Tag: alignment

Subtracting to Add

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I recently watched an interview Trevor Noah, the former host of the Daily Show, did with Oprah. He asked her after having spoken with so many leaders in fields spanning all areas of interest and society what contributes most effectively to a person’s success. Oprah’s response was simple, “Everything – every choice and movement you make needs to be aligned with your purpose.” 

When you know your purpose you can direct your course towards making that path the one you choose to follow. Distractons delay, detour, or completely knock us off course. When you decide what it is that you want to do in this life and in the world – every step and decision you make should be in pursuit of that higher goal. Your energy, be it at rest or in motion, needs to be focused on that goal. 

To me it seemed much like writing a novel. Every line needs to have a role. Every word written must be necessary and relevant. Superfluous language or details only distract from your message. The purpose is the clarity of your story. If any line, paragraph, or sentence is not in service to telling your story, delete it. Every word must reveal more about your characters, provide your reader with necessary and relevant information, or it needs to be removed. Anything extra is distracting from that message. As an author this makes sense to me. It creates a solid ground and structure that I can follow. I am on a path and as I make my way towards my goal I only stay on the path that leads to better telling of this story. 

According to Oprah, this works in life as well. When you focus on your goal nothing should distract you. I have found that my heart knows what it wants it prioritizes that path anyway. The things I don’t want to do are so difficult for me to force myself to complete. There is mental and sometimes physical resistance to the things that do not serve my true purpose. It’s difficult and draining when I’m doing things that are not in service to my goal. 

I would encourage you to look at the things you are doing. What tasks feel like a breeze and you could do them all day? What projects or tasks feel like an absolute slog?

Keep a list beside you as you go through a regular day. Draw a line down the middle of the page. On the left side list the items that feel like a dream and delight you. On the other side of the line write down the tasks you completed but didn’t enjoy at all. Some things are necessary evils, we have to wash the dishes if we want to eat off of clean plates tomorrow. There are also some tasks that we do simply because we feel obligated. What terrible duties do you feel exhausted by? They are taking too much time and energy. Is it possible to delegate these tasks or remove them from your chore list entirely? Are they necessary? 

As you subtract those tasks that are not aligned with your true purpose and higher power you may find that not only are you happier but you are also free to pursue more of the good things that bring you joy and align with who you are. It may mean subtracting relationships, tasks, etc. But as you make room in your life for joy, purpose, and your dreams, life becomes a lot richer and more fulfilling. You are create space for those events, people, and projects that deeply nourish you and fuel your pursuit of your goals rather than distracting you from them. 

Be Careful of Your Words

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Last week I shared that as a child I would read inspirational messages posted by a local party center as we drove home from school each day. I was fascinated by the philosophical posts, my favorite was from Lau Tzu a mystic philosopher of ancient China, best known as the author of the Tao Te Ching (The Way and Its Power), published in the 3rd century. The excerpt is below:

Watch your thoughts, they become your words.

Watch your words, they become your actions.

Watch your actions, they become your habits.

Watch your habits, they become your character.

Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

Last week we unpacked, “Be careful of your thoughts,” which you can read here. 

Today I’d like to talk more about being careful of our words. How we say our words has a direct correlation to how we feel and in turn how we treat others. However there are some ways of speaking that destroy connection rather than build it. Being careful of our words, to me, means being intentional in what we say, speaking our truth from our hearts. 

To speak our truth honestly and freely we must also remove some of our weaker conversational tools that no longer serve us. There are two tactics that I strive to limit in my own conversations and I would encourage you to do the same. I’ve expanded on these below:

Sarcasm – There’s a reason sarcasm translates so poorly between languages. At best it can be confusing at its worst it is cruel. For some of us sarcasm is a security blanket a turn of phrase that gets a cheap and quick laugh. Many of us have learned to use sarcasm to distract or deflect attention from ourselves. But when we are using our words to cut down another person or idea – we are causing harm. 

Backhanded compliments and comments – these statements leave just enough room for interpretation. They are not kind or considerate but rather hurtful. These turns of phrase are passive aggressive sarcasm. These are phrases or statements that hurt and harm with kindness – comments like, “You always look lovely in that dress. I see why you wear it all the time.” This is not a compliment, this is a way of taking someone down. These comments sting and much like sarcasm they are designed to hurt.

These are statements are personal and they cut deep. If you are a person who uses backhanded compliments in regular conversation I would encourage you to stop. You are doing harm to the people you love – your family, friends. If you have an issue with someone in your circle it is far better to talk with them directly than it is to kill them with a thousand verbal lashes – because when it is your words that you use to hurt when you ask for forgiveness no one will believe you mean it sincerely.

