How to Have a Happier Life

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Usually I write about the keys to bringing our best selves to our lives. One of the tools I don’t talk about as much but want to address now is relationships and how they help us to have a happier life. I recently watched this TED talk on the impact our relationships have on our lives. Research shows the highest indicator of our happiness throughout our lives is not whether we achieve fame, wealth, or renown. It is not if we are productive or compete well. In fact the highest indicator of wellness and longevity is the health of our relationships. 

As someone who loves her alone time I want to focus on this point. Because taking care of myself with exercise, creativity, meditation, etc. will enhance my wellbeing but it will not determine the duration or the quality of my life. The research shows that good relationships keep us happier and healthier.

Wow, that’s a lot. As someone who curates her relationships, I want this to sink in not just for you but for me too. Having relationships with people we know we can depend upon actually enables us to live longer, healthier lives. And not only that – it decreases the pain we will feel when we do face health issues. Less physical pain – due simply to having dependable family, friends, and relationships with others! And how do we do that? How do we make friends? What if we live in a new place? Or are not familiar with our community? 

Family

Here’s what I know. We recently relocated to a new home – which I talk more about here. We moved to a location much closer to family. We now live in this town with my family super close and it has been one of the best choices we have made. We wave when we drive by each other. We have guaranteed help whenever we make too much spaghetti or have more desserts than any one family can consume. And more than that, family makes this new place feel like home.

Friends

I have found getting involved in the things that interest you help you find your people. For example, I attended a free writing course at the library and ran into an acquaintance. We’re now attending a writing conference together. I even gave a recommendation for her in a job interview. I don’t know that if I needed a kidney she’d be my girl but I sure know that when there’s a writing program, she’s going to make sure I know about it! These small things make a difference in helping all of us feel supported. 

Community

If you want to get involved in your local community I would recommend joining your community and neighborhood facebook groups, attend the block party, even if you only stop by for a short visit. It really is lovely to see a friend you met briefly on the drive home. Even if you don’t like the pressure of a large event you can always attend your community’s annual parades, fireworks displays, home and garden tours, or street market. These are fun, low pressure, ways you can see and meet the people who live around you out and about. 

The larger community can sometimes feel daunting. And the thing is if this isn’t for you it’s ok to stick with a small group. We don’t need a ton of friends we just need a few real ones.

Building relationships really makes a difference in our quality of life. I hope these ideas enrich your life too – and helps all of us all to live a little longer, a little happier, and with less pain and suffering. Sending you lots of love and my deepest thanks because this little community is one of the places where I feel deep joy to be surrounded by loving and likeminded people. So thank you – M.

I am always after ideas and strategies for how to live a happier life. Drop a note in the comments if you have some tips and ideas for creating community and building deeper relationships. 

Collecting Inspiration

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Throughout the year, I collect inspiration from cutouts and images in magazines. They keep me focused on what I am working toward. The pieces I really love get mounted on my vision board.

I often find when I sit down to organize these bits of inspiration at the end of the year many of them no longer speak to me. Their influence was brief and fleeting. I recycle the images and articles that no longer appeal to me. 

The pieces I like but don’t need to see every day are glued or taped into journals. This way the quotes and images I have collected continue to inspire me. But the big and important, still rock me to my core, pieces are posted on my vision board.

My vision board keeps me on task. The board stays out until I have my path memorized by heart. I carry it with me in my memory and then only pull out the board sporadically when I need a reminder.

I collect inspiration almost constantly but the vision board is revisited only twice annually. Once at the end of the year and early January when it is being created. The second time I open it is for Christmas in July or the year’s midpoint to consider and check my progress. It is incredible how these ideas that were once thoughts in my head become reality. To see those concepts I once imagined integrated into my lifestyle feels complete. 

How do you manifest your best life? What tools do you use to stay on task?

Building Mental Strength

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I have been thinking a lot lately about how the muscles we exercise are the muscles that we strengthen. When we focus on our arms or legs we first increase flexibility, endurance, and then begin to see gains. Increases in our ability to lift or move larger objects. The endurance to run longer distances without overexertion. The ability to work harder, longer, faster, etc. All of these capabilities that were not ours at the outset of our exercise become easier for us. This happens too with our mental strength and resilience.  

I’m realizing that as I observe and take in information that is primarily negative that these are the mental muscles I am choosing to exercise. When my perspective is of judgement, suspicion, or worst case scenario that is what will likely appear. As I look for the negative I will find it. Much as if I look for the positive I would find evidence of that. The choice is ours of what perspective we decide to bring to our interactions. Am I looking for help, hope, and optimism? OR am I looking for judgement, hurt, and negativity? 

