Tag: connection

The Language of Ideas

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The more I observe my mind and how it works the more I find language to be a filter for the ideas that I hold. An imperfect filter because it forces ideas to conform to its limitations and boundaries. An idea may be in colors and sounds but difficult to share if it cannot be made to fit into sentences and words.

Language is transformational – its formality conveys prestige and elegance – ideas that are meaningful but not by their definition but on the power, access, or status they imply. Language may be casual or coarse. It conveys personality, emotion, and region. We learn so much from another person when we listen to the way language drips from their tongues. 

Which is an interesting concept when we consider the ways in which we add an additional filter when we learn a new language. With new languages we learn different rules. We open up new ways of expressing ideas. Our first language may have been a less perfect tool for us to communicate. Like finally being able to describe the weather in an Inuit language that holds 50 different words for, “snow.” Or the specificity that one gains from colloquialisms based on what another culture values most. How we might relate better to one another if only our language filters were adjusted to provide even more transparency?

It also begs the question, if we need a language to share how might we be able to utilize our magnificent minds to communicate in the abstract? Through art? Movement and dance? Touch? Words are like scaffolding for dreams – without them we are unable to share our visions our dreams of what might be or what is possible now. We use them to give structure to the ideas we generate. Even those ideas not in a verbal framework but in an imagined dream. Ideas generated in colors, sounds. The small theaters of our minds forever workshopping strategies, plans, imagined scenarios, and makeshift streams of events. Strategizing how we become the version of ourselves that we imagine.

How phenomenal that we have utilized sound in this way, our bodies in this way, to communicate, to share, and to grow our influence in a world where we are all actors in a shared hallucination. This same idea that reality is a thing even though it does not appear the same to all of us. Even though we have a vast array of philosophies, values, and understandings. We long to share our thoughts and use language to communicate the desires of our minds, bodies, hearts. It’s simply phenomenal.

Building Healthy Relationships

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Our first November flakes of snow here in the midwest. As the weather starts to turn my thoughts are on warmth and connection. We talk a lot about the importance of self-care and awareness. But in addition to our relationships with ourselves it is important to also build healthy relationships with others. People who encourage us to be our best selves. Motivational speaker Jim Rohn believes that we become most like the five people we spend the most time with.

When we look at our circle of friends often we build relationships by proximity. The kids we went to school with, people we meet at the office, or neighborhood friends become our closest confidants. Building relationships based on physical proximity makes sense. Your coworkers or neighbors are most likely to be there when you need help. However we also want to practice the first rule of improv – yes and.

Yes, we want to build friendly relationships with the people who live and work nearest us. AND we want to build bonds with people who support us to be our best selves. With whom do you connect most deeply? When we surround ourselves with people who live nearby it’s important to asses if we share their opinions and values. When we spend time with people who don’t share our beliefs we may be tempted to, “Fit in.”

Finding people whose values we agree with and whose attitudes we admire may be challenging. But it is important to seek those relationships out so that we might become the best version of ourselves. We become our most authentic selves not by constantly having to prune back our opinions. We come our best selves by being surrounded by people who encourage us to dig deeper. Nourishing relationships fill our days with opportunities to enhance our lives and our interests rather than distract from them. We want to spend time with people who have our best interest at heart and who embrace and accept us exactly as we are. Within these relationships we find opportunities to grow and develop into the fullest, most beautiful and authentic versions of ourselves. 

If the relationships you are in do not meet these criteria, it may be time to consider where you last felt seen, valued, and supported. Then circle back to those people and relationships that felt the truest and best. Self-care is surrounding ourselves with loving people who encourage our growth and support us in our times of need. Give yourself the gift of being surrounded by nurturing connections and see how it transforms your life.

Art Show

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This weekend I participated in my second art show. This exhibition was a juried show with a tenured track record – they’ve hosted this event for nearly 40 years! I was so delighted to participate in the event and learn more about the community it serves. There were nearly 8,000 guests and attendees that made their way past my booth and many popped by to visit, say, hello, and make some purchases in the hot August sun. 

