Category: Self-Care

Social Media Cleanse

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The rain has stopped outside my window and it seems to have dripped green paint onto the weeping willow tree outside. There are suddenly millions of yellow green buds waiting to bloom. Being fully present to witness this moment feels like a gift and one that I have chosen for myself. I like to feel that I am choosing to do whatever activity I am engaged in, particularly social media. This week I wanted to share a little about a social media cleanse I tried. 

Level one is general media hygiene. Regularly clear your follows and determine what accounts are bringing joy and which accounts are simply bringing you down. Anything that leads you to feel inadequate by comparison has to go – we don’t need that negativity in our lives. I’ve written more on general media hygiene practices here.

Level two – back to the cleanse – because just organizing follows is not our only new practice. I’m talking about a full week of conscious and deliberate social media avoidance. The purpose of this exercise is to clear your head and make space for creative ideas to break through. It is an opportunity to reflect and recognize how much time there is in the day when we are not scrolling. 

I scheduled a week to be social media free because as an Artists Way exercise I have found it to be particularly powerful. Cameron calls her abstention a reading cleanse. No reading for pleasure or knowledge beyond what one must do for work or as necessity. That can be different things for different people. The overall purpose is to clear your head of everyone else’s stories so that you can really dig deep into your own creativity. It’s also a quick way to recognize how much time we fill by immersing ourselves in media.

I love the dopamine burst of reels on Instagram, or of finding something beautiful to pin on Pinterest. But when I am loosing too much time or feel like I can’t log off even when it is time to do so, that’s a good cue to spark a cleanse. This time my cleanse was not cold-turkey. I still watched the reels or notes that people sent. I simply logged on, replied to messages and got off. My logic here is that this an opportunity to connect with a real person. It is a moment of relationship building and that is more than simply watching what everyone else is up to and liking or posting a few emojis. 

When we aren’t scrolling or lost in the virtual world of our phones it’s amazing how much we can create. The space gives us room to do something new, unique, and fresh. We want to make space for our true and raw selves to grow and be nurtured. Much like the rain outside painting the weeping willow with spring greens, I want to have room and water to grow and blossom in spring time. We can’t do that if we are constantly being pruned by everyone else’s ideas, endeavors, and news. So even if your break is a day, an hour, or an evening, I hope you are able to create something that’s never been in the world before. I hope you’ll take the time to invest in yourself. 

Let me know how your social media cleanse goes and what new priorities you welcome! And just so you know all was not perfect over here! I was very much tempted to look at my phone more than I care to admit. Instead I cleaned the bathrooms, washed windows, wrote pages in my journal, painted, and spent quality time with my kiddos. Every second of it was worth it because I felt present, engaged, and more alive than I have in a while. I might just take this cleanse for another week’s run and see what happens! 

Release Responsibility + Control

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Spring is in bloom here in Ohio and I am experiencing a creative reawakening. It is a conscious remembering that what we ask for the universe provides. We are showing up in new ways, refreshed and transformed. Making space for those activities that bring me joy and that inspire me. I am no longer available for those activities that drain my energy or leave me feeling unfulfilled. There is a natural resurgence of energy as if spring demands a release of responsibility and control.

To show up authentically we release all of those things we do not need. We are born naked, what can we take off? What do we no longer need to bear the burden of carrying? I have found in life that it is incredibly easy to take on things that are not my own. We collect obligations, tasks, work, and labor. I have held onto many things out of a false sense of responsibility. A desire to fix what is not mine to repair.

I once received a powerful bit of advice from a stranger in passing. She said, “Love is not meant to be held or given, it is meant to flow through us.” In this way all energy and emotion should pass through our lives. The goal is to be porous like sponges, able to absorb only that which is intended for us and release the rest. This allows everything not meant for us to pass quickly without lingering. Another way to think of this message, “those mountains you are carrying, you were only meant to climb.” 

Author Anne Lamott asks, “What is help if not the sunny side of control?” Releasing control is the greatest gift we can offer to ourselves and others. To release control we remember that our value is not tied to our productivity or performance. We all have intrinsic value. When we purge all of the things that are no longer ours we make space for the relationships, experiences, and gifts that we are intended to receive. We trust that that which is meant for us will come to us. We need not be responsible for more than our fair share of work or duty. Our value is not tied to our labor or our misplaced obligations to fix, repair, or care for others. 

We are here to create and give the best of ourselves to the world. As we create our own paths, let use put down the mountains we have carried. Let us climb them instead and leave all of the extra weight that rightfully belongs to other people for them to manage. This spring we are no longer bearing the burden of someone else’s mistakes or issues. Each of us is free to manifest our own destiny, no longer encumbered by the burden of false responsibility or control. We are free. 