When we fixate on the negative or worst case scenario those are the thought patterns we encourage to grow. This happens easily when we fixate on negative news, or patterns. However, we can give ourselves grace as the pursuit of any goal takes time. As we work toward any goal – writing a book, painting, or yoga – we give our attention to that goal. The more time and energy we devote the better we get at that activity. As we focus our attention we learn more. Testing theories and learning from our mistakes.

The mental muscles and the patterns that I want to strengthen are those focused on drawing joy, hope, generosity, light and love into my life. I do that by being attentive to those patterns. By shifting my focus from, “What is wrong with this picture,” to “What is going right here?” Or better yet, “How can I improve this picture?” 

With a renewed and optimistic perspective I am striving to make a positive impact not just in my own life but also in the world. This mental strength shift requires intention and attention. It also requires that I do the work of looking for the good in others, in myself, and in the world. It means that my mental strengths need to shift from judgment to support and aid. With time we will start to see the good things first in one another and ourselves.

Let’s try a new mental workout routine to shift our perspectives from disengaged boredom to being the change we wish to see in the world. I hope you will join me.

Giving Yourself a Break

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Do you ever find yourself carried away? By emotions, by life, by the hectic schedule or seemingly endless incoming emails? It’s easy to get so wrapped up in what we, “need,” to do that we completely miss the things that we want to do in life. Today I want to encourage you to give yourself a break. Release the need to be productive and to hold yourself accountable for obligations.

For example, two years ago I joined a writer’s seminar virtually. I have yet to organize my notes. Perhaps this is not the priority I need to give my attention and energy towards. If I haven’t done it in two years, chances are I can let it go. There’s lots of guidance on how to prioritize our time, our tasks, etc. But so often that time gets eaten up by small things that are meaningless. And worse than that we are consumed by tasks that are merely distractions from those moments, people, places, and opportunities that we truly love. 

Today I want only to share a question. What if we paused and allowed ourselves the freedom, the space, and the openness to explore our interests, expand our horizons? Instead of pushing for one more email reply, one more item checked off the list, or one more task completed. What if we considered what fuels us? Thought about what brings us joy? Considered what feels like happiness to you? How does that look, feel, taste, smell, sound? 

In this post there is no wisdom, there is only the questions above and my ardent hope you give yourself a break and the time to explore them.

Follow Your Own Path

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I have been thinking lately about following your path by only accepting into our lives that which resonates. Honoring ourselves by focusing our energy on experiences that feel like joy, happiness, peace, and love helps us to follow our path. There are some simple steps that we can take to amplify these experiences in our lives.

Listening to the Universe + Your Inner Voice

I start by paying attention to the messages the universe is sending me. If you’re having trouble hearing what the universe has to say, try subtracting distractions until something clicks. A guided meditation or breathing exercise can be enough to free your attention to hear your own thoughts. 

Take One Small Step

My next move is to just take one tiny step forward. Maybe it’s folding a blanket or getting dressed, painting something small or just writing out a few words. Just try whatever feels right or you are inspired to do that gets your momentum moving. You’ve listened to the universe, heard what it’s saying, and now you’ve acted on it. These are small but powerful movements towards our own happiness.

Do the Next Right Thing

After that momentum is initiated just do whatever feels right next. I don’t have a formula or strategy beyond that. Of course, the next right thing may be to create a five year plan but it’s also just as likely the next right thing is to clear out your inbox, each of those options is valid and necessary. 

Basically, what matters is that you’re moving toward your own path and inspiration. Our job is not to do everything at once, or to race someone else to the finish line. You are allowed to take your time. When your moment arrives you will be ready. Choosing what resonates with us makes sure we are only welcoming experiences, people and situations that serve us on our journey. While it sounds simple to follow your path is the most challenging and fulfilling work we do in life. We all bloom at the exact right time for us.

Reclaim a Positive Mindset

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This month I’m noticing a shift in how people are showing up. As we prepare for a blast of snow storms here in the midwest there is an edge of negativity and and frustration. This post pandemic reality has not been easy on any of us. I want to take a minute to remind us all of the power we have to reclaim a positive mindset. 

The negative feedback loop does not just happen on social media, it can happen in our own minds as well. Following simple steps is helpful so that we don’t get pulled down into negativity. That said if you feel like you are depressed or need additional help, please seek out a professional care provider. You are not alone and there are experts available, don’t feel you have to face this challenge on your own. 