That’s another note – the days were sweltering. We had the tent but no electricity – so no fans or air conditioning. My deepest and sincerest gratitude goes to the amazing friends, family, and fans who made the trip out to the event! It absolutely filled my heart to see some littles who not only remembered and still loved my art – but also remembered me and their fresh sprigs of mint. I’ve taken to sharing sprigs of mint from my garden with the youngest attendees. When you’re shopping at an outdoor venue the day can be long and honestly who doesn’t like a little treat?

Kids and creatives are my favorite art show customers. Children know what they like, there is no effort to impress or appeal to someone else. When have you ever held a conversation with another adult about your third favorite dinosaur? It’s as if we grow up and forget what is truly relevant. Seeing the joy in my littlest fans fills me up. I love sitting down on the ground and connecting with kiddos and learning what they notice about the art they are viewing. I even keep hand sanitizer in the booth so that they can feel the artwork and enjoy the sensory experience of the piece as well as its visual appeal. 

Talking with kiddos about art brings me true joy. I also love pets! Meeting so many fluffy friends at the show was a pure delight. I met fluff-balls Teddy and Layla – who brought me to my knees as the song goes. Her owner proudly explained the song was the inspiration for her title. It was so comforting and delightful to have fuzzy company to break up the day. Next time I will bring a little doggy bowl with cool water for my furriest guests to enjoy. I am also thinking about suckers – because even the bank hands out treats. I may have to think about a cool way to tie the treat back to my art and keep it from melting or making curious hands too sticky! 

All that said, I learned a lot. I learned the simple joy of sitting out in hot weather with a good book. I appreciate fully the gift of guests to keep my spirits lifted. Displaying art publicly is a humbling and vulnerable experience. It is intimidating and who you have beside you makes a real difference. My plan is to make sure I continue to surround myself with people who lift me up and encourage me to blaze my own trail, stay true to myself, and believe in my own capabilities. That is a real gift – especially when in the heat of the day (96 degrees by my calculations – in Ohio for Lord’s sake!) traffic slows down and you’re left with only the parameters of being present and still, waiting for what is next to come. Sometimes a little distraction can be a real lifesaver.

Speaking of lifesavers I cannot thank my husband or cousin enough for popping in and out on both days, setting up the tent and carrying all of my supplies back and forth. It is an absolute dream to share this process and experiences with my family. To let my kids see me trying, failing or succeeding, I have taught them a valuable lesson about showing up. And my partner has taught them about showing up for those we care about. Our examples are molding the people they will become. Their examples are also molding us. My favorite being my son making fast friends. No sooner had I struck up a conversation with the child’s mother than they were laughing, running around, and playing tag together. It’s that easy to make a friend. I’m so glad to have the openhearted lovingness of children, as my guide to relate to others. 

I’m proud of me. Proud of my art. Proud of the art show and the strength and turpitude it took to get to this point. I am sticking with this craft and I am grateful to myself for staying the course. This is not an easy path but it is a joyful one. And as I consider textiles – fabric design, wallpaper, draperies, etc. I am eager and excited for what comes next on this creative journey. I am growing and learning more each and every day. And even when it’s hot and I am doing it for myself and I am proud of me. I did it! 

Timelessness

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Lately I have been feeling short on time and long on obligations. There’s so much I want to accomplish but never the time to complete a task. I am pulled from work obligations, to personal plans and goals, and before I know it another day, another week, another month is gone. With so much calling for my attention it feels like I am always missing something. When that happens I try to remember that I am showing up for the things that are truly important. I am there for family time, for important events, and for the celebrations that make life more beautiful.

I recently sent a friend a pair of sandals. A long time ago I was a new mother in a new home and she was a new friend. We were not close but she offered to come take photos of the baby and I accepted. Short on both time and support I was grateful she came. This friend was an absolute dream and her visit solidified a budding connection. For the first time I felt fully embraced in my new identity. I was simultaneously a friend, a woman, and a mother. I wasn’t just one or the other, I was all of the above. As I was learning to be all three at once this friend gave me the space and time to be exactly who I was and who I was becoming in the same moment. I felt whole with her.