Using our words seems to be a lost art, the ability to exchange witty banter or turns of phrase that leave others laughing without hurting is a delicate dance. And every so often we do loose our cool, we slip up and say an unkind thing. When that happens it is important to immediately call out your misstep and honestly share your feelings with the other party. 

If someone’s words are hurting you, let them know that you do not appreciate their unkindness. Hopefully, this is a simple social faux pas but if it becomes a larger pattern it is completely understandable and necessary for you to distance yourself from the guilty party until they can learn to communicate kindly. 

If you are someone who uses sarcasm or backhanded comments to communicate, it may be time to reconsider your approach and find a better way to express yourself. Meanness is not a good look and finding a way to share how you feel without hiding behind barbs will only serve you well in the future. You will be giving yourself, and those you love, the gift of honest and open communication. You will be giving the gift of greater intimacy and understanding because your friends and family will know that they are safe in your company. You will find far deeper connections with the people you love, now that they no longer have to hide from your harsh words. I wish you a lifetime of love and connection – use and choose your words wisely. Your words reflect not only how you see the world but impact how the world sees you.

Have you ever used sarcasm or backhanded comments to make a point? Do you use them for laughs? Or would you rather not?

Small Solutions for Bigger Problems

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I am working through a challenge right now where I am being asked to trust the process and the universe – this is not easy! Anyone who has ever sought faith or belief in a higher power has been forced to confront this terrible requirement that is both incredibly easy – once you accept it. But also insanely challenging when you fight acceptance. We fight letting go because everything in our modern life encourages us to believe that we have control. Fortunately and unfortunately we have no control over the world, our circumstances, or the situations in which we live. However, we do control ourselves, our choices, and the way we show up in the world. 

I feel it, deep within me, I am fighting this new development. I want to control the outcome and jump to the part where I chuckle over this resistance and use it as an anecdote for how enlightened and accepting I am… well, I’m not there yet! 

So while I await for enlightenment and acceptance to arrive I am going to do the things I know how to do first. When problems get big I get small. I start doing the small works I never seem to have time to accomplish. I’m going to get to mending those items in the laundry basket – they’ve sat there for ages. I will get organized, all of those paper documents that need to be filed, saved, or shredded – the ever evolving pile of paper that seems to grow on any horizontal surface will be dealt with now. I am cleaning house. Actions that I can delegate will be passed on. Anything that can be taken off of my to-do list will be eliminated or automated. My various lists and plans will be combined and shortened.

While in the midst of this process I received an incredible gift. I called our dental insurance provider over a technical glitch. I was passed from one staffer to another. Even though I was feeling feisty I opened with a genuine greeting – if there is one thing we can learn from Southern women it is that we always say ‘hello,’ and greet one another before asking for anything, it’s just good manners. But once that was done, I answered honestly. I shared that I was frustrated and I told the agent why. She offered me a real solution, and gave me the option to take it. I said, “Yes!” She gave me less work to do and more time for everything else!

What a surprise and what a thrill, to be given the gift of time by a stranger. I could have played coy or put on some fake tone that customer service representatives see right through anyway but I didn’t. I showed up authentically, I told her where I was coming from and she genuinely helped. She saw my problem but saw also the larger picture. I did not need to waste any more time creating an account because the work I was trying to do would be done by my employer and it would have been a waste of my time. So thank the universe for that first customer service agent who forwarded me to someone who could help more than they could and God bless Bernice who gave me the gift of time and less work to do.

Challenges we face may not be solved right away, like that first customer service agent we may not have all the answers but we know someone who can help. And the way we transfer the call or get to that next level is to do the first level work. We show up to do the laundry folding, the file organization, the refilling of soap dispensers. The stuff that doesn’t really change the world but can really change our day. Show up and do that little stuff and the bigger stuff comes though. It gets done or as I’m folding socks an answer occurs to me. It’s just practical advice, when the problem seems too big, get small. Do the little things you know how to do and it will all come together. And even if it takes a hot minute for the answer to come, you will have mended socks, folded laundry, organized piles, and shredded documents – all of these small tasks accumulate to make a greater impact on the day, and your mood. Eventually those small steps become a Bernice moment, they clear the way so that you have more time, more ease, and less stress. Acceptance is a lot easier from that perspective. 

What do you do when you feel a conflict of faith? Or find yourself trying to control the outcome? Where do you find balance and grace?