If however you’re simply looking to lighten the load and brighten your perspective here are some tools we can use to get out of a negative mindset:

Social Media – Revise your social media follows. Pay attention to the media you consume. If you find yourself dragged down or feeling sad or empty after scrolling, start by taking a break from your social feeds. After a break from screen time clean your virtual house. Clear out any account that makes you feel less joyful than when you first view it. It does not matter if these are accounts that belong to people you know, news sources, or causes you believe in – if the content is leaving you drained or in a negative head space, root it out. You can come back when you’re ready but for now it is time to cleanse and take a break.

News Sources – Being an informed and engaged citizen is important but if you are feeling overwhelmed by the content you are observing give yourself permission to let it go. You are not obligated to carry the weight of the world in order to be informed. Choose a positive news source or limit your consumption to one short block of time a day. In the 24 hour news cycle most information does not serve you. Do not allow yourself to be guilted or held accountable for knowing all. Your peace is more important. 

Connections – Pay attention to how you feel after talking with friends and family. Do you feel refreshed and enlightened? Do you feel bogged down or tired? There are some people in our lives who can suck all of the joy out of the room and others. After an interaction it can take hours, days, or weeks to recover. Pay attention to how you feel when you’re with others and if you notice things are heading south, get out. You can begin with boundaries and remind yourself of them as needed. 

Another idea is to make time to spend with people who lift you up and make your life brighter. Be attentive to who those people are in your life and make a point to spend more time in their company.

Mental Health – And again, if you find yourself feeling down more often than usual, seek out a professional mental healthcare provider. Caring for yourself is your most important job. You are your most important thing. The world is a more radiant and beautiful place because you are in it. We cannot win or finish the race if we do not take breaks to rest and recover.

Give yourself everything you need to thrive, feel nurtured, and grow. Reclaim your positive mindset. Care for yourself as you would a small child, pet, or plant. We need sunlight, water, warmth, and care – these things do not come by accident, they come by intention. Be generous with your self-care. Not only are you worthy and deserving, you are also unique and wonderful. There’s no one else like you in the world, so please take care of you. 

Investing Time Wisely

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How to make Your Agenda your first priority and why it’s important.

At the beginning of any new year I like to take inventory. I go through the accomplishments of the previous year and create a list of all of the things I have done – new certifications, courses, or trainings. As I collected together this list today I realized – in life we move closer toward what we make time for. And I want to be sure I’m investing my time wisely.

At the beginning of the year it is fun to set intentions or write out resolutions. However, any project that I devote time and energy towards I will get better at and I will improve upon. At the beginning of the year I have the opportunity to choose where I allocate my time. If I take trainings in website design or pottery I will get better at those things. Therefore it is important to decide what I am working towards. 

Delight in the Detours

I am not advocating for a military style adherence to duty. Detours and often they delight and surprise us more than just following a very regimented path. I am suggesting that if we don’t take control of our own time, obligations will fill our days. 

If you don’t choose good books to read you will likely end up scrolling on your phone. If you don’t register for creative classes, or schedule a vacation that time will pass anyway. The only difference between being where you are now and where you want to be is your ability to invest in making your dreams happen. 

Parables

There’s an old story about a woman who wanted to get her law degree. She tells her friend, “I want to go to school but it takes so long and by the time I’m done I’ll be 45, I don’t think I should do it.” Her friend says, “In four years you will still be 45. Do you want to be a lawyer then or not?” Time will pass with or without our approval – how we fill it is up to us.

I hope you choose to spend your time on activities that bring you joy. Remember the only way to go in the direction you want is to intentionally take the path that leads there. 

Facing Challenges

We inevitably face challenges and hurdles – some plans may be delayed. Or you might miss opportunities because something else is more important and that is ok. The goal is not to plan out every moment or control every situation. The goal is remember that you have power over your time – it is the most valuable and limited resource we have in life. 

Choose Your Path

Choose how you wish to spend your time – if it’s law school, or a nail technicians course, or pottery class. Don’t leave the course of your life to someone else’s control because chances are they will steer you where they want to go, not where you would like to be. If you have a partner or a family, coordinate plans so that as you’re moving ahead your traveling together. It helps to have friendly faces to share the journey. Growing together with people you like and admire does not happen by accident, it happens by intention. Fortunately, the power lies within each of us.

