Tag: boundaries

Reciprocity: Capacity vs. Desire

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Today I want to write about capacity. The desire our children or partners, employers or friends may place upon us for more. This could be asking for time, energy, bandwidth, or attention – all of it is their desire. There is our ability to meet their need or potentially find that we lack the capacity to meet that need. It can feel like failure when someone brings us needs that we cannot fulfill – particularly when we want to help. In healthy relationships we may wish to grow ourselves in order to be a better match for our companions.

First, let’s look at this from the perspective of boundaries and what is appropriate. Other people may make requests of us. Namely our children, friends, or partners, with whom we are in healthy and reciprocal relationships may ask us to grow. Relationships built upon trust and healthy boundaries. In these relationships we may occasionally be asked to rise to the occasion – which we may choose or choose not to do. It is important to remember this as a decision. 

We may demonstrate either our willingness to rise or our decisiveness to decline. Assessing this opportunity might lead us to recognize that the stakes for this ask are too high. Or the request may be outside of our willingness to give. It is possible for us to increase our capacity. It is possible to choose to step forward into a new comfort zone. However the decision must be made willingly, not due to pressure from others.

Choices to increase our capacity include seeking counseling, therapy, reading self-help materials or engaging proactively in self-work. The choice to work through our own traumas, emotions, and rebuild or destroy bridges is a heavy one. This is not light lifting or easy work. It is necessary work only if we want to meet those we love where they are and feel ready to do so. Not simply because we want to be able to meet their needs and expectations of us. 

To raise your capacity requires digging in to the difficult work of self-care and self-love. It means taking ownership for your role in the care and nurturing of your personal energy and needs. It also means being willing to be more vulnerable and open to the people we love. 

I cannot stress strongly enough the necessity of only doing this work for and with professional guidance and only in healthy relationships. This work is not meant to support co-dependence. These are not matters that you can resolve by working on yourself alone. But if you want to give more and feel you can’t without help, that is when you may choose to invest time, energy, and resources in working through the deeply impactful challenges you have faced in life. 

We all have the capacity to give. The ability to look deeply at our histories and learn more about our own healing and growth exists. Choosing to do so is an option. You may wish to increase your capacity as a loving devotion to yourself and your loved ones. Do not tear open old wounds in an attempt to demonstrate martyrdom. You will only re-traumatize yourself and this is an act of violence on your own tender heart.

When someone asks you for more than you are comfortable giving that may be an attempt to subvert your boundaries. It is totally appropriate not to make changes to yourself if you don’t want to do this. Hold your boundaries and only give what you are comfortable sharing. Do not go out of your way to meet another person’s needs, simply because they ask, or demand, or will whine or complain. Your work is not to make yourself miserable for the benefit of someone else. Relationships between adults are meant to be reciprocal and it is not your role to sacrifice your personal wellbeing or health to accommodate anyone else. Anyone who attempts to center themselves at a cost to you is not asking for love or support. They are asking you to sacrifice your welling being for theirs. This is not an appropriate or reasonable ask.

Choose to increase your capacity on your own terms. Choose to do so in order to come to the world a more honest, full, and complete version of yourself. Increase capacity so that you have more to give yourself first. Listen and trust yourself. Set and hold your boundaries. It is ok to be willing to grow in order to be a better person, parent, or partner. But let being better for yourself be your first reason. Your heart will know the difference and the gift is that much better when it comes from your heart and not from a place of control.

Boundaries Refresher

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Boundaries are the ground rules we share with others in healthy and mutually respectful relationships. They are the limits we place around our time, our attention, and our energy. Our boundaries are not negotiable. Lately I’ve been feeling my boundaries are in need of a tune up. I can tell because I am feeling angry and pushed to firmly state or re-state my limits. Anger is a guide that shows us where we need boundaries.

I notice my boundaries can sometimes slip when I choose to ignore my own needs in order to please or gain approval from someone else. It’s what Brenee Brown calls, “Hustling for worthiness.” We ignore our own desires and instead focus on meeting someone else’s needs, hoping to attain validation from that other person or group. It never works. We are left in resentment and anger because we have given what we need most to someone else. We feel resentful of them – whether they knew we were making a sacrifice or not – and angry that we feel used. It is exhausting to live in anger and resentment. It is not a strategy for building healthy relationships.

