Tag: care

Reciprocity: Capacity vs. Desire

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Today I want to write about capacity. The desire our children or partners, employers or friends may place upon us for more. This could be asking for time, energy, bandwidth, or attention – all of it is their desire. There is our ability to meet their need or potentially find that we lack the capacity to meet that need. It can feel like failure when someone brings us needs that we cannot fulfill – particularly when we want to help. In healthy relationships we may wish to grow ourselves in order to be a better match for our companions.

First, let’s look at this from the perspective of boundaries and what is appropriate. Other people may make requests of us. Namely our children, friends, or partners, with whom we are in healthy and reciprocal relationships may ask us to grow. Relationships built upon trust and healthy boundaries. In these relationships we may occasionally be asked to rise to the occasion – which we may choose or choose not to do. It is important to remember this as a decision. 

We may demonstrate either our willingness to rise or our decisiveness to decline. Assessing this opportunity might lead us to recognize that the stakes for this ask are too high. Or the request may be outside of our willingness to give. It is possible for us to increase our capacity. It is possible to choose to step forward into a new comfort zone. However the decision must be made willingly, not due to pressure from others.

Choices to increase our capacity include seeking counseling, therapy, reading self-help materials or engaging proactively in self-work. The choice to work through our own traumas, emotions, and rebuild or destroy bridges is a heavy one. This is not light lifting or easy work. It is necessary work only if we want to meet those we love where they are and feel ready to do so. Not simply because we want to be able to meet their needs and expectations of us. 

To raise your capacity requires digging in to the difficult work of self-care and self-love. It means taking ownership for your role in the care and nurturing of your personal energy and needs. It also means being willing to be more vulnerable and open to the people we love. 

I cannot stress strongly enough the necessity of only doing this work for and with professional guidance and only in healthy relationships. This work is not meant to support co-dependence. These are not matters that you can resolve by working on yourself alone. But if you want to give more and feel you can’t without help, that is when you may choose to invest time, energy, and resources in working through the deeply impactful challenges you have faced in life. 

We all have the capacity to give. The ability to look deeply at our histories and learn more about our own healing and growth exists. Choosing to do so is an option. You may wish to increase your capacity as a loving devotion to yourself and your loved ones. Do not tear open old wounds in an attempt to demonstrate martyrdom. You will only re-traumatize yourself and this is an act of violence on your own tender heart.

When someone asks you for more than you are comfortable giving that may be an attempt to subvert your boundaries. It is totally appropriate not to make changes to yourself if you don’t want to do this. Hold your boundaries and only give what you are comfortable sharing. Do not go out of your way to meet another person’s needs, simply because they ask, or demand, or will whine or complain. Your work is not to make yourself miserable for the benefit of someone else. Relationships between adults are meant to be reciprocal and it is not your role to sacrifice your personal wellbeing or health to accommodate anyone else. Anyone who attempts to center themselves at a cost to you is not asking for love or support. They are asking you to sacrifice your welling being for theirs. This is not an appropriate or reasonable ask.

Choose to increase your capacity on your own terms. Choose to do so in order to come to the world a more honest, full, and complete version of yourself. Increase capacity so that you have more to give yourself first. Listen and trust yourself. Set and hold your boundaries. It is ok to be willing to grow in order to be a better person, parent, or partner. But let being better for yourself be your first reason. Your heart will know the difference and the gift is that much better when it comes from your heart and not from a place of control.

Making Time for More Breaks

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I recently read an article in the Atlantic about the importance of many short breaks rather than only taking long vacations every so often. Basically correlating brief repeated experiences with having higher value than a few extended breaks. Taking regular time to nurture ourselves and our relationships, rather than only doing so sporadically, makes sense.

While on vacation I took a break from my journaling – my morning pages. Every day I write three pages first thing to pour out all of the persnickety and intrusive thoughts, day dreams, and ideas that percolate in my mind over night. Once the ideas are out of me and on the page I can process them, determine how I want to proceed, and move on. They’re no longer bouncing around in my head like a bucket of pingpong balls dropped on a gym floor. They are now in the shape of a list. Or simply by writing my emotional labor of processing is complete and I am able to release the anger, frustration, or whatever energy was attached to those thoughts. 

My vacation was necessary and important but it was also exhausting. We were outside, on the beach, and in the sun for several days. We walked everywhere, splashed in the surf, and crashed into bed each night by nine. Did I mention we were also sick? It was a beautiful experience but also draining. And even not writing my pages, while it was a break, it gave me the feeling of being stalled out despite having a full tank of gas. My energy was devoted to making dinner plans and chasing children to wipe runny noses. And in the midst of that joyful and somewhat restive chaos I ended up getting sick too. 

My take-away from this experience is that we waited too long to take our vacation. We pressed ourselves so hard and for so long that we were all run down and exhausted by the time our trip came. We needed more short weekend breaks in the middle of our work – what the British call a, “mini-break.” A night or two away in the country, something different to break up the monotony and try something new. We need more joy and sporadic rest throughout our regularly scheduled lives, not just on a special occasion. 

