Running Forward Toward Fear

I have been cruising forward toward goals and accomplishments. Pushing myself to complete tasks that have long been on my list but that I have yet to organize and arrange. These are big long term goals and my momentum has been building but I was feeling a bit rushed, even though I’m prepared to step forward I found myself feeling a like if I kept moving at that pace that energy would devolve from momentum into overwhelm. 

I have started reading Brenee Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart, and in it she describes a difference between anticipation and anxiety. There is a distinction between our awareness that we have a lot to accomplish and the belief that we can accomplish all we want or have the necessary bandwidth to give to the project. We devolve into overwhelm when we are presented with a variety of opportunities but we do not feel that we are able to bring the appropriate energy or skills to their accomplishment. On weeks when my agenda is full I get into that overwhelm zone but I’ve never deliberately channeled my energy to get out of it – I didn’t know I could!

Therefore, for the first time today I took notice that I was feeling a little off kilter. I intentionally reigned in that energy so that I could locate my center of gravity, find where I am comfortable and process from a place of strength. This is totally new for me. Usually once I start tottering there needs to be a meltdown or freak-out before I find my way back to calm. But today I recognized that I was flying, feeling fast and loose and not in a good way. I felt those feelings and instead of being paralyzed by them or flinging myself even further into that unwieldy energy I stepped back. I did a meditation on being grounded and centered.

I will still pursue my goals and I remain intimidated by them – I love the quote that if your dreams don’t scare you, you’re not dreaming big enough. And right now the goals I am pursuing are scary for me. I’m hoping to grow this blog and this site – I want to create the community, sites, and works that we all deserve to enjoy. I want this site to be a welcoming home and a place where you can come to sit down with a cup of tea and rest, feel nourished, and centered before you return to whatever amazing things you do in the world. In order to give all of us this gift I am stepping out of my comfort zone – I don’t know a lot about website design, or starting a business, but I do know how to write and so I am writing out my fear. Because it is real fear – fear of failure or of making the wrong choice and wasting time and money. It is fear of doing things incorrectly. It is fear of judgement and letting people down and those are big scary things.

They are also very exciting things because what if it all works out and I am able to create the site we deserve. What if I am able to reach a wider audience of like-minded people. People who need my work as much as I need them to read it. What if we are on the cusp of building something truly transformational together and if I don’t step forward something that could have changed the world could be missing. And so in spite of my fear I am letting it ride shot-gun. I do not forget my fear or my caution but I don’t let them hold me back. I am letting them inspire me to choose wisely and do my best. I am using that fear to help me create an even better site and space than I imagine now. I am using that fear to keep me accountable and hold myself to the highest standard. 

I am also remembering that failures are not losses they are opportunities to recalibrate and realign. Failures are lessons in how to do it better. Failures are gifts that we can choose to learn from and grow with added wisdom and experience. It is humbling and it may be humiliating but it is a step in the right direction and I intend to take it. I intend to try and hopefully I will be able to give us all a space to grow together, learn from one another, and blossom into the fullest and most authentic versions of ourselves that we can possibly be together. I’ve got you. I’m getting to work.

The Gifts of 2020

None of us has gone untouched by the challenges of 2020, the daily winnowing away of routines, habits, and traditions seems to have only prepared us for greater losses. The beginning felt like a reprieve as all who could delighted in new work-from-home schedules and mandated vacations from the regular routines we had all grown weary of performing. All of our rituals were altered and perhaps at first, at least for me, it felt like a generous unburdening. A relief from birthday parties, practices, and meetings. Having a reason not to attend was a gift.

Of course the balance to this was the new sensation of impending doom and fear that began to encroach on the periphery of my reality. But these things felt minor, so far away from the material shifts happening in my daily life that they stayed on the edges of my awareness. Yet, as I recreated normalcy and cobbled a routine into the new life that COVID pressed upon us all that fear edged its way ever closer to my camp fire, ever nearer to the heart of my home, family, and personal life. But even as this specter stalked us in our waking nightmares it brought with it gifts and new opportunities that before its arrival none of us could imagine. 

This sounds a bit like a fairy tale, a little scary but etched with hope and golden strands of magic woven into each image. And in a way it is, for me at least. Recently I have taken time to consider what gifts 2020 has brought to me and found my list quite long. And therefore, I have decided to break up these unexpected gifts into several posts. I cannot forge into 2021 without the tools that 2020 gave me, it would be foolish to leave behind the skills we have in order to search for those we desire. And therefore as we enter 2021 it will be with strength and endurance forged in the fire of 2020 – there is no hotter kiln and there are no weak warriors. And just as I am grateful for the education and experience that brought me to where I am in life, I am grateful for all I have learned and gained in 2020. There is much I did not know that I needed but now realize it leaves me prepared to forge ahead into the unknown with confidence and courage.

What gifts of 2020 do you most value? What sacrifices have impacted you most?