Therefore not volunteering to contribute to my own destruction is a necessary boundary for me. It is one with myself but there are others too. Some boundaries include how much time I am willing to give to a phone call or conversation topic. How much attention I wish to pay to a certain discussion at a particular time. How far I’m willing to go to meet someone. These limits are what keep me grounded in joy. Giving only what I am willing to share, not giving away that which I need most is key.

In fact, to build healthy relationships is to respect the boundaries of others and have your boundaries respected in turn. It is the highest form of mutual respect and love I can imagine. The reciprocity, for me, is the most important piece. It is the dance of give and take that makes others feel valued and seen. It lets our partners know we respect their limits and are willing to meet them where they are comfortable. Boundaries give us all the space to be free and held. I read recently, “Home is not a place, it is a feeling.” And that struck me as a deep truth. When we come home to our friends, family, lovers, and children we are connecting and creating home. 

A major component to home is safety. We feel safest when we know that we are valued and respected. One of the ways we show others that we love them is by respecting their boundaries. And the way they show us that we are equally valued is by respecting ours. Never settle for less than equity. Never agree to a relationship where the terms of engagement require you to sacrifice your needs or wants for someone else’s. Arriving at a point in life where you can be kind to yourself first, take care of yourself first, is a moment to be celebrated. Because boundaries come from being attentive to our own needs. We have more on how to discover your own needs here.

Pay attention to what your anger is directing you to be attentive to – do you need to set or restate some boundaries? Do you need more space or less? What can you do to feel more at home and at ease in your relationships? What boundaries have you used to center and ground yourself and create a safe home in your relationships with others?

4 Steps to Progress

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Today, we come to the end of our second year of Meanings with MK. I am deeply humbled to be here. Honored to be on the edge of another year and to have the opportunity to look back and reflect on how far we have come. And I am forever grateful to be undertaking this journey will all of you. Time will pass but growth is optional. The steps to progress below will help as you continue on this journey.

Progress is challenging but also worth it. As Neil Gaimen has said, “That which we attain without effort we cannot possibly value.” Remembering where we started gives deeper value to where we are now. Each of us has made sacrifices and choices to improve our lives and grow. There are some steps to progress that are etched onto our hearts. They have transformed our lives for the better. In honor of this second year, I’d like to share them with you.

These are also topics I’ve written on over the past couple years and so I have linked to the how-to posts as well. I hope they serve you.

Meditation

I meditate for, at least, 20 minutes a day. It is a small chunk of time but the difference it makes in my mood, my energy, and my writing is miraculous. The meditations I use are always shifting and changing depending on my mood and circumstances but I show up every day and always feel better when it is done. I write more on meditation here.

Morning pages

I write three pages, stream of consciousness, every morning. Even before I write this blog, I have already written three pages and that feels incredible. It is in keeping with the teachings of Julia Cameron and I could not recommend more highly this simple exercise of starting your day by dumping all of the rogue and random, complaints, worries, joys, and fears onto the page. Just purging all of the chatter in my mind first thing gives me perspective, insight, and the ability to start my day fresh and unburdened. – Also, you can always edit something written but you cannot edit a blank page.

Boundaries

Setting my own and respecting the boundaries of others has opened me up to so much deeper connection and honest interaction. My relationships and my life are better for the boundaries and mutual respect required to uphold them.

Goal Setting

Taking two steps every week towards accomplishing a goal. Whatever my goal is I practice taking small steps toward it. My dogged pursuit of my goals is not done without challenge or obstacles but it is done with persistence. It’s easy to see a large dream and think, “I’ll never get there,” or, “If I fail at this I’m done.” Instead I see failure as a lesson, something I can use to help me grow. I am patient but relentless in my pursuit of my goals.

This blog and the lessons I share with you are all things that I have learned along the way. Many of them are hard-won. And many of you perhaps have learned on your own journeys. For me, writing out what I have learned reminds me of the lesson. I hope reading these notes reaffirms the message and your own commitment to yourself and to your path. 

I hope you find something here to carry with you and help you on your journey. I’m grateful to you for reading. Your being here brings this work full circle. The only way we every truly learn something is when we are able to teach it to someone else. Thank you for helping me to grow and to learn. Thank you for being here. I celebrate how far we have come together to get to this point.