As she was leaving we found that as we had been staging photos, our dog had devoured her shoes. He had simply destroyed them. She thought nothing of it and left, thanking me for hosting as I profusely apologized. Later, I remembered her kindness and her shoes and so, I sent her a pair.

She was surprised and delighted. This time around she herself has two new little ones and is wading in that uneven territory between a new stage of womanhood, family life and individual autonomy. She had completely forgotten her original pair of shoes and asked if I was a mindreader? I reminded her of her kindness so long ago, and we got to talking about time. 

I shared that when I am attempting to conform or comply with the modern construct of time I feel perpetually late. As if I’m failing to uphold some sort of sacred bargain. Whereas if I follow my own rhythm and natural timing it seems I am always showing up at exactly the right moment. I am not rushed and I am arriving just when needed. 

She shared her own perspective. “You followed your impulses to that moment and, like magic, you made something manifest for me at the precise moment when it was needed in my life. If you ignore time and follow your inner voice instead, you are able to have perfect timing for everything you do in life (minus the boring things like getting to work on time of course).”  I rebel against the modern construct of time as something to conform to or obey. Following my own timing I am perfectly settled. When I attempt to follow the guidelines of time others set, I am often late and discombobulated.

Time becomes something I am guilty of rather than something I use wisely. And maybe that’s the conflict I am feeling around the concept of lateness. It is both a tool of control and something we mutually agree to conform to in a society. I recognize that time and timing are different things but do they need to be? Is it possible that we could exist in a timeless environment where we follow not the regimented hours of production and capitalism but instead trusted ourselves and each other to arrive when the time is right for each of us? For train stations and busses this idea is impractical and maybe it only works for some of us. Still the idea of living free of time is invigorating.

Perhaps the issue isn’t time so much as the value we place upon it. We treat timeliness and tardiness as personal failing. From a young age we learn that it is inconsiderate to be late. And perhaps it is, if you consider time spent waiting or alone wasted. Still, it could also be that we are simply arriving at the exact right time for us. It could be that by honoring our sacred rhythms we connect more deeply to ourselves and our natural interests and inclinations. That our inclinations save us from spending time on those obligations that we instinctively know are not for us. We may arrive a decade late but it is just the right time. Timelines are for strangers and work associates. Time is not the business of creativity, connection, or communing with our deeper longings, innermost knowledge, and truest friends. 

Choose Your Time Wisely

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Part of what makes life so precious is its fleeting nature. Life is temporary. This moment be it pleasant or dreadful is only a moment and in the blink of an eye it’s gone. We often believe that if we lived forever we would lack urgency. We might never tell others how important they are to us. Or delay challenging ourselves or trying new things because there would always be tomorrow. However time is one resource that is truly limited. Choose your time wisely.

I caught a clip from a film where a waitress charged a guest for their meal in years of their life. “That will be eight and a half weeks,” she scans his arm. “Take a week for yourself as well,” he adds, as a tip. It made me sick. It was a terrifying and cavalier prospect in my mind to trade our time for a lunch or service. And yet despite our current inability to add and subtract years of our life in exchange for goods and services, don’t we do that already? Simply with our choices or by virtue of our lifestyle? We add or subtract years of our life when we eat processed foods, smoke, or lead a sedentary lifestyle. We add them when we exercise or choose connection and mutually supportive relationships over unhealthy ones. 

Each of us has the opportunity to make a difference in our lives with the choices we make. When we think about those people who are important to us, those relationships we wish to nurture and develop, doesn’t it seem worthwhile to make the effort? When we choose to be present in the moment and invested in the people around us we unlock connection. Choosing not to be distracted is an act of rebellion. By engaging fully with those who are important to us we rebel against the the constructs of entertainment. We reject the advertisers and designers who strive to keep our attention locked and our pocketbooks open. 