Doesn’t the relief feel incredible? 

Boundaries Refresher

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Boundaries are the ground rules we share with others in healthy and mutually respectful relationships. They are the limits we place around our time, our attention, and our energy. Our boundaries are not negotiable. Lately I’ve been feeling my boundaries are in need of a tune up. I can tell because I am feeling angry and pushed to firmly state or re-state my limits. Anger is a guide that shows us where we need boundaries.

I notice my boundaries can sometimes slip when I choose to ignore my own needs in order to please or gain approval from someone else. It’s what Brenee Brown calls, “Hustling for worthiness.” We ignore our own desires and instead focus on meeting someone else’s needs, hoping to attain validation from that other person or group. It never works. We are left in resentment and anger because we have given what we need most to someone else. We feel resentful of them – whether they knew we were making a sacrifice or not – and angry that we feel used. It is exhausting to live in anger and resentment. It is not a strategy for building healthy relationships.

Therefore not volunteering to contribute to my own destruction is a necessary boundary for me. It is one with myself but there are others too. Some boundaries include how much time I am willing to give to a phone call or conversation topic. How much attention I wish to pay to a certain discussion at a particular time. How far I’m willing to go to meet someone. These limits are what keep me grounded in joy. Giving only what I am willing to share, not giving away that which I need most is key.

In fact, to build healthy relationships is to respect the boundaries of others and have your boundaries respected in turn. It is the highest form of mutual respect and love I can imagine. The reciprocity, for me, is the most important piece. It is the dance of give and take that makes others feel valued and seen. It lets our partners know we respect their limits and are willing to meet them where they are comfortable. Boundaries give us all the space to be free and held. I read recently, “Home is not a place, it is a feeling.” And that struck me as a deep truth. When we come home to our friends, family, lovers, and children we are connecting and creating home. 

A major component to home is safety. We feel safest when we know that we are valued and respected. One of the ways we show others that we love them is by respecting their boundaries. And the way they show us that we are equally valued is by respecting ours. Never settle for less than equity. Never agree to a relationship where the terms of engagement require you to sacrifice your needs or wants for someone else’s. Arriving at a point in life where you can be kind to yourself first, take care of yourself first, is a moment to be celebrated. Because boundaries come from being attentive to our own needs. We have more on how to discover your own needs here.

Pay attention to what your anger is directing you to be attentive to – do you need to set or restate some boundaries? Do you need more space or less? What can you do to feel more at home and at ease in your relationships? What boundaries have you used to center and ground yourself and create a safe home in your relationships with others?

Take on Less to Take Care of Yourself

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Sacrificing my peace to serve others is never a winning solution. I end up angry, frustrated, and burned out. I rush to complete tasks only to find even more tasks, emotional labor, and exhaustion. When I feel overwhelmed or as if I’m attempting to drink from a fire hose it often means I have taken on work that is not mine to do. I ignore my own needs to manage someone else’s wants. The key is the realization that to take care of myself often means I need to take on less.

When I am focused on things happening outside of my control it feels as if I am spent and there is nothing to show for it. I realize all too late that I can only do one thing at a time. And when I am chasing what everyone else wants I am not meeting my own needs. Therefore the only thing I can do is what is best and most important to me, not to everyone else. 

That means, eating a good healthy meal, taking time to meditate and rest. Exercising and using my body and getting outside. Taking breaks and not pushing myself to take on more and more. There is only now and there is only this. Reminding myself that I cannot be all things to all people helps. So does making a list. 

I list the things I’m worried about and then next to those items I list who is responsible for that item. It is incredibly freeing to see all of the things that I am allowing to create stress and worry in my life and then to see next to them the true owners of that task. What is most impressive is how many things belong to other people. Almost all of those worries seem to have rightful owners. I am only responsible for myself, my children, and my home. I don’t have to do anything else beyond that. 

This practice frees my mental space and my emotional labor so that I may focus on what is important in my life. Centering my life around me and my responsibilities quickly takes that sensation of being off-kilter away. It gives me firm footing and healthfully guides my energy and my choices. I can do one thing and I can focus on this place and its people. I don’t need to juggle the rest of the world’s problems, none of us do. We can all take on less to take care of ourselves. We deserve it.

How do you free yourself from that feeling of responsibility or oversight for others?

*If you’re looking for a more intense overhaul in your relationships and feel as if this one step is less than what you need, Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beatty is an excellent resource as you begin this journey.