What three things are you most proud of yourself for learning? What steps to progress work best for you?

Give to Yourself First

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We give so much of ourselves to the world – our families, friends, work, and extracurriculars. All of the obligations and opportunities we engage in demand our time, attention, and commitment. As we work to give the best of our capabilities and ourselves to these worthy projects and duties it is important to remember to give the best of yourself to yourself. 

In the trials of daily life – that may actually be trials, challenges and difficulties but may also be routines, opportunities, and responsibilities – we have the opportunity to give away all that we have to others and the world. Or we have the choice to intentionally nourish ourselves so that these regular or typical events do not drain us and leave us feeling winded or in need of a break.

When we rush to fulfill everyone else’s expectations first we can find ourself depleted and lacking energy because we have saved nothing for ourselves. However, when we serve ourselves first we create space and give ourselves room to be nurtured and supported. If we never stop for water we will die long before we finish the race. Like any trained marathoner we know that to pursue our goals, and show up in the world the way we want to, we have to feed ourselves and meet our needs first. This can include basic self-care like hydration or getting enough sleep. It can also look like taking a night off, giving yourself a weekend away, or a social media detox. 

Making time to care for yourself is not selfish, nor is it a luxury. Caring for yourself is your first responsibility – not to the world or your employer – but to yourself. The adage, you cannot pour from an empty cup, comes to mind. Or the idea that when you are spent you have nothing left to give. There is no sense in running yourself ragged. If you choose to overexert yourself you will be always operating on a deficit, which serves no one. In order to arrive each day excited and eager to engage with the world rather than exhausted and resentful we must take care of ourselves. I know this from experience and I suspect you do too. When we press ourselves beyond our abilities or function with less than what we need from others, ourselves, or without the basic nourishment and boundaries that keep us healthy, we are unhappy. We are short and frustrated and oftentimes we’re too tired to investigate why. 

Next time, instead of running yourself harder when you already feel tired, take a break. Get a sip of water and take some deep breaths. Give yourself the space and time you need to recalibrate and align yourself with your goals. Rather than running around in circles or showing up worse for the wear, take a break and stretch, focus on caring for yourself not because you wish to serve others but because you are worthy and deserving of love, care, and attention – all of those wonderful things you already give to the world.

5 Minutes Planning to Save 15 Minutes Work

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I am finding myself in need of the reminder that five minutes of planning will save fifteen minutes of work. I’m rushing and pushing myself to complete so much in a day, forgetting that every day will have its responsibilities, duties, and challenges. And if I am perpetually pushing myself forward toward that next thing I am not able to savor the moment nor am I accomplishing those goals that I have set for myself. I am in need of a refresh, a break, and a vacation. Lately I have been blazing through the day like a warrior, only to conk out at night exhausted but also too tired to plan for the next day. 

Today a meeting was cancelled and that was such a relief. I have over-scheduled and overcommitted myself to so many projects, it’s time to breathe and take a break. It is time to refocus and establish how I would like to show up in the world. I am grateful for the opportunity to be still for a bit. This season has seen me pressing forward and pushing through. Now it is time to rest and reconfigure. I do that by remembering that work will always be there, there will always be another task, more to do, and always someone else asking for more of me. But what I need to give is less, I need to focus on myself, align my actions with my core values and pick and choose those activities to which I will give my energy. Here’s how I’m going to do that: 

Stop: I’m going to stop jumping to finish that, “one last thing,” or shoot off a quick email. I need only to take in the information. Rushing at the speed of light does not enable me to deliver my best work. The first key to doing too much is to stop.

Breathe: The next step I am taking is finding my center, aligning myself before acting. When I rush I take on more than my fair share. I overcompensate for others and the work they are not doing. I stay busy while other people have too little to do. I need to give others the space to step in and step up to help – which they can’t do if I’m in the way. 

I need to take a little bit of time to recalibrate and decide how I want to spend my energy and my time. If it is on this project, or this call, or this email, that’s great – but if these things are not fueling me and will not satisfy my larger plan or highest self, I need to let them go.

