Category: friendship

Building Healthy Relationships

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Our first November flakes of snow here in the midwest. As the weather starts to turn my thoughts are on warmth and connection. We talk a lot about the importance of self-care and awareness. But in addition to our relationships with ourselves it is important to also build healthy relationships with others. People who encourage us to be our best selves. Motivational speaker Jim Rohn believes that we become most like the five people we spend the most time with.

When we look at our circle of friends often we build relationships by proximity. The kids we went to school with, people we meet at the office, or neighborhood friends become our closest confidants. Building relationships based on physical proximity makes sense. Your coworkers or neighbors are most likely to be there when you need help. However we also want to practice the first rule of improv – yes and.

Yes, we want to build friendly relationships with the people who live and work nearest us. AND we want to build bonds with people who support us to be our best selves. With whom do you connect most deeply? When we surround ourselves with people who live nearby it’s important to asses if we share their opinions and values. When we spend time with people who don’t share our beliefs we may be tempted to, “Fit in.”

Finding people whose values we agree with and whose attitudes we admire may be challenging. But it is important to seek those relationships out so that we might become the best version of ourselves. We become our most authentic selves not by constantly having to prune back our opinions. We come our best selves by being surrounded by people who encourage us to dig deeper. Nourishing relationships fill our days with opportunities to enhance our lives and our interests rather than distract from them. We want to spend time with people who have our best interest at heart and who embrace and accept us exactly as we are. Within these relationships we find opportunities to grow and develop into the fullest, most beautiful and authentic versions of ourselves. 

If the relationships you are in do not meet these criteria, it may be time to consider where you last felt seen, valued, and supported. Then circle back to those people and relationships that felt the truest and best. Self-care is surrounding ourselves with loving people who encourage our growth and support us in our times of need. Give yourself the gift of being surrounded by nurturing connections and see how it transforms your life.

Mature Relationship Needs

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In relationships it is often easy to lose track of balance. It’s easy to find yourself in the midst of long term relationships that do not reflect your current awareness of your own value and worth. As we grow and change we sometimes find ourselves in the midst of mature relationships with people we did not so much choose as those who exist within our social or professional proximity. When we recognize that the relationships we are in no longer serve us, the good news is, just because a relationship is long standing doesn’t mean you have to stay in it. Below are some common challenges in mature relationships and some suggestions in how to proceed. I hope these strategies serve you!

Take Up Space

You are allowed to take up space. Any relationship that is predicated upon your being supportive to another person while taking no support for yourself is unhealthy. It’s time renegotiate the terms of the relationship. In relationships both parties deserve to have their needs met. Bending over backwards to assist someone else while they absorb your generosity and offer nothing in return is not a reciprocal or healthy relationship. If your relationship is entirely in service to someone else, that is not a relationship, that is a job. You need to quit unless you willingly plan to volunteer your energy, time and expertise for someone else’s gain.

Keep Some For Yourself

If the conversation is never allowed to be about you, it’s time to reconfigure your attention. Pouring into someone who can never get enough of themselves is a loosing proposition. You will continue to give. They will continue to absorb. And you will have nothing left for yourself. Instead, focus your attention on friends who may in fact reciprocate your care, love, and attention. When you realize that you have come in contact with a relationship vampire it is best to let that relationship go. We give in our relationships but we always keep some of ourselves to ourselves. Just ask Dolly Parton.

Accept Healthy Attention

If a person only notices your absence when it is in relation to their wants and desires, chances are they are not in relationship with you. They are in relationship with with a service you once provided. When someone only wants to get together when they have a task to be completed, they are looking for staff not friendship. Expecting you to be prepared to help them, while being disinterested and unavailable for events that are meaningful to you, they are using you. This person only wants to assure that your attention remains focused on them and their needs while refusing to meet your needs at all. 

Avoid Manipulation

Anyone who threatens to abandon you or your relationship because it no longer meets their exact specifications is using fear to manipulate you into complying with their wishes. Do not fall prey to this tactic or you will continue to feed an insatiable hunger. Time spent together should be reciprocal and involves both people giving their time and attention to one another. Sharing connection is a gift that allows your bond to flourish and grow. When you find yourself planning parties, trips, and adventures for another person and are then told that, “you’re so hard to buy for, I didn’t get you anything.” OR, “Thank you for the thoughtful gifts, trips, and parties you threw for me but I am unable to return that favor.” This person has chosen this behavior. Unless you change your willingness to cooperate they will continue to take advantage of your kindness.