When we distract ourselves with fruitless entertainments we cheat ourselves out of time. We believe, “it’s just minutes,” which seems to make the time feel expendable. I have a few minutes here to scroll, I’ll check my emails again. Time does not feel significant when it is stolen in scraps and small bits. And yet over a lifetime it adds up, those minutes become days, become weeks, become years. And all of that time is lost if we don’t make a point to invest it more wisely.

If we don’t cavalierly spend it on poor choices or mindless entertainment. We might choose instead to make propeller sounds. Those sounds let us fly with a kiddo to some far off land. We do not not care if the imaginary plane breaks down. Because all we have is right now with each other. We are missing nothing. All we have is this moment. Choose your time wisely. What would you like to do with it?

Changing your Luck

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Whether you are a religious person or not many of us have heard the sentiment, “Let Go, Let God.” The suggestion is used to remind us to release the illusion of control. The simple desire to have things in our lives go well, or go “right,’ leads us to the image of ourselves at the center of the universe. This perception leads us to believe that we are in some way controlling what comes to us and into our lives. And we can’t control the universe but we can control our actions and by shifting our patters we can absolutely change our luck.

We are often told to be attentive to our thoughts as that is what will be drawn into your life. A study was done on this concept of mindset and opportunity. The researchers collected several individuals who considered themselves both lucky and unlucky. The researchers told their subjects to go get a morning coffee. What the researchers did not tell the subjects was that they had left five dollars on the floor of the coffee shop.

The majority of people who considered themselves unlucky did not even see the money on the ground. They reported having an uneventful or average morning. The individuals who considered themselves lucky noticed the money and picked it up. They also did something else – they paid it forward. They added the money to the tip jar or bought a stranger in line behind them their drink. Many of the people who considered themselves lucky made new friends or business connections by sharing the money they found. Almost all of them both found the money and used it to do some good for others which resulted in a boomerang effect. Because they sent light, joy, goodness, out into the world, they also received that same energy back. They considered this how the universe works.

Therefore, just as we can practice smiling to put ourselves in a good mood. We can also fake the control we have over the universe by putting some goodness out into it. Perhaps you are having a rough day but if you do small things to improve the lives of others that reciprocity will catch up with you too. 

How can you take better care of yourself and trust the universe a little more? What healthful practice do you use when you feel yourself holding on a little too tightly?

Living with Intention, Not just Urgency

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Have you ever noticed how we take our joys and transform them into obligations? We get tangled up in expectations and plans. Failing to let our lives blossom or unfold naturally. We have a dinner party tonight. It’s a wonderful opportunity to celebrate. But all day I have been thinking about my hair, what to wear, and if I have the right shoes. None of it matters. I am excited but also caught up in the details. I am not living with intention, I am living with urgency.

We have spent so little time out of our homes the past couple years that any event takes on new meaning. I’ve been talking a lot about the intentional use of our time and a realization is striking home. When we limit the amount of time we spend with those we love, intentionally or unintentionally, it leaves us with less time together. We may only have a handful of visits left and that feels too little. The realization also has me reflecting on living with intention, not just urgency. I have no interest in approaching gatherings with urgency – a rush to cram every interaction with deeper meaning or as many people as possible. But instead to focus on intentionality, being fully present and engaged with those we do spend time. Isn’t that how we should always approach time with our loved ones?

My aunt passed away several years ago due to early onset of alzheimer’s. She was not herself much of the time save a few moments during every visit she was my godmother. Twice a week I made a point to drive the half hour to the care facility in which she was living to spend quality time with her. We would do crafts when she was able. In the winter I would bring in a cookie sheet of snow to play with in her room. We made memories and laughed. My aunt would make propeller sounds and my daughter would fly the plane (her medical bed) to far off locales – Paris, New York, Egypt, and sometimes they made the trip. Other times they had to land early for repairs. They laughed and I laughed and recorded their exchanges. It was pure magic. 