Slowing Down With Lavender Shortbread Cookies

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In honor of slowing down, today I’m sharing my recipe for lavender shortbread cookies. We’re all tired and I thought a little cookie could go a long way towards brightening someone else’s day. As snow falls outside the windows and I am once again reminded of my deep gratitude for cozy blankets, and thick socks.

This time of year is always a wonderful opportunity for reflection and hygge. As I cuddle up to write, under my warm blanket I find myself seeking ways in which to share this feeling with all of you – and I can think of no better way than to share a delicious cookie recipe. It comes from the creative geniuses at Hedgebrook, a writing community devoted to Women Authoring Change. If you haven’t seen their work before, I cannot recommend it highly enough. I’ve taken several of their online courses over the past few years and always find them valuable and enriching – this cookie recipe is much the same. 

When it’s cold outside I don’t need excuse to crank up the oven and fill the house with the cozy and homey smells of dinner and dessert baking. And since I cannot deliver these cookies to you myself, I want to share how I did it so that you may enjoy them too. 

Winter is a wonderful season of rest and renewal, I hope you let its goodness soak into you and nourish you deeply. Here in the midwest we don’t corner the market on hygge living but we do make an art of thriving in adverse conditions. It’s not always easy to stay joyful after a weeklong streak of dark days or heavy snowfall but having a hot chocolate, a fire, and a good book to cuddle up with always works wonders to lift my mood. I hope these cookies are just the ticket to help you slow down and savor the delights of the season. 

Rest, recover, take your time, and give yourself the gift of ease, you don’t even need to crack an egg. Sending you warm thoughts and wishes this winter! – M

Lavender Shortbread

2 Cups Flour (All Purpose)

1/4 teaspoon coarse salt (I used pink to add color)

1/2 pound (two sticks) unsalted butter at room temperature

1/2 Cup granulated sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 teaspoon culinary lavender buds (I used some I had dried from our garden last summer – more on that here)

Sift flour and coarse salt together into a small bowl and set aside.

Beat butter on medium speed in an electric mixer (I used our Kitchen-Aid) for 3 to 5 minutes.

Add sugar, vanilla, and lavender buds continuing to beat for an additional 2 minutes. The mixture will lighten in color.

Add flour and salt mixture and combine on low speed until flour is just incorporated and dough sticks together when it is squeezed between fingers. Don’t forget to scrape down the sides of your mixing bowl and incorporate the grainy bits at the bottom.

On a sheet of wax paper, pat and form the dough into a log – about 12 – 14 inches long and 1 to 1 1/2 inches in diameter. If you prefer square or rectangular cookies flatten the sides as you roll it up in the wax paper. 

Chill in the fridge until firm, at least 1 hour. (I took a reading break.)

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Remove the wax paper from the dough and slice the log into 1/4 inch thick slices. Lay cookies onto backing sheets (you can line the sheets with parchment paper, I forgot and they turned out fine).  Bake until firm 17 to 20 minutes. Cool completely on wire racks. May be stored in an airtight container for 3 to 4 weeks.

Cold Hands Warm Heart

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Tips for Making Every Day Routines Sacred

When I was little my aunt used to tell us, “Cold hands warm heart,” whenever we put our icy hands in hers. She would come in from outside, we knew we were getting gentle and cold fingers on our necks and big hugs. It was such a part of our winter routine that now I say the same thing to my kiddos, “cold hands warm heart,” and bury them in my arms. It is a ritual and a memory, a simple way to make common occurrences sacred. 

This winter I am striving to create more meaning in my daily practices. My showers, skin-care routine, the way I go to sleep and the way I wake up. These are daily events that I often rush through. Time lost in the past or in the future – Did I put the clothes in the dryer? I need to pick up milk. The saddest part is that this happens every day. By focusing on our anxieties or worries we loose opportunities to create nourishing rituals.

Tips to make small moments brighter.

  1. I purchased a small box of mindfulness cards that I open each morning to give me a mantra, intention, or reflection that I can use to intentionally begin my day.
  2. Adding sweet smelling soaps and lotions to my showers and skincare routines. They add delight to the experience and remind me to slow down.
  3. Cookies! After my meditations I am savoring chocolate shortbread cookies with strawberry icing. These sweet treats being a little taste of summer into my chilly winter afternoons.

None of these shifts is monumental or expensive. Yet they are excellent tools for making my everyday routines sacred. I am feeling hot water raining down on my skin, smelling coconut and remembering summer, beaches, and fun. The biggest revelation is the practice of staying in the moment. I am not just going through the motions. Beginning my day engaged and delighting shifts my perspective and improves my mood.