Make Healthy Choices

Giving to other people in relationships is a choice we make. We can be confused by the difference between sharing our love with others and giving to others so that they might like us in return. It is possible that we have lost our way. When we consider ourselves unlovable, we are willing to accept any connection, even when it does not meet out needs. Perhaps, our sense of self-worth was the problem all along – believing we are worthy and deserving of love and attention. Below please find a list of mantras to support you as you evaluate your mature relationships.

I am worthy of love, attention, and affection.

I am allowed to be the center of attention.

I am deserving of fun.

I deserve to be loved, cared for, and supported. 

I want people in my life who care for me and not just what I can do for them.

I want friends and family that know and love me exactly as I am.

I get to choose my friends and family and I will chose those who love me for being myself.

I have intrinsic value. I am magic already. I will find friends who can see, appreciate, and celebrate me.

Timelessness

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Lately I have been feeling short on time and long on obligations. There’s so much I want to accomplish but never the time to complete a task. I am pulled from work obligations, to personal plans and goals, and before I know it another day, another week, another month is gone. With so much calling for my attention it feels like I am always missing something. When that happens I try to remember that I am showing up for the things that are truly important. I am there for family time, for important events, and for the celebrations that make life more beautiful.

I recently sent a friend a pair of sandals. A long time ago I was a new mother in a new home and she was a new friend. We were not close but she offered to come take photos of the baby and I accepted. Short on both time and support I was grateful she came. This friend was an absolute dream and her visit solidified a budding connection. For the first time I felt fully embraced in my new identity. I was simultaneously a friend, a woman, and a mother. I wasn’t just one or the other, I was all of the above. As I was learning to be all three at once this friend gave me the space and time to be exactly who I was and who I was becoming in the same moment. I felt whole with her.

As she was leaving we found that as we had been staging photos, our dog had devoured her shoes. He had simply destroyed them. She thought nothing of it and left, thanking me for hosting as I profusely apologized. Later, I remembered her kindness and her shoes and so, I sent her a pair.

She was surprised and delighted. This time around she herself has two new little ones and is wading in that uneven territory between a new stage of womanhood, family life and individual autonomy. She had completely forgotten her original pair of shoes and asked if I was a mindreader? I reminded her of her kindness so long ago, and we got to talking about time. 

I shared that when I am attempting to conform or comply with the modern construct of time I feel perpetually late. As if I’m failing to uphold some sort of sacred bargain. Whereas if I follow my own rhythm and natural timing it seems I am always showing up at exactly the right moment. I am not rushed and I am arriving just when needed. 

She shared her own perspective. “You followed your impulses to that moment and, like magic, you made something manifest for me at the precise moment when it was needed in my life. If you ignore time and follow your inner voice instead, you are able to have perfect timing for everything you do in life (minus the boring things like getting to work on time of course).”  I rebel against the modern construct of time as something to conform to or obey. Following my own timing I am perfectly settled. When I attempt to follow the guidelines of time others set, I am often late and discombobulated.

Time becomes something I am guilty of rather than something I use wisely. And maybe that’s the conflict I am feeling around the concept of lateness. It is both a tool of control and something we mutually agree to conform to in a society. I recognize that time and timing are different things but do they need to be? Is it possible that we could exist in a timeless environment where we follow not the regimented hours of production and capitalism but instead trusted ourselves and each other to arrive when the time is right for each of us? For train stations and busses this idea is impractical and maybe it only works for some of us. Still the idea of living free of time is invigorating.

Perhaps the issue isn’t time so much as the value we place upon it. We treat timeliness and tardiness as personal failing. From a young age we learn that it is inconsiderate to be late. And perhaps it is, if you consider time spent waiting or alone wasted. Still, it could also be that we are simply arriving at the exact right time for us. It could be that by honoring our sacred rhythms we connect more deeply to ourselves and our natural interests and inclinations. That our inclinations save us from spending time on those obligations that we instinctively know are not for us. We may arrive a decade late but it is just the right time. Timelines are for strangers and work associates. Time is not the business of creativity, connection, or communing with our deeper longings, innermost knowledge, and truest friends. 