Discern: A couple years ago my focus for the year included discernment, which is the ability to listen and trust your inner knowing. Discernment means you don’t make a snap decision, go with the crowd, or do whatever is suggested. Discernment is the practice of looking within to make your decisions and trusting that your inner and deeper knowing will guide you down the path you should be walking – it already knows where you want to end up. 

Discernment is not easy, especially because we are often marketed to, nudged, and talked into acting in certain ways. We are encouraged to buy these items, dress this way, and perform as a cast and not live as real people – who are flawed and messy and do not have perfect hair all the time. To learn more about discernment I would encourage you to read my piece on how to incorporate discernment into your daily life – what I learned after a year of practicing discernment. 

Decide and Hold Strong: Once you have made your decision or selected those items that you want in your schedule and in your life, hold your boundaries firm. We all slip and we all sometimes get submerged – or re-submerged – by the onslaught of attention and activities and FOMO. When you make a decision it’s easy to feel tempted to break your promise to yourself in order to please another person – don’t! You’re learning to trust yourself and building trust with yourself, your “you time” is your priority and it is sacred. Don’t break you appointments with yourself in order to accommodate another person, you will only feel as if you have abandoned yourself and before long you’ll be stretched too thin. (This happens and it happens all the time, in which case just jump back to step one, Stop, and follow the steps from there.

Holding space for ourselves and setting boundaries is difficult. It can be especially hard when you’re choosing from a collection of opportunities you don’t want to miss out on. But as you practice discernment and holding your boundaries you start to see and feel your life moving with new momentum towards the things and people that bring you the most joy – and isn’t that the way every day should be? Shouldn’t everything we do move us closer to our goals, highest power, and happiness? What steps do you take when things get crazy and you start to feel overwhelmed? Any tips or tricks I might want to learn too?

Making a Home

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This week I am honoring my family and our home by investing my time and energy into making this space more sacred and beautiful. I am doing this by taking the time to strategize and plan, I am shopping online and not aimlessly for items we could never afford or might never use. I am searching intentionally for those pieces that will better serve our story and make our home more comfortable and lovely. I am happy with myself and my family for making comfort and connection our priorities.

We are creating space in the children’s playroom for slumber parties and a comfortable seating nook where they may read and relax in their own space. We are hanging artwork where our family gathers, these pieces may be small but they make our home feel more cozy, lived in and loved. These small steps, adding layers of fabrics, textures, and colors to our rooms make this home more hygge and make us all feel more at ease and able to unwind and relax.

Yesterday I felt my tether getting a little short. I felt overwhelmed by a weekend of events and not enough time to be alone and at peace. I was go-go-going and by dinner time on Sunday I could feel my patience slipping. I took a break, I went and meditated and instead of writing, I took my fresh self to my family. I invited my daughter to make dinner together – an idea she had suggested earlier in the day. I collaborated with her and she helped immensely by planning the meal, putting away dishes, and setting the table. She made our little life so lovely and I felt so pleased and proud of her. I also felt gratitude to myself. Instead of pushing through my boundary in order to be a martyr and “please,” others, I took a break. I left to recharge. And we had the most wonderful conversation over dinner. We all ate and were happy and it was so good. It could not have been such a joyful night if I had pushed myself beyond my breaking point. I needed to take care of myself before I could healthfully take care of anyone else. I am so glad I walked away and came back refreshed, rather than pushing myself beyond my limits.

My small and intentional act of choosing comfort is what I hope to create for my family in this house. As I search online and via Pinterest for my, “personal design style,” I am seeking images that feel comfortable and easy. I don’t want my home to look like a museum or a funeral home. I want people to feel at ease and safe. I want this home to hold our family and our guests in a cocoon of health and warmth. I want this space to feel welcoming and happy. I want there to be room for growth and beauty but more than these auspicious grecian ideals, I want a home where people come to feel both held and free. 

I have no interest in acquiring furniture that cannot be sat upon or pieces that may only be observed, never touched. I want to be proud of my home but I also want others to feel welcomed, like they are walking into a hug. I want this space to be where my children and their friends gather to play and rest. I want this to be the home where confidences are shared and everyone is their best selves, including me.

How do you make space for comfort in your home? What pieces in your collection bring you the most joy? How do you create hygge?