Tag: friends

Living with Intention, Not just Urgency

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Have you ever noticed how we take our joys and transform them into obligations? We get tangled up in expectations and plans. Failing to let our lives blossom or unfold naturally. We have a dinner party tonight. It’s a wonderful opportunity to celebrate. But all day I have been thinking about my hair, what to wear, and if I have the right shoes. None of it matters. I am excited but also caught up in the details. I am not living with intention, I am living with urgency.

We have spent so little time out of our homes the past couple years that any event takes on new meaning. I’ve been talking a lot about the intentional use of our time and a realization is striking home. When we limit the amount of time we spend with those we love, intentionally or unintentionally, it leaves us with less time together. We may only have a handful of visits left and that feels too little. The realization also has me reflecting on living with intention, not just urgency. I have no interest in approaching gatherings with urgency – a rush to cram every interaction with deeper meaning or as many people as possible. But instead to focus on intentionality, being fully present and engaged with those we do spend time. Isn’t that how we should always approach time with our loved ones?

My aunt passed away several years ago due to early onset of alzheimer’s. She was not herself much of the time save a few moments during every visit she was my godmother. Twice a week I made a point to drive the half hour to the care facility in which she was living to spend quality time with her. We would do crafts when she was able. In the winter I would bring in a cookie sheet of snow to play with in her room. We made memories and laughed. My aunt would make propeller sounds and my daughter would fly the plane (her medical bed) to far off locales – Paris, New York, Egypt, and sometimes they made the trip. Other times they had to land early for repairs. They laughed and I laughed and recorded their exchanges. It was pure magic. 

It was the magic of being present, of sharing a sacred moment, and of knowing that all we truly have is now. Intentionality is telling our loved ones, “I love you.” Calling an elderly relative to remind them that they are important to you. Making the time for family get togethers and wearing whatever you want. Because the point isn’t what you wear, the point is that you showed up. 

How to Have a Happier Life

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Usually I write about the keys to bringing our best selves to our lives. One of the tools I don’t talk about as much but want to address now is relationships and how they help us to have a happier life. I recently watched this TED talk on the impact our relationships have on our lives. Research shows the highest indicator of our happiness throughout our lives is not whether we achieve fame, wealth, or renown. It is not if we are productive or compete well. In fact the highest indicator of wellness and longevity is the health of our relationships. 

As someone who loves her alone time I want to focus on this point. Because taking care of myself with exercise, creativity, meditation, etc. will enhance my wellbeing but it will not determine the duration or the quality of my life. The research shows that good relationships keep us happier and healthier.

Wow, that’s a lot. As someone who curates her relationships, I want this to sink in not just for you but for me too. Having relationships with people we know we can depend upon actually enables us to live longer, healthier lives. And not only that – it decreases the pain we will feel when we do face health issues. Less physical pain – due simply to having dependable family, friends, and relationships with others! And how do we do that? How do we make friends? What if we live in a new place? Or are not familiar with our community? 

Family

Here’s what I know. We recently relocated to a new home – which I talk more about here. We moved to a location much closer to family. We now live in this town with my family super close and it has been one of the best choices we have made. We wave when we drive by each other. We have guaranteed help whenever we make too much spaghetti or have more desserts than any one family can consume. And more than that, family makes this new place feel like home.

Friends

I have found getting involved in the things that interest you help you find your people. For example, I attended a free writing course at the library and ran into an acquaintance. We’re now attending a writing conference together. I even gave a recommendation for her in a job interview. I don’t know that if I needed a kidney she’d be my girl but I sure know that when there’s a writing program, she’s going to make sure I know about it! These small things make a difference in helping all of us feel supported. 

Community

If you want to get involved in your local community I would recommend joining your community and neighborhood facebook groups, attend the block party, even if you only stop by for a short visit. It really is lovely to see a friend you met briefly on the drive home. Even if you don’t like the pressure of a large event you can always attend your community’s annual parades, fireworks displays, home and garden tours, or street market. These are fun, low pressure, ways you can see and meet the people who live around you out and about. 

The larger community can sometimes feel daunting. And the thing is if this isn’t for you it’s ok to stick with a small group. We don’t need a ton of friends we just need a few real ones.