Summer Break

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It’s summer break! Here’s a list of some fun things you can do to treat yourself better and create more fun and joy to fill your memory banks. Summertime isn’t just about kids having fun. So often we get jealous of people who go on vacation or children making their way to camp. What if you gave yourself the gift of fun too? Making time for fun and pleasure is not just for kids. Finding joy in your daily life keeps things exciting, gives us something to look forward to, and brings us closer to our purpose of being alive. We aren’t here to suffer or make amends, we’re here to thrive and enjoy every morsel. 

There’s a wonderful line in the Talumud which reads, “A person will be called to account on Judgement Day for every permissible thing they might have enjoyed but did not.” Embrace happiness and let your highlight reel be a joyful expression of your love for life and for yourself. These ideas aren’t super expensive or tricky, you only have to give yourself permission to partake in the delights.

  1. Watch the sunset
  2. Eat an ice cream or frozen popsicle on the stoop or in the grass.
  3. Swing at your local park – you can do this in the morning before it gets too hot!
  4. Take yourself to the beach – or turn your backyard into your own beach oasis with a towel, some sunscreen, and a shallow pool of cool water.
  5. Read a book under the shade of a tree.
  6. Take a hike or go on a walk in the evening with friends.
  7. Turn on the sprinkler and run through it!
  8. Take a nap.
  9. Draw with sidewalk chalk or blow bubbles
  10. Pick some flowers and put them in a cup of water

Invite a friend or loved one to join you in any of these endeavors for an added boost of connection and memory making. Joy is always doubled when shared. Happy Summer break!

Living with Intention, Not just Urgency

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Have you ever noticed how we take our joys and transform them into obligations? We get tangled up in expectations and plans. Failing to let our lives blossom or unfold naturally. We have a dinner party tonight. It’s a wonderful opportunity to celebrate. But all day I have been thinking about my hair, what to wear, and if I have the right shoes. None of it matters. I am excited but also caught up in the details. I am not living with intention, I am living with urgency.

We have spent so little time out of our homes the past couple years that any event takes on new meaning. I’ve been talking a lot about the intentional use of our time and a realization is striking home. When we limit the amount of time we spend with those we love, intentionally or unintentionally, it leaves us with less time together. We may only have a handful of visits left and that feels too little. The realization also has me reflecting on living with intention, not just urgency. I have no interest in approaching gatherings with urgency – a rush to cram every interaction with deeper meaning or as many people as possible. But instead to focus on intentionality, being fully present and engaged with those we do spend time. Isn’t that how we should always approach time with our loved ones?

My aunt passed away several years ago due to early onset of alzheimer’s. She was not herself much of the time save a few moments during every visit she was my godmother. Twice a week I made a point to drive the half hour to the care facility in which she was living to spend quality time with her. We would do crafts when she was able. In the winter I would bring in a cookie sheet of snow to play with in her room. We made memories and laughed. My aunt would make propeller sounds and my daughter would fly the plane (her medical bed) to far off locales – Paris, New York, Egypt, and sometimes they made the trip. Other times they had to land early for repairs. They laughed and I laughed and recorded their exchanges. It was pure magic. 

It was the magic of being present, of sharing a sacred moment, and of knowing that all we truly have is now. Intentionality is telling our loved ones, “I love you.” Calling an elderly relative to remind them that they are important to you. Making the time for family get togethers and wearing whatever you want. Because the point isn’t what you wear, the point is that you showed up. 

How to Have a Happier Life

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Usually I write about the keys to bringing our best selves to our lives. One of the tools I don’t talk about as much but want to address now is relationships and how they help us to have a happier life. I recently watched this TED talk on the impact our relationships have on our lives. Research shows the highest indicator of our happiness throughout our lives is not whether we achieve fame, wealth, or renown. It is not if we are productive or compete well. In fact the highest indicator of wellness and longevity is the health of our relationships. 

As someone who loves her alone time I want to focus on this point. Because taking care of myself with exercise, creativity, meditation, etc. will enhance my wellbeing but it will not determine the duration or the quality of my life. The research shows that good relationships keep us happier and healthier.