The lesson is hard-won but a necessary and worthy understanding. As I nurse this illness with doctors appointments, teas, and rest I am also grateful that it is reminding me of this very important lesson. To take time for myself to heal, to savor and enjoy life. It is not the vacations that are our only highlights. We need more magic in our every day lives. Sharing and celebrating with the people we love most yields the most wholistic, healthful, and delightful results.

Tonight, I think we’re going for ice cream, we have sore throats and need a little joy. The first day back to work and school after a trip is a hard one. I think we deserve some sweet treats and a little love in our days. I hope you find a way to bring some sweetness into your own day today too! And plan more small vacations not just big ones!

It’s also good to remember we can always vacation at home – taking a break for recovery doesn’t always have to mean travel.

Sharing Our Peace

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My first time meditating after a couple weeks of traveling and I feel melty. The comfortable embrace of the duvet. The soothing tones of the guided meditation. I am not feeling wrapped up with some new idea or concept that I must talk to you about. Even though there are a million thoughts and ideas I want to share and savor by writing them out for you. Right now I am thinking of my own inner peace and my true desire to be of help to others. 

Perhaps today’s message is not so much about helping others but about how we choose to engage. Our role is not to be the solution but to be a port in the storm. A temporary life preserver or raft that helps someone take a break so that they may find their own way. We all need a friendly port from time to time, somewhere to rest and recover. Someone who sees that we are in trouble and reaches out to help.

In order to reach others we need to come from our own place of calm. Peacefulness can stem from calm seas and also personal choice. We are responsible for our own actions, attitude, and mood. It is when we are in our own comfort or peacefulness that we are able to be attentive to what is happening outside ourselves. And perhaps that too is a way to give ourselves peace by asking after a friend, reaching out to someone we love.

I’d like to make a distinction here between reaching out from a sense of comfort to share our bounty. As opposed to reaching out as an attempt to control or out of a codependency habit. We are not enmeshing ourselves in someone else business or their problems. Not solving their problems for them but making ourselves available to listen. Offering only support, not guidance or direction.

Offer a helping hand but not at risk of falling into the abyss yourself. Brenee Brown talks about being a supportive friend or partner when someone is in a pit of despair (Princess Bride, anyone?). We do not help others if we crawl into the hole with them just to suffer by their side. It is not supportive to sacrifice ourselves so that someone else my climb out of the hole and escape. Our role is to be there with our friends as they figure out their own escape. We call down what we see from our position or reach out a helping hand when they are ready for it. Think of this like handing a racer water as they run past – you’re not in the race but your are facilitating its completion.

These metaphors can sometimes cloud the issue but they drive home the same point, we are not above, beyond, or better than our friends and neighbors that are suffering. We are simply in a different position. If you look around and find yourself in a place of abundance and from that position you’d like to help someone else, reach out. Let people know that you see them. To know that we are not alone has its own healing power.

Even while writing this I took a break to reach out to a friend. She is transitioning between businesses, closing down a brand she built and creating something new. I have no doubt in her abilities or her timing. But when we are in the thick of change it can be overwhelming, so I sent a supportive note to let her know I’m on her side. To tell someone we see their strength helps to fuel their progress. I know that she will weather this storm and come away stronger. And incase she forgot it herself, I offered her my peace with no agenda. Helping others feels good.

These tiny actions help others to feel seen, us to feel generous, and anyone who witnesses our kindness benefits feels good too. This reciprocity is what keeps our relationship thriving. And bonus, long after this interaction when we find ourselves in a sea of change, we will know that other’s did it, and we can too. 

How do share your peace with others? How do you reach out without getting pulled down? 

And if you’re looking for more calm in your life – here are some tips to help get you there.

Proactive Healthcare

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As we all grapple with the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic I think it’s important to address self-care when we are ill or in recovery. In years past it was always a rush to get back to a typical schedule, pushing ourselves and our bodies back into full activity and agendas. Now that we are all being forced to slow down, to choose to care for ourselves physically may be the key to our continued health or recovery should we become ill. The goal however it not to get back to regular activity but to determine how we wish to engage going forward. How will we tend to ourselves and help our minds and bodies to heal?

Food – One of my favorite pastimes is sharing a good meal with people I love. Friends, family and good food belong together in my mind. I also love how food bridges the gaps between cultures and gives us all something we can share. Flavors, recipes, and cooking techniques are wonderful common ground we all share no matter our background. It is also necessary for health. As you ease back into you regular routine and start adding your preferred foods back into your diet, choose foods that sustain and nourish your body. 

Body – Learn to honor your body’s needs. I am no longer one to push myself to accomplish the next goal or rush from one thing to another. There is no prize for pushing my body past its comfortable limits. I am realizing that for me to be my best self and operate at the level I wish to operate, I need to be well rested and comfortable. This includes making time to exercise and stretch – it feels good to get my body moving but also to let it rest when it is ready. I am being active without overextending myself beyond my body’s boundaries. Taking care of my physical self includes nurturing and noticing when my body is tired and needs more time to heal.