The simple act of enhancing my daily practices makes my life richer. It is wonderful to be able to brighten my own day and surprise myself. It is the little things that make life nice and remind us of the many joys of being alive. We don’t always have to remodel the kitchen or take off on vacation to feel special. Sometimes all it takes is a cozy reminder – cold hands warm heart, have a hug, we’re so loved. 

What little gifts can you give to yourself that would make life more lovely? How do you make your daily routines special? What scents bring joy to your heart or what loving sayings did you grow up with in your home?

Pouring from an Empty Cup

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When life feels hectic and as if the momentum to move forward is not surging as we would like. Or if at times it feels as if I am rushing while the world itself seems to be in slow motion. It reminds me that caring for myself is necessary – and warranted. That is why I take the following five simple steps to taking better care of myself.

Five Simple Ways to take better care of yourself. 

  1. Drink water – Dehydration is not only terrible for our skin and mood but it also can lead to ill health and lightheadedness. Taking time to be sure we’re drinking enough water and giving our bodies what they need is important.
  2. Focus internally – this can be done with meditation, yoga, or a few deep breaths. Whatever comes next will come, the only way we can meet challenges is by being and staying grounded in ourselves. 
  3. Get active – take a walk or do some light stretching. Any movement will do but getting into our bodies is the best way to know what we need next.
  4. Rest – It may be a quick nap, a break from calls so you can focus on a single task at a time, or maybe a day off. Recovery is the only way to heal and be fully healthful. Taking a break for rest is necessary and important.
  5. Be gentle – Whether we are dealing with someone else or ourselves, being kind and gentle makes us strong. We want to be the kindest person in the room – not the loudest. Therefore let that kindness begin at home and in your own head and heart.

What steps do you take to take better care of yourself? What gifts of love do you give yourself when you feel as if you’re wearing thin?

Fall Rhythms + Natural Momentum

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As we come to fall the natural rhythm of life is slowing down. The leaves are falling from the tree tops, squirrels and frantically harvesting and burying acorns and nuts for the long winter months. And it seems like around me the world is speeding up. School has started, we must gear up for the holidays. We have duties, obligations, and responsibilities. It is a lot and it is enough. I recently watched a Ted Talk, by Dr. Darria Long, on triaging your life.

The presentation was mainly about facing our challenges from a place of quiet confidence rather than angst or haste. In an emergency room minutes stretch and instead of reacting quickly what is called for is calm and intentional decision making. When I sprint from task to task attempting to get things done I find myself stretched thin. I get frustrated because as I move quickly – sending out a text – replies are pouring in before I can move on to the next task. Before you know an item that should only take a couple minutes has taken fifteen or twenty. Which leaves me scrambling to make up that time later. 

However, when I prioritize and move slowly I am not less productive. I am more intentional. I recently added the ability to subscribe to this blog – spoiler, I was my first subscriber. If you haven’t yet, please subscribe! As I viewed my post via email I noticed how longwinded I have a tendency to be. Writing out the same explanation several different ways. And while it is helpful to see different examples sometimes less is more. My point is better made with a few well written sentences than in paragraphs devoted to the same idea. 

This realization is hard won. I had to learn it before I could improve upon it. And as I write and learn, I promise this blog and all of my work will continue to improve. A big part of that growth is taking the time to rest and recover. The year is winding down and we are all preparing for winter. This next season reminds us that nothing blooms all year. We all need time to relax. 

And as our to do lists stretch longer I hope you’ll take the time to assess and consider what is important to you. What do you truly want to do and be a part of? There are so many opportunities for distraction. I hope you choose to take this fall as a change of your own season, an opportunity to move more intentionally and slowly, not only to be more impactful and effective in your work. But also because we are all worthy and deserving of rest. We do not need to be forever achieving or completing tasks to have value. Simply being is enough. Our value is intrinsic, it is not tangled up with our productivity. Let’s remember that and honor our natural rhythm, take it slow this fall. 

How to Rebound from Disappointment

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Today I am eating shortbread cookies from the Honolulu cookie company as I rebound from disappointment. The cookies are shaped like pineapples, dipped in white chocolate and coconut flakes. They are dainty and light, possibly the best cookies I have ever had. They are from a place that I have never been but long to visit. These cookies taste like sunshine, island breezes, bright flowers, crystal blue waters, and fresh air. They are the essence of escapism, made sweeter by the fact that they are a gift from someone who loves me and was thinking of me on their last trip to Hawaii. These are all joyful notes that are serving to put me into a better frame of mind. 