Wow, that’s a lot. As someone who curates her relationships, I want this to sink in not just for you but for me too. Having relationships with people we know we can depend upon actually enables us to live longer, healthier lives. And not only that – it decreases the pain we will feel when we do face health issues. Less physical pain – due simply to having dependable family, friends, and relationships with others! And how do we do that? How do we make friends? What if we live in a new place? Or are not familiar with our community? 

Family

Here’s what I know. We recently relocated to a new home – which I talk more about here. We moved to a location much closer to family. We now live in this town with my family super close and it has been one of the best choices we have made. We wave when we drive by each other. We have guaranteed help whenever we make too much spaghetti or have more desserts than any one family can consume. And more than that, family makes this new place feel like home.

Friends

I have found getting involved in the things that interest you help you find your people. For example, I attended a free writing course at the library and ran into an acquaintance. We’re now attending a writing conference together. I even gave a recommendation for her in a job interview. I don’t know that if I needed a kidney she’d be my girl but I sure know that when there’s a writing program, she’s going to make sure I know about it! These small things make a difference in helping all of us feel supported. 

Community

If you want to get involved in your local community I would recommend joining your community and neighborhood facebook groups, attend the block party, even if you only stop by for a short visit. It really is lovely to see a friend you met briefly on the drive home. Even if you don’t like the pressure of a large event you can always attend your community’s annual parades, fireworks displays, home and garden tours, or street market. These are fun, low pressure, ways you can see and meet the people who live around you out and about. 

The larger community can sometimes feel daunting. And the thing is if this isn’t for you it’s ok to stick with a small group. We don’t need a ton of friends we just need a few real ones.

Building relationships really makes a difference in our quality of life. I hope these ideas enrich your life too – and helps all of us all to live a little longer, a little happier, and with less pain and suffering. Sending you lots of love and my deepest thanks because this little community is one of the places where I feel deep joy to be surrounded by loving and likeminded people. So thank you – M.

I am always after ideas and strategies for how to live a happier life. Drop a note in the comments if you have some tips and ideas for creating community and building deeper relationships. 

Friendsgiving

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Our friends are packing up and making their ways to our home as I type. We started cooking last night and prepared all of the dishes in advance. I am about to pop downstairs to put out the appetizers. Everything else is warmed, the house is clean, and it’s time to get dressed. I am feeling this urge to wear clothes that are not for going out but for staying cozy at home. I suspect that I feel this way because I am finally spending time with people who feel like true friends. This Friendsgiving I am eager and excited but I am also calm and comfortable. 

Sharing my space with people who I like and admire feels good. We’re setting the tone for days to come – intentionally choosing our company, our relationships, and to honor ourselves before we honor obligations. It can be tricky this time of year!

The day has been wonderful and fulfilling. To be surrounded by those that mean the most to me and to share this time with them is invaluable. And I am grateful. It is a gift to have time for meditation that puts me in the exact right frame of mind and I am grateful for my partner who helps, leads, and loves with the purest and most beautiful heart. Although my children are full of excited and frenetic energy this afternoon they are also full of thoughtful gestures like reading together. If you’re wondering it’s, “The boy, the Mole, the Horse, and the Fox,” it is a perfect day for that book. If you haven’t yet, I hope you’ll read it!

It snowed this morning, my eldest put Christmas music on for the first time this season and we are about to have company over – I cannot wait. What a gift to be here and now, present and imperfect in this moment. I am sending my hugs and hopes that this season lands gently. That you enjoy everything as you wish and you honor yourself first. Celebrating the season however you see fit and in whatever way brings you contentment and joy.

Honest Critique

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In every conversation there is an opportunity for change. Our friends help us transform through their perspectives. People we admire demonstrate how we may polish and improve ourselves through their example. Another great tool of friendship is constructive criticism. It’s part of healthy sharing that fills a mutually respectful bond. However, there are times when the universe, or other people, may use criticism for harm. This can look like offering unsolicited opinions, treating another person as less than yourself, or ignoring your shared humanity. When this happens what is most important is how you choose to respond. Here are some simple steps to help you interpret and evaluate constructive criticism.