It was the magic of being present, of sharing a sacred moment, and of knowing that all we truly have is now. Intentionality is telling our loved ones, “I love you.” Calling an elderly relative to remind them that they are important to you. Making the time for family get togethers and wearing whatever you want. Because the point isn’t what you wear, the point is that you showed up. 

Boundaries Refresher

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Boundaries are the ground rules we share with others in healthy and mutually respectful relationships. They are the limits we place around our time, our attention, and our energy. Our boundaries are not negotiable. Lately I’ve been feeling my boundaries are in need of a tune up. I can tell because I am feeling angry and pushed to firmly state or re-state my limits. Anger is a guide that shows us where we need boundaries.

I notice my boundaries can sometimes slip when I choose to ignore my own needs in order to please or gain approval from someone else. It’s what Brenee Brown calls, “Hustling for worthiness.” We ignore our own desires and instead focus on meeting someone else’s needs, hoping to attain validation from that other person or group. It never works. We are left in resentment and anger because we have given what we need most to someone else. We feel resentful of them – whether they knew we were making a sacrifice or not – and angry that we feel used. It is exhausting to live in anger and resentment. It is not a strategy for building healthy relationships.

Therefore not volunteering to contribute to my own destruction is a necessary boundary for me. It is one with myself but there are others too. Some boundaries include how much time I am willing to give to a phone call or conversation topic. How much attention I wish to pay to a certain discussion at a particular time. How far I’m willing to go to meet someone. These limits are what keep me grounded in joy. Giving only what I am willing to share, not giving away that which I need most is key.

In fact, to build healthy relationships is to respect the boundaries of others and have your boundaries respected in turn. It is the highest form of mutual respect and love I can imagine. The reciprocity, for me, is the most important piece. It is the dance of give and take that makes others feel valued and seen. It lets our partners know we respect their limits and are willing to meet them where they are comfortable. Boundaries give us all the space to be free and held. I read recently, “Home is not a place, it is a feeling.” And that struck me as a deep truth. When we come home to our friends, family, lovers, and children we are connecting and creating home. 

A major component to home is safety. We feel safest when we know that we are valued and respected. One of the ways we show others that we love them is by respecting their boundaries. And the way they show us that we are equally valued is by respecting ours. Never settle for less than equity. Never agree to a relationship where the terms of engagement require you to sacrifice your needs or wants for someone else’s. Arriving at a point in life where you can be kind to yourself first, take care of yourself first, is a moment to be celebrated. Because boundaries come from being attentive to our own needs. We have more on how to discover your own needs here.

Pay attention to what your anger is directing you to be attentive to – do you need to set or restate some boundaries? Do you need more space or less? What can you do to feel more at home and at ease in your relationships? What boundaries have you used to center and ground yourself and create a safe home in your relationships with others?

How to Have a Happier Life

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Usually I write about the keys to bringing our best selves to our lives. One of the tools I don’t talk about as much but want to address now is relationships and how they help us to have a happier life. I recently watched this TED talk on the impact our relationships have on our lives. Research shows the highest indicator of our happiness throughout our lives is not whether we achieve fame, wealth, or renown. It is not if we are productive or compete well. In fact the highest indicator of wellness and longevity is the health of our relationships. 

As someone who loves her alone time I want to focus on this point. Because taking care of myself with exercise, creativity, meditation, etc. will enhance my wellbeing but it will not determine the duration or the quality of my life. The research shows that good relationships keep us happier and healthier.

Wow, that’s a lot. As someone who curates her relationships, I want this to sink in not just for you but for me too. Having relationships with people we know we can depend upon actually enables us to live longer, healthier lives. And not only that – it decreases the pain we will feel when we do face health issues. Less physical pain – due simply to having dependable family, friends, and relationships with others! And how do we do that? How do we make friends? What if we live in a new place? Or are not familiar with our community? 