Building relationships really makes a difference in our quality of life. I hope these ideas enrich your life too – and helps all of us all to live a little longer, a little happier, and with less pain and suffering. Sending you lots of love and my deepest thanks because this little community is one of the places where I feel deep joy to be surrounded by loving and likeminded people. So thank you – M.

I am always after ideas and strategies for how to live a happier life. Drop a note in the comments if you have some tips and ideas for creating community and building deeper relationships. 

How to Carry Less Baggage

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I surprised myself today. My plan was to organize my lists and dreams into a small pile that I might take it with me to Florida for a retreat with my college friends. We are planning lots of time to talk and have fun together. But also time to ourselves to plan, write, and strategize our next professional moves. I am looking forward to learning from these women. There is so much they bring to the table and I can’t wait to absorb all that I can from them and their experiences. 

My surprise came when I thought I had streamlined my pages of inspiration. Whenever I find inspiring images or ideas in a magazine I take them with me. Cutting and pasting ideas into a journal. Throughout the year I collect images and words that move me and when I feel inspired I cut them out. The plan was to bring these momentos with me to add to the conversation and my personal reflection.

The small pile of cutouts and plans is ONLY organized once, maybe twice annually. So when I tried to pull these scraps of paper together, the notebooks, and magazines quickly and easily filled my carry on. As I looked down at all of the ideas I made the executive decision to leave everything at home. I will build the new rather than repair the old. Today I will carry less baggage. These meaningful pieces that I have saved will be there in December when I’m ready to go through them. Until then, I am freeing myself of the obligation to carry them with me.

I find that this process can be helpful when I’m envisioning my future, to have pictures, words, or ideas that I wan tot remember. It can also be a burden, when we feel obligated or overcome by the sheer volume of exciting opportunities we might wish to partake in. It is cathartic to release yourself from responsibility. You don’t have to carry all of these things forward with you. For me these items only have value as long as they are serving my growth and happiness. If they become a distraction from the enjoyment of my life, they simply have to go.

Even though I was ready to dive deep into inspiration on this trip. I realize this process is a personal one. It is not done while chatting over hot beverages. Crafting my future is done in sanctuary. For me the sacred in between time of Christmas and New Years. Rather than be worried about this I accept it. I need to carry less baggage. I unpacked the paper scraps and filled my carryon with swimsuits, beach cover-ups, and sandals. We’re going to talk about big ideas – my inspiration will only grow – and what I need is less baggage when I come to the conversation.

How do you release yourself from feelings of obligation? Do you hold onto ideas that inspire you? How do you carry less baggage?

Honest Critique

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In every conversation there is an opportunity for change. Our friends help us transform through their perspectives. People we admire demonstrate how we may polish and improve ourselves through their example. Another great tool of friendship is constructive criticism. It’s part of healthy sharing that fills a mutually respectful bond. However, there are times when the universe, or other people, may use criticism for harm. This can look like offering unsolicited opinions, treating another person as less than yourself, or ignoring your shared humanity. When this happens what is most important is how you choose to respond. Here are some simple steps to help you interpret and evaluate constructive criticism.

Consider the Source

I make a point to never accept criticism from someone I would not go to for advice. If you would not go to them for guidance, do not accept their criticism. It is irrelevant and invalid. Move on.

Consider the Context

If you were asking for critique from someone you respect and they offer constructive criticism you may choose to accept it. However, if the comment is unprompted, uninvited, or unwelcome – Move on.

Consider the Intent

If a critique is from a source you respect and was invited, consider if it is within the context of care. If a comment is given in love you may choose to let it change your perspective and your heart. In this way you may grow and learn to be the best version of yourself possible. If a comment is not offered in love, and let us remember that even those we love may offer criticism from a place of defense or fear, do not accept it. Move on.

Sit with It

If a comment checks the first three boxes and you feel ready to accept and consider the critique sit with it. Let yourself feel your feelings. Consider if you agree or if there’s something you have missed and determine how you want to proceed. Discern if there is a problem you could fix. Is there a strategy you might apply in the future to do things differently?