Sleep – Getting enough rest is always important – doctors recommend eight hours a night for most people. To learn more about the scientific impact of sleep less on your health check out this Ted Talk, Sleep is Your Super Power by Matt Walker. The most striking takeaway that stays with me, “The shorter your sleep, the shorter your life.”

Mental – Recovery from COVID, injury, or any illness requires mental investment. It is important to mentally prepare ourselves and create an environment for health and wellbeing. If we are hopeless, superstitious, or preemptively defeated we cannot face our challenges with the determination and grit they require. Mental endurance, recovery, and resolve are much like physical strength – we must train our muscles. This means visualizing ourselves well, remembering those that we are living and fighting for, and having hope that despite the challenges we face – illness like wellness is temporary. We are not going to be sick forever, though sometimes it does feel like it. We are going to get well and to do that we need to remember our mental health is part of our practice for healing. 

When we are worn down we are all more susceptible to illness and fatigue. The best way to combat illness and take care of ourselves is to practice everyday wellness so that if we should be confronted with an injury or ailment we are ready to face the challenge with grace, optimism, and strength. 

Preventative self-care may seem simple but as we’ve all been masked, socially distanced, and isolated for three years we can get tired of the routine and let our guard down. If you’re feeling worn out by the obligations of COVID and the proactive steps we’re all taking, just remember that you’ve made it this far and I’m proud of you. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Taking care of ourselves is our most important work, you’re important to the world, we need you well – keep up the great work! 

Caring for Yourself First

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As I work toward better care of myself and tending to my own needs before tending to others I am learning so much about what I like and what pleases me. A big challenge for me is giving away that which I want most to others. If it’s a party or a gift or even a small treat, I refuse to take it for myself. I do however hold on to it and save it for someone else. I could justify the expense or the investment if it was for someone else – but never for me. 

As I do more deep dive self-work I am finding how that cycle has continued to hurt me throughout my life. It has worn me down and worn down that still small inner voice I have that calls to me to tell me what I need, what I value, what I want. And over time and after repeated years of giving that which my heart longs for most to others that inner voice has grown steadily more quiet. However, one of the great healings of this work has been the generosity of giving myself that which I want. And by giving small gifts, little indulgences here and there – maybe it’s a cookie after mediation or some quiet time out in the yard by myself – my inner voice is getting stronger, louder, and it is guiding me to exactly where I want to be and what I want to be doing. 

For years I have kept this monogramed lumbar pillow on my etsy wishlist. It is expensive and luxurious and really, it’s a decorative pillow, it serves no useful purpose. But to me it looks lovely. I think it is beautiful and elegant. Tasteful and classic, it just seemed like something I would like to have, for whatever reason. For years I have looked at this pillow and thought – in a nicer house, in someone else’s room, perhaps the next wedding invitation I will send it to someone else. And instead, today I bought it. I pulled the trigger and ordered that pillow. And I am excited for it to come. I am eager to see how it looks on my bed. I have wanted this pillow for years and instead of punishing myself for one more day by looking at it and thinking it’s beautiful but too beautiful for me, I thought I love it and I want it and now it’s mine. 

I will be one of those elegant southern ladies with a monogrammed pillow sham. I will be the owner of something classic, tasteful and refined. And deep in my heart there is this sweet singing. A gentle hum that tells me I am doing the right thing and I am nourishing something deep inside me. A need that has longed to be filled and is finally getting what it wants from me – the only person who can give me exactly what I want and need. And that is the beauty of this learning, it is the realization that I don’t have to wait for someone else to guess or get it just right on a whim. 

When I listen to my inner voice I know, deep down I know, what I want and need and I don’t need anyone else’s permission or approval to give myself those things. I can give those things to myself, be they small or large, and they will fill me up. I will satiate a deep thirst and when my cup is full to overflowing there is enough to share with others. When I feel ready I can give to other people – I do not need to steal the bread from my own mouth to give to someone else first. 

I cannot pour from an empty cup and so when I have enough then I have more than enough to give. But taking what I want and giving it to others keeps me rooted in resentment because I am giving more than I have. I am giving beyond my own boundaries and my own comfort level and that is not a gift given willingly. That is a gift given with strings attached. And I don’t want to give with strings attached any longer. I want to give from the fullness of my abundance. I want to share because I want to and I am so full, my joy so rich and large that giving or sharing with someone else will not deplete my resources. And I want to surround myself with friends who appreciate, respect, and value the reciprocity of these gifts. People who realize what it takes to share and want to share not only their gifts with me but also accept with an open heart those gifts I have available to share freely and do not want or expect that I should give to them what I have not yet offered myself and satiated my own need for first. It is that awareness, that honesty, and mutual appreciation that feeds us both that draws to us those who wish to share not to take and those that wish to give as much as they receive. And that is the zenith of this work – to love myself so dearly and deeply that I only draw towards me those that can and want to do the same. 

How do you care deeply for yourself? How do you find your circle of friends and build reciprocal relationships? Who is your best reciprocal friend?