I wish you courage and fun on the new year’s plans. Register for that pottery class, or finally decide to finish or start that degree. I hope you find the path that leads where you want to go because that is always the path to success. Love and hugs friends. I wish you well.

What journeys are you beginning this year and what steps are you taking to make them happen? I’m taking a writing class!

Slowing Down With Lavender Shortbread Cookies

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In honor of slowing down, today I’m sharing my recipe for lavender shortbread cookies. We’re all tired and I thought a little cookie could go a long way towards brightening someone else’s day. As snow falls outside the windows and I am once again reminded of my deep gratitude for cozy blankets, and thick socks.

This time of year is always a wonderful opportunity for reflection and hygge. As I cuddle up to write, under my warm blanket I find myself seeking ways in which to share this feeling with all of you – and I can think of no better way than to share a delicious cookie recipe. It comes from the creative geniuses at Hedgebrook, a writing community devoted to Women Authoring Change. If you haven’t seen their work before, I cannot recommend it highly enough. I’ve taken several of their online courses over the past few years and always find them valuable and enriching – this cookie recipe is much the same. 

When it’s cold outside I don’t need excuse to crank up the oven and fill the house with the cozy and homey smells of dinner and dessert baking. And since I cannot deliver these cookies to you myself, I want to share how I did it so that you may enjoy them too. 

Winter is a wonderful season of rest and renewal, I hope you let its goodness soak into you and nourish you deeply. Here in the midwest we don’t corner the market on hygge living but we do make an art of thriving in adverse conditions. It’s not always easy to stay joyful after a weeklong streak of dark days or heavy snowfall but having a hot chocolate, a fire, and a good book to cuddle up with always works wonders to lift my mood. I hope these cookies are just the ticket to help you slow down and savor the delights of the season. 

Rest, recover, take your time, and give yourself the gift of ease, you don’t even need to crack an egg. Sending you warm thoughts and wishes this winter! – M

Lavender Shortbread

2 Cups Flour (All Purpose)

1/4 teaspoon coarse salt (I used pink to add color)

1/2 pound (two sticks) unsalted butter at room temperature

1/2 Cup granulated sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 teaspoon culinary lavender buds (I used some I had dried from our garden last summer – more on that here)

Sift flour and coarse salt together into a small bowl and set aside.

Beat butter on medium speed in an electric mixer (I used our Kitchen-Aid) for 3 to 5 minutes.

Add sugar, vanilla, and lavender buds continuing to beat for an additional 2 minutes. The mixture will lighten in color.

Add flour and salt mixture and combine on low speed until flour is just incorporated and dough sticks together when it is squeezed between fingers. Don’t forget to scrape down the sides of your mixing bowl and incorporate the grainy bits at the bottom.

On a sheet of wax paper, pat and form the dough into a log – about 12 – 14 inches long and 1 to 1 1/2 inches in diameter. If you prefer square or rectangular cookies flatten the sides as you roll it up in the wax paper. 

Chill in the fridge until firm, at least 1 hour. (I took a reading break.)

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Remove the wax paper from the dough and slice the log into 1/4 inch thick slices. Lay cookies onto backing sheets (you can line the sheets with parchment paper, I forgot and they turned out fine).  Bake until firm 17 to 20 minutes. Cool completely on wire racks. May be stored in an airtight container for 3 to 4 weeks.

Writing Revolutions

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As we enter into another year I am thinking less about the new resolutions I will make and more about the things I am resolved to not carry with me any longer. In order to make space in my life for abundance, joy, and love in the year to come I need to begin writing revolutions. This includes letting go of those things that are no longer meant for me. Releasing all that no longer supports and nourishes me and freeing myself from the obligations and burdens of the past in order to walk more confidently into my future.

For me this looks like releasing obligations made by a past version of myself. I started my writing revolution (I meant to type resolution here but I think the universe knows what I’m talking about so I am going to leave it – revolutions I shall have!). My process includes going through the previous year’s writings. I look for what goals I write and what dreams I still have on my list to achieve. There are two parts to this exercise and I missed one of them. I found my goals and dreams. I forgot to highlight the accomplishments and big steps I have taken forward. And therefore without the support of those accomplishments buttressing my dreams it felt as if my list of duties and obligations only grew while my progress remained stagnant. 

Logically, I know that I have just as many accomplishments as goals. But when confronted with multiple pages of work to be done and little to nothing on the list of accomplishments I felt rather defeated. And instead of coming into the new year refreshed, revived, and proud – I held back. I refrained from writing anything new simply because I did not have the energy to begin.