Apologize if Necessary

If an apology is required, offer it. Bearing in mind that apologies include not only a promise, “not to do it again,” but also a commitment, “this is how I will behave differently in the future.” It is also important to share, “I am taking X steps to improve.” We don’t need to bear the burden of every comment or judgement sent our way. How exhausting and what a waste of time and energy!

It is a lot of responsibility to ask for for conscientious criticism. However, trusting someone to tell us when we need to modify our behavior or feel we may have been in the wrong is a big responsibility. Using the guideposts above should help us to move forward more authentically and with healthy boundaries. We do well by ourselves, and our relationships, to consider the simple points above to help us move forward on our own path, toward our own goals and grounded in our personal truths. 

“What’s the point in having a mind if you never change it?” Allowing ourselves to be molded and shaped by the people we love can help us all become better people. When has someone else’s critique helped you to improve or grow?

Looking for Flowers: Staying Out of a Negative Mindset

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Have you ever noticed how when you’re in a bad mood the world seems out to get you? Or the inverse, when you are feeling great the world is also full of joy? Today I am thinking about self-compassion and how important it is that we take care of ourselves first so that we can come to the world with a positive mindset.

An old story comes to mind. 

A weary traveller came to the gates of a new city and asked the gatekeeper, “What kind of city is this? The last city I left was full of thieves and evil people.” 

The gate keeper answered, “We have those kinds of people here too.” 

The traveller moved on not wanting to stay one more minute in such a terrible place. 

Later that day another traveller came to the gates and asked the gatekeeper, “What kind of city is this? The last city I left was full of creative and interesting people, everyone was kind and I left many friends.” 

The gatekeeper answered, “You’ll find people like that here too.” And the traveller entered the city.

The gatekeeper did not lie to either traveller – there were both kinds of people in her city. But the wisdom is in recognizing that that which we look for we will find. The first traveller sought only to find the evil and darkness in others and would likely find it. The second traveller saw only light and would likely find the same. 

Have you ever had a conversation with someone like the first traveller who is hurting so much they seem to have no choice but to fixate on the negative things that have happened to them? A friend once spent an entire day lamenting to me about the hurt her family had caused her, how their cruelty had poisoned their relationships, and how she was an innocent recipient of this pain. On the way out of a family event her father asked her to please wait as he had picked up dinner for her. In that moment it really struck me – was my friend truly being harmed and hurt by her family? Yes. Was it because of their careless disregard or intentional desire to cause her harm? No. She was simply choosing to observe and remember those situations when they had disappointed her. She was looking for their faults and not their kindnesses and like the first traveller, she found it.

My friend’s inability to accept love was causing her pain. We remember pain longer than ease because in our primitive history it has been the avoidance of pain that contributes most greatly to our survival. For example, if we remember caves may be mountain lion dens we will not be eaten. On the opposite end, if we find a field of flowers it may be beautiful but if it does not lead us to find honey or food our primitive brains forget as it is not imminent to our survival. This survival tactic worked well for our primitive selves and we can all be grateful to our ancestors for remembering every danger that kept them alive so that eventually we could exist. However, these are no longer primitive times. If all we remember is danger and pain, looking for mountain lions – we will miss all of the flowers.

We lead lives full of potential and possibility but when we focus intently on the negative we loose sight of the joy and love in our lives. Negativity may initially generate a response from others – attention, pity, or support. If a person continues to come to us with their negative story and we do not share their perspective – we see that person like the first traveller, better to let them move on than waste our time trying to introduce them to good people. The perspective of the traveller, is the travelers responsibility, not the gatekeepers.

It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves and love ourselves first. It may be difficult to shift your attention, to see someone else’s care for you. But with practice even that first traveller can learn to look for the good so that their toxicity does not spread into personal relationships and their life. In my friend’s case – her father was showing love and care to her – it’s her job to see and appreciate it. 

What makes this work most important is that if gone unchecked that negativity will consume you and every relationship we hold dear. We become the mountain lion, the dangerous predator consuming and destroying the love and connection the world offers us. Much like that first traveller, we walk alone and miss so many friendships and opportunities simply because we were not looking for the flowers.