Consider the Source

I make a point to never accept criticism from someone I would not go to for advice. If you would not go to them for guidance, do not accept their criticism. It is irrelevant and invalid. Move on.

Consider the Context

If you were asking for critique from someone you respect and they offer constructive criticism you may choose to accept it. However, if the comment is unprompted, uninvited, or unwelcome – Move on.

Consider the Intent

If a critique is from a source you respect and was invited, consider if it is within the context of care. If a comment is given in love you may choose to let it change your perspective and your heart. In this way you may grow and learn to be the best version of yourself possible. If a comment is not offered in love, and let us remember that even those we love may offer criticism from a place of defense or fear, do not accept it. Move on.

Sit with It

If a comment checks the first three boxes and you feel ready to accept and consider the critique sit with it. Let yourself feel your feelings. Consider if you agree or if there’s something you have missed and determine how you want to proceed. Discern if there is a problem you could fix. Is there a strategy you might apply in the future to do things differently?

Apologize if Necessary

If an apology is required, offer it. Bearing in mind that apologies include not only a promise, “not to do it again,” but also a commitment, “this is how I will behave differently in the future.” It is also important to share, “I am taking X steps to improve.” We don’t need to bear the burden of every comment or judgement sent our way. How exhausting and what a waste of time and energy!

It is a lot of responsibility to ask for for conscientious criticism. However, trusting someone to tell us when we need to modify our behavior or feel we may have been in the wrong is a big responsibility. Using the guideposts above should help us to move forward more authentically and with healthy boundaries. We do well by ourselves, and our relationships, to consider the simple points above to help us move forward on our own path, toward our own goals and grounded in our personal truths. 

“What’s the point in having a mind if you never change it?” Allowing ourselves to be molded and shaped by the people we love can help us all become better people. When has someone else’s critique helped you to improve or grow?

Sharing Our Peace

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My first time meditating after a couple weeks of traveling and I feel melty. The comfortable embrace of the duvet. The soothing tones of the guided meditation. I am not feeling wrapped up with some new idea or concept that I must talk to you about. Even though there are a million thoughts and ideas I want to share and savor by writing them out for you. Right now I am thinking of my own inner peace and my true desire to be of help to others. 

Perhaps today’s message is not so much about helping others but about how we choose to engage. Our role is not to be the solution but to be a port in the storm. A temporary life preserver or raft that helps someone take a break so that they may find their own way. We all need a friendly port from time to time, somewhere to rest and recover. Someone who sees that we are in trouble and reaches out to help.

In order to reach others we need to come from our own place of calm. Peacefulness can stem from calm seas and also personal choice. We are responsible for our own actions, attitude, and mood. It is when we are in our own comfort or peacefulness that we are able to be attentive to what is happening outside ourselves. And perhaps that too is a way to give ourselves peace by asking after a friend, reaching out to someone we love.

I’d like to make a distinction here between reaching out from a sense of comfort to share our bounty. As opposed to reaching out as an attempt to control or out of a codependency habit. We are not enmeshing ourselves in someone else business or their problems. Not solving their problems for them but making ourselves available to listen. Offering only support, not guidance or direction.

Offer a helping hand but not at risk of falling into the abyss yourself. Brenee Brown talks about being a supportive friend or partner when someone is in a pit of despair (Princess Bride, anyone?). We do not help others if we crawl into the hole with them just to suffer by their side. It is not supportive to sacrifice ourselves so that someone else my climb out of the hole and escape. Our role is to be there with our friends as they figure out their own escape. We call down what we see from our position or reach out a helping hand when they are ready for it. Think of this like handing a racer water as they run past – you’re not in the race but your are facilitating its completion.

These metaphors can sometimes cloud the issue but they drive home the same point, we are not above, beyond, or better than our friends and neighbors that are suffering. We are simply in a different position. If you look around and find yourself in a place of abundance and from that position you’d like to help someone else, reach out. Let people know that you see them. To know that we are not alone has its own healing power.

Even while writing this I took a break to reach out to a friend. She is transitioning between businesses, closing down a brand she built and creating something new. I have no doubt in her abilities or her timing. But when we are in the thick of change it can be overwhelming, so I sent a supportive note to let her know I’m on her side. To tell someone we see their strength helps to fuel their progress. I know that she will weather this storm and come away stronger. And incase she forgot it herself, I offered her my peace with no agenda. Helping others feels good.