Today I will also purchase a couple of items that I have saved up for but have yet to buy. They are sitting in my cart and now is the moment. I need some joy and something happy to look forward to. I am going to give myself the gift of cozy winter gear and new drapes. These aren’t huge investments but they are investments in my own joy and happiness, both worthy and important. Whenever I face rejection I remind myself that my success or failure is not tied to my personal value or self.

I also hug my family extra tight and remind myself that some things have nothing to do with me. It helps to remind myself that the universe always has my best interest in mind. That which is meant for me I can’t screw up or loose. And those things not meant for me will pass me by, that is the nature of things. I just have to trust that this opportunity was not meant for me right now and that’s ok. 

I am learning to let go. Even though I am disappointed, I get to cuddle my kiddos, eat a good dinner, and get some rest. Today was a hard day but tomorrow will be better. I will get through this just as I have successfully gotten through every challenge I have faced up until now. I’ve got this, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I am going to fake it until I believe it. And even though today was hard, tomorrow will be easier. I just know it.

How do you rebound from disappointment? How are you more gentle or generous to yourself?

Thursdaying: Holding Space For Ourselves

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I am holding space for myself today. Usually the request to hold space is for someone else. An opportunity to communicate our care or let someone know we are thinking of them. I find it easy to hold space for others but rarely take the time to nurture and focus on myself. Therefore when I sense a feeling of risk or fear as I consider moving toward my goals, or plans, it catches my attention. That awareness reminds me I need to take some time to hold space and look inward. The time I use is what I call, “Thursdaying.”

I grew up in a loud home. Our house was full of siblings, friends, games, television, pets, and events. There was always something happening. In the summers we would visit our friends and sometimes spend weeks at each other’s houses. It was an opportunity for each of us to see how the other half lived. Also, a great opportunity for our parents to spend time together as a couple. Our houses were noticeably cleaner upon our return and our parents well rested.

One of the gifts of these trips was staying with my mother’s best friend and my, “Mom 2.” After several days of Spice Girls music video shoots, movie screenings, and play we were all usually pretty tired. But on this morning I happened to be up early. The other kiddos were still fast asleep, and while Dad 2 stayed home, Mom 2 took me to breakfast.

On the ride over Mom 2 made the rules clear. I was welcome to come, and she loved me very much, but she was going to sit alone. She would read her book and drink her coffee. She would buy breakfast but I would sit at my own table. We were not together. No adult had ever spoken to me like this before. It felt very grown up and direct. I promptly agreed. I was confident I could comport and handle myself at a coffeehouse, “alone.” 

It was a big change for me to be left to my own devices. And so I ordered my hot chocolate and blueberry scone and picked out my table. While my drink was prepared I took my time collecting various magazines and newspapers from the racks and counters. I had not known the rules before I left and therefore needed supplies. I picked a yellow wood table and parked myself, with my back to where Mom 2 sat maybe 10 feet away from me. That morning I ate, I drank, I read – it was heaven. 

It was Thursday and yet no one interrupted me. It was just the resonant noise of an early morning coffee shop. I did not need to rush anywhere or do anything. An independent woman, for the first time in my life. It was glorious. And that memory stuck. It has stayed, nestled in my heart all my life. 

Throughout my life I have enjoyed many more days like this – after all Thursday’s come every week. However, the value and the splendor of that first morning is a gift I savor. I was recently given another free Thursday. There was nowhere I needed to be and nothing that had to be done. I was free. So I popped by a local coffee shop, bought myself a lemonade and a macaroon. I sipped, I read – a book I brought with because I learned early the wisdom of being prepared – and delighted in the experience. I savored and admired the sun through the window, the morning light on the park across the street, the ambient conversations that filled the room around me.

As I sat in peaceful comfort, I remembered the beauty of my first coffeeshop morning and texted Mom 2 and set a date for a call. I need a refresher course in honoring myself and in keeping my heart whole and my spirit free. The time was a rekindling and a reminder of my priorities. It allowed me to refocus my attention on my own goals and making my own heart sing. To do that requires Thursdaying – making time for my own delight and unexpected treats. It means trusting myself to walk alone and to find a path. Taking the time to savor the sweetness of right now because after all, it is fleeting. 

On the drive home from that first coffeeshop visit I felt elated and free. I felt like the happiest and most authentic version of myself. I felt like me. And it was wonderful. I am forever grateful to Mom 2 for being my bonus mom and for giving me the gift of time to find and honor myself exactly as I am, exactly who I am, and to celebrate regular days. After all, everyone has Thursdays.