How do you protect yourself form mountain lions? How do you make self-care a priority so that you don’t become a mountain lion yourself? 

Also, no mountain lions were harmed in the writing of this piece. This work is not based on any one mountain lion living or deceased, it is the authors attempt at metaphor. She has no animosity to the mountain lion community – please do not eat me. I just needed an animal that lives in caves and might, in a hypothetical situation consume a prehistoric cave invader.

Expansive Meditations: Choose Your Own Adventure

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This afternoon I was completely lost in my meditation. I awakened to a feeling of lightness, freedom, and expansiveness. I lay down with the impression that I would focus on the concept, “Nothing in Nature Blooms All Year,” or “Blooming where you are planted.” Instead I feel stretched wide open and eager to make plans. I feel as if I have an opportunity to see the wide world and try new things. I am feeling like growth personified. 

We are in the midst of planning several vacations and adventures. We are dreaming of what comes next for us and what we want to do in the future. I feel burst wide open with possibilities. I could hire a yoga instructor and coach to join my girlfriends for a day on our lady-retreat. I could begin making reservations for our family vacation to see a certain mouse. I could hire my friend to take my updated portraits for my professional profile. I am brimming with ideas and when I lay down to be still and absorb I felt as if I had a finite number of items on my list and that I wanted to accomplish. Now, I feel like there is so much inspiration pouring in from every direction. The shift comes from choosing my guided meditation intentionally.

I often get into a comfortable rut, listening to the same meditations day in and day out, hoping that I will maintain the lessons I am attempting to learn by reinforcing and repeating the ideas shared. This can be true, it can be wonderful to listen to the same meditations over time as they are a solid touchpoint that remind me to be still and to savor certain concepts. However, it is just as important to spice things up – to choose the guided meditation intentionally. This process can be as simple as scrolling. 

I like to choose a guided meditation from a collection I know and trust. I like Sarah Raymond’s voice from the Mindful Movement and truly feel comfortable with her as my guide. Therefore, I quickly eliminate the vast majority of guided meditations that are not hers. I also choose my meditations based on the amount of time I have to spend, if I have time for a longer meditation I enjoy it. But if I feel rushed or stressed it distracts from the experience and so I’m sure to choose a meditation that helps me to keep my schedule and absorb what I can in the allotted timeframe. Then I search and scroll based on the parameters I have already chosen – some days it is trust in myself, other days it is inspiration to start something new. There are so many options but I often find exactly the meditation that speaks to me. And when I feel like the meditation I use is directly linked to my frame of mind it feels even more impactful and effective. 

Today I came in small and left big. It is thrilling to feel so large and wide and free. Having the inspiration to meditate is an excellent first step – but enjoying the benefits, living the calm peace and joy that comes of feeling spiritually, emotionally, and mentally aligned is a priceless gift.

How does meditation make you feel? Do you choose the same guided meditations over and over or do you change it up? What guided meditations do you enjoy most? 

Abundance and Gratitude at Thanksgiving

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Today as we prepare for the coming Thanksgiving holiday and all the bounty of harvest, hearth, and home, I am reflecting on abundance. I am reflecting on the wealth and beauty that we have in our possession already. I am full. I know I often reflect on gratitude and this is the perfect week to remember all of those things and people that I am grateful to have an hold. I also want to hold still and absorb the abundance of joy and connection this time of year brings. 

Like many of our holidays since COVID-19 took hold nearly two years ago this year’s celebrations will be scaled back and shaped differently than years before. On Thanksgiving 2020 we took a totally different route to our celebrations. We usually gather with extended family and even borrow chairs from the local funeral home to accommodate the crowd that gathers at our long tables. Last year, instead of that annual gathering of cousins, family, friends, and long lost relatives we stayed home. We hosted no-one and celebrated our own small family gathering. It was gorgeous. I broke out the fine china, used a fresh cocktail recipe, and old traditional foods. Everything was smaller than usual, but it’s intimacy made the experience so much richer.