These tiny actions help others to feel seen, us to feel generous, and anyone who witnesses our kindness benefits feels good too. This reciprocity is what keeps our relationship thriving. And bonus, long after this interaction when we find ourselves in a sea of change, we will know that other’s did it, and we can too. 

How do share your peace with others? How do you reach out without getting pulled down? 

And if you’re looking for more calm in your life – here are some tips to help get you there.

Looking for Flowers: Staying Out of a Negative Mindset

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Have you ever noticed how when you’re in a bad mood the world seems out to get you? Or the inverse, when you are feeling great the world is also full of joy? Today I am thinking about self-compassion and how important it is that we take care of ourselves first so that we can come to the world with a positive mindset.

An old story comes to mind. 

A weary traveller came to the gates of a new city and asked the gatekeeper, “What kind of city is this? The last city I left was full of thieves and evil people.” 

The gate keeper answered, “We have those kinds of people here too.” 

The traveller moved on not wanting to stay one more minute in such a terrible place. 

Later that day another traveller came to the gates and asked the gatekeeper, “What kind of city is this? The last city I left was full of creative and interesting people, everyone was kind and I left many friends.” 

The gatekeeper answered, “You’ll find people like that here too.” And the traveller entered the city.

The gatekeeper did not lie to either traveller – there were both kinds of people in her city. But the wisdom is in recognizing that that which we look for we will find. The first traveller sought only to find the evil and darkness in others and would likely find it. The second traveller saw only light and would likely find the same. 

Have you ever had a conversation with someone like the first traveller who is hurting so much they seem to have no choice but to fixate on the negative things that have happened to them? A friend once spent an entire day lamenting to me about the hurt her family had caused her, how their cruelty had poisoned their relationships, and how she was an innocent recipient of this pain. On the way out of a family event her father asked her to please wait as he had picked up dinner for her. In that moment it really struck me – was my friend truly being harmed and hurt by her family? Yes. Was it because of their careless disregard or intentional desire to cause her harm? No. She was simply choosing to observe and remember those situations when they had disappointed her. She was looking for their faults and not their kindnesses and like the first traveller, she found it.

My friend’s inability to accept love was causing her pain. We remember pain longer than ease because in our primitive history it has been the avoidance of pain that contributes most greatly to our survival. For example, if we remember caves may be mountain lion dens we will not be eaten. On the opposite end, if we find a field of flowers it may be beautiful but if it does not lead us to find honey or food our primitive brains forget as it is not imminent to our survival. This survival tactic worked well for our primitive selves and we can all be grateful to our ancestors for remembering every danger that kept them alive so that eventually we could exist. However, these are no longer primitive times. If all we remember is danger and pain, looking for mountain lions – we will miss all of the flowers.

We lead lives full of potential and possibility but when we focus intently on the negative we loose sight of the joy and love in our lives. Negativity may initially generate a response from others – attention, pity, or support. If a person continues to come to us with their negative story and we do not share their perspective – we see that person like the first traveller, better to let them move on than waste our time trying to introduce them to good people. The perspective of the traveller, is the travelers responsibility, not the gatekeepers.

It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves and love ourselves first. It may be difficult to shift your attention, to see someone else’s care for you. But with practice even that first traveller can learn to look for the good so that their toxicity does not spread into personal relationships and their life. In my friend’s case – her father was showing love and care to her – it’s her job to see and appreciate it. 

What makes this work most important is that if gone unchecked that negativity will consume you and every relationship we hold dear. We become the mountain lion, the dangerous predator consuming and destroying the love and connection the world offers us. Much like that first traveller, we walk alone and miss so many friendships and opportunities simply because we were not looking for the flowers.

How do you protect yourself form mountain lions? How do you make self-care a priority so that you don’t become a mountain lion yourself? 

Also, no mountain lions were harmed in the writing of this piece. This work is not based on any one mountain lion living or deceased, it is the authors attempt at metaphor. She has no animosity to the mountain lion community – please do not eat me. I just needed an animal that lives in caves and might, in a hypothetical situation consume a prehistoric cave invader.