Therefore, rather than feeling defeated, I am embracing this teachable moment. I am releasing myself from those obligations. Yes, they were the dreams of a woman in the last year and some of them I will delight in achieving. But I am also allowed to release them to the universe. This choice frees me to move on to those things that are truly meant for me. I am setting myself free from the burden of accomplishing any more goals.

I may go back through the journals I have kept over the last year and highlight my accomplishments later. That process may lift my spirits and remind me of all that I have done in 2022. By the end of the year it’s easy to forget all I have done and experienced. Fortunately, keeping a daily journal and calendar helps me to keep track of these details. If you would like to join me in journaling daily – I write more about it here. Even without that reference point it is wonderful to feel as if I can still move forward with ease. 

I have done new things and challenged myself – I just don’t have a nice list organized. And I am done with carrying the load of that obligation forward. Instead, I will begin the new year with a fresh start and a clean slate. I will not burden myself with the work of a previous year. I will grant myself the grace and joy that only freedom from obligation can bring. This frees me to celebrate where I am and all that I have done (whatever that is). It brings me forward into a new day with joy, patience, forgiveness and grace. What a beautiful gift of a new day, in a new year, with nothing holding me back!

Do you journal or track your progress throughout the year? What tools do you use and do you find them truly helpful? What writing revolutions will you start this year?

Christmas Reflections

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In preparing for Christmas and this New Year – I have been so focused on where I want to be, my goals and aspirations, that I haven’t appreciated that where I am is pretty amazing. This time of year always inspires Christmas reflections and gratitude. Everything I have this year was once a dream, everything from writing this note, to where I am physically. I feel a debt of gratitude and recognition of what we have been able to build in the last twelve months. We have accomplished a lot this year. But before rushing to list those things I want to be present. Being here in whatever this suspended time of the year is for all of us.

The time and space after the build up to Christmas, the lull, and almost comatose vegging out of the week between Christmas and New Years. There is no need to purchase anything, we are dining on left-overs. We are hungover from all of the traditional social interactions and family gossip. Thinking about the year to come or not thinking at all. Watching too many Hallmark movies and just being still. What an absolute gift to ourselves. It is a joy to be able to rest and to feel no obligation to instruct, guide, or lead. We are simply present and maybe only vaguely aware – the days blend together and all of it melds peacefully into one restive blob. 

This year I am grateful for our first year in our new home, I’m grateful for health, and I’m grateful for rest. I’m grateful that my family is here around me. I’m grateful we have each other and that we are able to celebrate the holidays together. Grateful for quiet afternoons, naps, and ease. I am grateful to myself for taking this time and not pressuring myself to be productive. 

I am so grateful for relaxing family nights and the joy of sharing a family meal. I am glad for what we have and what we share. Every night this week we have prepared a meal from scratch. Some meals are more ornate and involved than others. But most are simple family recipes that are our own traditions. “Oh Christmas Bahn Mi,” and Grandma’s Chicken Parmesan.

These are delicious and filling meals that not only satisfy our need for dinner but will also make enough to freeze. This is a gift we give ourselves. Before we are in that zone of too much presents, food, and dessert we cook. That way when all we are seeking is a Christmas carrot – there will still be food prepared that requires no effort. We simply warm it up and we are nourished and satisfied. What a gift this time is to rest, relax and deeply nourish ourselves and our families. 

We often spoil each other with gifts and treats. When really, the gift we all want is to watch an old movie, to rest and relax together. We want to be our honest and unguarded selves. Our only goal is to luxuriate in the slower pace and feel no obligation to rush, attend to, or show up for anyone or anything else. Just to simply be peaceful, easy, and home. 

And maybe that’s what I’m writing about after all. These Christmas reflections are about finding home where ever we are and with whomever we choose. The creation of safety, peace, and security. The gift of protection, honesty, new traditions and old melding into the creation of home. We are grateful for building a life and space where everyone is loved and accepted exactly as they are and loved.

We are all so deeply loved and I don’t know what to call it. This may not even have a name but it feels safe, cozy, hygge, health, love, warmth, ease, peace, and tenderness. Whatever the German word for this is, I feel it deep in my soul. I am content and I am happy. This is all I’ve been looking for all my life, and here I have it. More than anything I hope you do too. Here in this virtual living room I hope you feel it. You are all so welcome here, I love you, I’m glad you came, let’s watch another movie.