Because there were so few of us, we did not have the constant flow of conversation or people popping in and out, we prepared our meal, dressed for dinner, and when the days preparations were done in the blink of an eye we let the children bathe and put their jammies on early. We decorated the tree, we savored each  other’s company and when we toasted our health we truly meant it. Our time as a family took on a new sacredness under the light of our small hearth and the glow of Christmas lights. 

This year we have yet to determine how we will celebrate the day. Like many families, not everyone in our circle is vaccinated and while our children cannot yet be vaccinated we will not be gathering. Instead of seeing this as a disappointment, we are going to focus on our good fortune. How lucky are we that we have so many people in our lives with whom we wish to spend the day? How fortunate we are to have enough to food to share. We are truly blessed with health and love. We are surrounded by the spirits of those who have gone before us and by the love that fills each of our hearts when we are together as well as when we are apart. We are also fortunate to know and love so many people with so many perspectives. The diversity of our community is what makes us all stronger. 

I am grateful for all of these things and more. I am surrounded by wealth and abundance. It is my good fortune and joy that there is so much food, family, love, and light to share on these shorter and shorter days. There is nothing easy about this disease but it has given us a new perspective. It has given us back to the outdoors and spending time outside with friends. It has given us opportunities to deepen our connections with those friends and family that truly fill us up. And it has given us the time to draw comfort and consolation from the world by rekindling the love we build in our homes. How fortunate we all are and how grateful I am that this season is upon us and that we have such an abundance of blessings to celebrate together either virtually or just in our hearts. 

What are you looking forward to this holiday season? Are vaccinations making it easier or harder for you to gather with loved ones? What are you most grateful for this year?

Listening, the Dali Lama, and Learning to be a Better Friend

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Being a better friend often means we give our time and attention but we do not give our guidance. We are not advisors, we are a support group. We listen and let others come to their own natural conclusions. It means listening to someone’s shared dreams without giving directions as to how to get there. This is NOT easy! I am so good at answers and giving direction, I am not good at letting others lead or make their own mistakes.

I was reminded of this during a recent conversation with my neighbor. I offered solutions and strategies when I was only needed to lend a listening ear. Especially since the topic was the challenges of being a Black Indigenous Person of Color (BIPOC) in the professional world. In this conversation I bring nothing to the table other than my ability to listen, learn, and support. Spoiler: I did not do that.

I wanted so badly to help that I offered any intervention I could provide. I suggested solutions when my friend was coming to me to be heard. Expressing a desire for me to understand not for me to fix her problem. I knew this and yet in the moment I promptly forgot.

And I apologized afterward after I had a moment to reflect on our conversation and consider what part I wished to play. I wanted to be of service and help but the value I brought to the conversation was deep and attentive listening to my friend. Not offering what I a white woman would do in her situation – she knows what a white lady would do, and she also knows that solution would not work for her.

I needed to take a step back to remember that my value does not come from offering solutions or fixes to societal problems. I was meant to listen, to learn, and to better understand what these challenges are like for my friends of color. I was not being asked to solve this problem but to more intimately familiarize myself with the experiences that women of color face in the work place. 

Thinking about this conversation from the perspective of a BIPOC woman made me realize how patient and wonderful my friend was to share her story with me. It made me realize how challenging these conversations must be for BIPOC to have with people who are not of color. My attempts to “fix” or “solve,” created even more work for my friend as she had to hold her ground as I attempted to push her forward. 

I am learning more about myself and vulnerability this year. I am learning that I like to cross things off of my list and make them better if at all possible. I am also learning that the “better,” I seek is not always attained through my mental or physical labor. Many times my goal is obtained through my patience, my willingness to listen and be still, my ability to let my BIPOC friends lead the conversation and let me know what they need – before I jump in to assist. 

Obviously, this translates to every relationship, being attentive to ourselves and recognizing that oftentimes the best gift we can give to others is our silence. Digest the wisdom, take it all in, don’t even think about what you will say next. As the Dali Lama once said, “When you talk, you are only repeating what you know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” I plan to take advantage of this learning and listening much more going forward. I’m just grateful I have so many dear friends willing to walk this path beside me and share what they have learned on their own travels.

What are you re-learning or unlearning in order to be a better listener? Any tips you’d like to share on how to take a beat and be more present for each other?