Tag: Emotions

Remember to Ask for Help

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In a crisis, I usually handle things. I’m an expert at putting off the emotional part of a situation in order to make quick, decisive choices. I do well in this role but it is not sustainable. Making difficult decisions with authority is a skill I have honed throughout my life. However, that which makes me a quick first call also works in reverse when the trauma is my own.

When my brother passed away unexpectedly in our late twenties I was devastated and shut down. I took a month off of work, posted a note to facebook with information regarding his services and I handed my phone to my partner. I couldn’t take in any more information, I was overwhelmed. It turns out those things were all important choices. Even in chaos, I managed to do what I needed most – remember to ask for help.

Go where you are safe

The best thing I did for myself was knowing that I needed support.  I went to my Grandmother’s house where I stayed… for a month. I needed family and I needed support. Surrounded by people I love and the nurturing that I needed most gave me space to recover. Reaching out to include others in my situation, opened the door to love and connection. This allowed others to be of service and to help – that is a gift.

Share what you can

I posted the information to social media. This communicated  all the relevant information to extended friends and family without my needing to be, “on,” or the resource for information. Simply click and follow, the tools were in everyone’s hands. They knew where I was going to be and had the opportunity to engage as much or as little as they wanted or were able.

Be present in the moment

I took in less and less information. Absorbing less allowed me to process what was happening in the present. I was in the moment and moving forward one step at a time. The loss was unbearable and yet I was fully present and engaged in the experience of living.

While I don’t wish trauma or pain on anyone else. I do know that we all have our burdens and challenges to face. When we face obstacles it is imperative to take care of ourselves by letting others support us and help us to carry our load. This allows us to share not only our pain but also, our joy. Being engaged with our community is what will sustain us in our darkest hours. Help others to help you by remembering these three simple steps to feeling supported and sustained – whatever your challenges may be. 

Remember to ask for help. If you are experiencing grief there are many tools out there, including professional help and guidance to help you process your loss.

Emotional Guideposts

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In difficult situations I sometimes find myself experiencing deja vu. It is as if the universe brings an old lesson to me to see if I am paying attention. It seems like there are lessons that I am learning again and again and the universe is just checking to see how far I’ve come on it. It’s not easy to recognize our patterns but as we age we can sometimes see the themes repeating themselves. Each time we have the opportunity to change the ending ever so slightly for the better.

You might notice this too – how situations in our lives repeat themselves. I’ve heard it said that even in relationships that fall apart, oftentimes we rush back to that same point with a new partner. We’re with someone new and yet having those same conflicts all over again. This happens in all our lives. Our job is to learn from those situations so that we may move forward. Instead of repeating the same cycle again and again.

This can be easier said than done. To help myself I’ve started using my emotions as guideposts. I do this by feeling my emotions while also being attentive to what they’re telling me. Especially really strong emotions like anger, fear, or any derivative of those two. When I feel these super strong emotions they are indicators that my boundaries have not been respected, or that I feel particularly unsafe or insecure. The emotional guideposts are messages and our job is to pay attention and figure out what it is they are telling us. Our emotions are there for a reason.

Recently a familiar lesson has come around again for me. It is frustration at a perceived lack of control – my inclination is always to take over and be in charge. Pick me and I can do it, oldest child reporting for duty. But instead of having the power to fix the situation I find myself confronted with obstacles. There are obstinate conflicts and other people in the way. In fact, they are the owners of the situation and my role is to step back and let them. 

It’s a tricky lesson to learn. As many of you already know, letting people manage their own situations is a challenge. It’s easy to get drawn in – but the lesson is that this is not my situation to fix. I am only here to do my work, not anyone else’s. Period.

This realization usually comes after a lot of emotional investment or self-righteous anger – both signals that we want to recognize. This time I noticed my emotional guideposts. What’s even better was when I recognized the situation I knew what to do, I needed to step back and realign. Oprah says she recognizes these situations by saying, “I see you God!” And I think that perspective is so refreshing. That’s the message – these situations and our emotional guideposts are not here for us to stumble. They are here to help us on our path. If we are overly invested and involved in everyone else’s drama, problems, or challenges we are certainly NOT focused on our own journeys. 

There’s a Polish proverb, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” Whenever I feel the temptation to involve myself in a project or situation that is not mine I remind myself to step back. The phrase makes me laugh and helps me to clearly define my role. I’m not here to manage the world. I am only here to manage myself and learn all that I can about myself and what it means to be me.

How do you remind yourself to stay in your own lane? What lessons do you find the universe bringing into your life over and over again? How have you changed your own patterns for the better?