Family

Here’s what I know. We recently relocated to a new home – which I talk more about here. We moved to a location much closer to family. We now live in this town with my family super close and it has been one of the best choices we have made. We wave when we drive by each other. We have guaranteed help whenever we make too much spaghetti or have more desserts than any one family can consume. And more than that, family makes this new place feel like home.

Friends

I have found getting involved in the things that interest you help you find your people. For example, I attended a free writing course at the library and ran into an acquaintance. We’re now attending a writing conference together. I even gave a recommendation for her in a job interview. I don’t know that if I needed a kidney she’d be my girl but I sure know that when there’s a writing program, she’s going to make sure I know about it! These small things make a difference in helping all of us feel supported. 

Community

If you want to get involved in your local community I would recommend joining your community and neighborhood facebook groups, attend the block party, even if you only stop by for a short visit. It really is lovely to see a friend you met briefly on the drive home. Even if you don’t like the pressure of a large event you can always attend your community’s annual parades, fireworks displays, home and garden tours, or street market. These are fun, low pressure, ways you can see and meet the people who live around you out and about. 

The larger community can sometimes feel daunting. And the thing is if this isn’t for you it’s ok to stick with a small group. We don’t need a ton of friends we just need a few real ones.

Building relationships really makes a difference in our quality of life. I hope these ideas enrich your life too – and helps all of us all to live a little longer, a little happier, and with less pain and suffering. Sending you lots of love and my deepest thanks because this little community is one of the places where I feel deep joy to be surrounded by loving and likeminded people. So thank you – M.

I am always after ideas and strategies for how to live a happier life. Drop a note in the comments if you have some tips and ideas for creating community and building deeper relationships. 

Did You Have Fun?

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Opportunities vs. Obligations

I strive to give myself the gift of peace and spaciousness. I seek to complete only those tasks that are truly necessary. Freeing myself from the responsibility to do things simply because other people expect them. I am making space for the connections that fuel and fill my heart. I am focusing on reciprocity.

Perhaps you do this too? Where you work so hard to please others or to be “kind,” that you sometimes find yourself overstepping your boundaries. You realize suddenly you’re giving more than your fair share to projects, work, to social engagements. Involvement in clubs, groups, or events snowballs quickly. We are taken out of the moment, distracted with planning, orchestrating, and completing tasks. These obligations can keep us from being fully present. 

Not every dinner or occasion deserves to be treated like a diplomatic engagement. Not every event requires choreographed time tables, speeches, and appropriate attire, decor, and entertainment. These are all unnecessary extras that keep us busy rather than give us the freedom to engage. We get caught up in minutia. “Is it time for cake?” “Does everyone have a plate?” “Are we out of ice?” that we completely miss the milestone events that we were hoping to celebrate in the first place.

I have lost countless birthday parties and luncheons in the ethos of control and making it so nice for everyone else that I forget to enjoy myself. One question that stops me in my tracks, “Did you have fun?” The question is so simple but if I truly reflect on the event – the decor and seating arrangements were lovely, the setting and scenery were beautiful, all of it was an exercise in elegance and loveliness. But did I have fun? Or was I sitting on pins and needles because I wanted to impress other people? By asking this question I am making the distinction between is this event an opportunity for fun or is it an obligation?

I have a new practice to conside first, if I am enjoying myself or if I am simply performing kindness because I wish to be perceived as kind. I no longer wish to engage in situations wherein I am not having fun. If I am not treated well or find the people who will be in attendance anything less than delightful, kind, or welcoming – I’ll simply stay home or find an alternative. It is sad to miss events where some of the people I like and admire will be present but I would much rather be true to myself and honest about what I’m feeling than put a mask on and pretend when truly I am uncomfortable and on edge. 

Being excited to be somewhere and having a good time are two different things. I am grateful that I am learning the difference as I age. This way I am able to build and craft the life that I want. I have learned to put myself first and stop placing myself in uncomfortable or undesirable situations simply because it will make someone else happy. I have no interest in putting others first at a cost to myself. It is a new day and I am making time for me and mine, everything else is icing.