Tag: conversation

Be Careful of Your Words

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Last week I shared that as a child I would read inspirational messages posted by a local party center as we drove home from school each day. I was fascinated by the philosophical posts, my favorite was from Lau Tzu a mystic philosopher of ancient China, best known as the author of the Tao Te Ching (The Way and Its Power), published in the 3rd century. The excerpt is below:

Watch your thoughts, they become your words.

Watch your words, they become your actions.

Watch your actions, they become your habits.

Watch your habits, they become your character.

Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

Last week we unpacked, “Be careful of your thoughts,” which you can read here. 

Today I’d like to talk more about being careful of our words. How we say our words has a direct correlation to how we feel and in turn how we treat others. However there are some ways of speaking that destroy connection rather than build it. Being careful of our words, to me, means being intentional in what we say, speaking our truth from our hearts. 

To speak our truth honestly and freely we must also remove some of our weaker conversational tools that no longer serve us. There are two tactics that I strive to limit in my own conversations and I would encourage you to do the same. I’ve expanded on these below:

Sarcasm – There’s a reason sarcasm translates so poorly between languages. At best it can be confusing at its worst it is cruel. For some of us sarcasm is a security blanket a turn of phrase that gets a cheap and quick laugh. Many of us have learned to use sarcasm to distract or deflect attention from ourselves. But when we are using our words to cut down another person or idea – we are causing harm. 

Backhanded compliments and comments – these statements leave just enough room for interpretation. They are not kind or considerate but rather hurtful. These turns of phrase are passive aggressive sarcasm. These are phrases or statements that hurt and harm with kindness – comments like, “You always look lovely in that dress. I see why you wear it all the time.” This is not a compliment, this is a way of taking someone down. These comments sting and much like sarcasm they are designed to hurt.

These are statements are personal and they cut deep. If you are a person who uses backhanded compliments in regular conversation I would encourage you to stop. You are doing harm to the people you love – your family, friends. If you have an issue with someone in your circle it is far better to talk with them directly than it is to kill them with a thousand verbal lashes – because when it is your words that you use to hurt when you ask for forgiveness no one will believe you mean it sincerely.

Using our words seems to be a lost art, the ability to exchange witty banter or turns of phrase that leave others laughing without hurting is a delicate dance. And every so often we do loose our cool, we slip up and say an unkind thing. When that happens it is important to immediately call out your misstep and honestly share your feelings with the other party. 

If someone’s words are hurting you, let them know that you do not appreciate their unkindness. Hopefully, this is a simple social faux pas but if it becomes a larger pattern it is completely understandable and necessary for you to distance yourself from the guilty party until they can learn to communicate kindly. 

If you are someone who uses sarcasm or backhanded comments to communicate, it may be time to reconsider your approach and find a better way to express yourself. Meanness is not a good look and finding a way to share how you feel without hiding behind barbs will only serve you well in the future. You will be giving yourself, and those you love, the gift of honest and open communication. You will be giving the gift of greater intimacy and understanding because your friends and family will know that they are safe in your company. You will find far deeper connections with the people you love, now that they no longer have to hide from your harsh words. I wish you a lifetime of love and connection – use and choose your words wisely. Your words reflect not only how you see the world but impact how the world sees you.

Have you ever used sarcasm or backhanded comments to make a point? Do you use them for laughs? Or would you rather not?

Communicating with Authenticity

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One of my resolutions in 2021 was to live with more presence and authenticity, to engage people from where I am and not from a place of insincerity or disingenuousness. 

The first piece is for me to be settled and grounded in who I am and what I am about. This in itself is a challenge as it forces me to slow down, reflect, and honestly consider my personal truth and how I want to show up in the world. I have found that showing up consistently with an open heart is a challenge but it gets easier with practice.

This arrival of myself as my whole self to conversations, meetings, and calls has led to shift in my own perspective. Instead of the performative me showing up, the one that wants to make you laugh, wants you to like me and is willing to compromise right from the beginning in order to make a new friend or please you has faded to the background. Instead when I arrive, I am already full, I know who I am and what I am about and a new question rises to the surface, the question is do I like you? What are you bringing to the table?

Where before I was consumed with how I was perceived I am now stepping into the role of a conscious observer. I am aware of how you are performing and what is being said, the tones and authenticity that others are bringing to our interactions. 

It’s cringe-y when someone does not present their whole self or when I can tell that the person on the other side of the call is being fake or just saying what they want me to hear not what they truly mean. Other times I might not have noticed this but now, now that I am looking at you to see you and not looking at others to see a positive reflection of myself, it comes to my attention. 

I am truly grateful to those with the bravery to show up as themselves with sincerity to conversations. I am disappointed when I am part of a conversation that feels contrived and false but I also can appreciate that not everyone feels comfortable or safe being their authentic selves at work or in the world. I’m grateful that I have taken up this practice. It has already taught me so much and revealed more than I knew I was missing. Like cracking an egg, I’m just now getting to the rich and beautiful insides of connection and communication, what a gift!

Making Space for Connection

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I caught up with a friend today, or rather we both spoke in half sentences as he answered work emails and I shared what was happening in my life in vague platitudes. To be honest, it wasn’t a great moment for connection or conversation. It was a great moment to remember that sharing these experiences side by side is a different type of relating. 

We were not coming together to better understand one another or even to provide insight, we simply missed one another and wanted to share the comfort of having a dear friend by our side, even as we each went about our separate lives.

It felt good to simply co-exist with a trusted friend. In that conversation we each gave the level of focus that we were equipped to give and mutually respected each other’s boundaries. Many of us are already operating at max-capacity so carrying the burden of another person’s troubles may be too much. So too can the emotional investment of re-hashing our own challenges feel overwhelming. But there is comfort to be found in the simple sharing of a moment with a friend. 

It was like doing homework at the same table again, familiar, comfortable, and easy. There was no pretense and no effort made to impress or guide the conversation toward some goal or purpose – we were together and that was enough.

He had to wrap the call early in order to handle a work emergency. I was grateful as I needed to empty a gallon of pond water from my toddlers boots and redirect him to the tub. We both knew that each of us was giving full attention to the priorities of the day but also making space to share our day with each other.

More than anything this conversation made me proud of us. Proud that we have such a sturdy relationship that is not based on this moment, or this one conversation. It is a dance we’ve been doing for nearly 20 years – nurturing one another and our relationship through countless ups and downs. Trusting that when the time comes for us to support one another we will arrive with hearts open and be there for each other.

I am also grateful that we make a point to take the call and catch up, even if the interaction is brief. It is wonderful to be fully present and focused on the situation you are in and the person you are with, of course. But that isn’t always reality, reality is sometimes managing chaos while juggling responsibilities. Much of life has slowed down due to COVID, however it has also sapped our emotional energy. Sharing what we have to give with the people we love is always a gift and it is something I am truly grateful for today. Sometimes just going through life together is enough.