Tag: growth

Follow Your Own Path

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I recently caught up with a friend and got to talking about her child. He decided to switch schools his junior year because he found that the big name, big city school he had chosen and where he thrived – this kiddo is outgoing and chock full of personality. But he found he didn’t feel comfortable there.  So he transferred to a smaller school in a more rural area, closer to home. He has one year of school left and I am incredibly proud of him and the parenting it took to get him to this place. 

Oftentimes we stay in a role – a job, a school, a community – that doesn’t fit us. Not because we love it so much but out of fear for what comes next. We fear leaping in case the net might not appear. And so we stay in situations that are not optimal simply because we are comfortable. Or maybe we’re not comfortable but we know what to expect where we are. Whereas making a change will make the demand on us to learn something new. 

New is scary and overwhelmingly people don’t like change. As Freddy Allen once said, “Everyone wants something different but nobody wants to change.” It’s scary when we aren’t sure what comes next. When we’re considering a big or dramatic change in our lives it’s important to nurture ourselves. Give yourself space, time, kindness. Don’t power through or push ahead if where you are is not the right place. Give yourself the grace to listen to your intuition and only go where it leads.

Trust yourself. Lean into what makes you happy and see what happens. You don’t have to uproot your life, sometimes serendipity does the work for you. Let the universe do it’s work, accept the blessings that come your way and follow where the path leads. Trust your joy. When you’re laughing and having fun, maybe that’s your sign that you’re doing the best thing for you.

There doesn’t always have to be a job offer or a transactional benefit. Sometimes goodness just falls into your lap and you’ve got to be there to catch it. Let your light shine and be your most authentic self. Authenticity is how you draw the wonderful people you want in your life closer to you. Trust the universe, let it take the lead and guide to to where it wants you to go. It’s ok to be the passenger sometimes. When it’s time to move over to the driver’s seat, you’ll know. When the time comes you’ll be ready.

Treating Each Day Like a Vacation Day

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Not every day can be vacation but I’ve noticed when I start the day with a relaxed mind-set – I’m happier. When a day is for work, the guiding principal seems to be, “utilize every moment for impactful activities and choices.” I enjoy the day a lot less. There is more joy in the day when we focus on meeting our own needs first.

When I begin the day focused on work I find myself rushing, begrudging the tasks that I complete. Stressing out because I can only complete so many unpleasant tasks in a day. Doing things simply for the result of getting them done I find myself begrudging every extra step. Since life is primarilymade up of a multitude of mundane moments this can get pretty overwhelming fast.

The day takes on a pleasant energy when I focus on what I like to do instead. On a “vacation day,” I am already only doing what I want. Doing what brings me joy. Some days it is simply letting myself read a book or popping out to a yoga class. It’s a small chocolate or another herbal tea. These are simple pleasures. Rather than making myself feel worse for choosing something I’d like to do I simply do it. I don’t rush myself, I don’t guilt myself and I refuse to pressure myself to do it quickly. Reading a few chapters of a good book is delightful. Allowing myself to rest before I burn out is impactful and powerful. Doing these activities puts me in a growth mindset rather than a stagnant one.

To be clear I am NOT doing these things in order to be more productive. But I do find it easier to complete unpleasant tasks when I am coming from a place of rest, comfort, ease and satisfaction. We feel good when our needs are being met. It is a pleasure to go through the day as if it were a vacation day. It gives a little breathing room and creates opportunities to treat ourselves well.

How to you organize your day? Do you force yourself to stay on task or do you allow your day to unfold more naturally?

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Building Mental Strength

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I have been thinking a lot lately about how the muscles we exercise are the muscles that we strengthen. When we focus on our arms or legs we first increase flexibility, endurance, and then begin to see gains. Increases in our ability to lift or move larger objects. The endurance to run longer distances without overexertion. The ability to work harder, longer, faster, etc. All of these capabilities that were not ours at the outset of our exercise become easier for us. This happens too with our mental strength and resilience.  

I’m realizing that as I observe and take in information that is primarily negative that these are the mental muscles I am choosing to exercise. When my perspective is of judgement, suspicion, or worst case scenario that is what will likely appear. As I look for the negative I will find it. Much as if I look for the positive I would find evidence of that. The choice is ours of what perspective we decide to bring to our interactions. Am I looking for help, hope, and optimism? OR am I looking for judgement, hurt, and negativity? 

When we fixate on the negative or worst case scenario those are the thought patterns we encourage to grow. This happens easily when we fixate on negative news, or patterns. However, we can give ourselves grace as the pursuit of any goal takes time. As we work toward any goal – writing a book, painting, or yoga – we give our attention to that goal. The more time and energy we devote the better we get at that activity. As we focus our attention we learn more. Testing theories and learning from our mistakes.

The mental muscles and the patterns that I want to strengthen are those focused on drawing joy, hope, generosity, light and love into my life. I do that by being attentive to those patterns. By shifting my focus from, “What is wrong with this picture,” to “What is going right here?” Or better yet, “How can I improve this picture?” 

With a renewed and optimistic perspective I am striving to make a positive impact not just in my own life but also in the world. This mental strength shift requires intention and attention. It also requires that I do the work of looking for the good in others, in myself, and in the world. It means that my mental strengths need to shift from judgment to support and aid. With time we will start to see the good things first in one another and ourselves.

Let’s try a new mental workout routine to shift our perspectives from disengaged boredom to being the change we wish to see in the world. I hope you will join me.

Emotional Guideposts

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In difficult situations I sometimes find myself experiencing deja vu. It is as if the universe brings an old lesson to me to see if I am paying attention. It seems like there are lessons that I am learning again and again and the universe is just checking to see how far I’ve come on it. It’s not easy to recognize our patterns but as we age we can sometimes see the themes repeating themselves. Each time we have the opportunity to change the ending ever so slightly for the better.

You might notice this too – how situations in our lives repeat themselves. I’ve heard it said that even in relationships that fall apart, oftentimes we rush back to that same point with a new partner. We’re with someone new and yet having those same conflicts all over again. This happens in all our lives. Our job is to learn from those situations so that we may move forward. Instead of repeating the same cycle again and again.

This can be easier said than done. To help myself I’ve started using my emotions as guideposts. I do this by feeling my emotions while also being attentive to what they’re telling me. Especially really strong emotions like anger, fear, or any derivative of those two. When I feel these super strong emotions they are indicators that my boundaries have not been respected, or that I feel particularly unsafe or insecure. The emotional guideposts are messages and our job is to pay attention and figure out what it is they are telling us. Our emotions are there for a reason.

Recently a familiar lesson has come around again for me. It is frustration at a perceived lack of control – my inclination is always to take over and be in charge. Pick me and I can do it, oldest child reporting for duty. But instead of having the power to fix the situation I find myself confronted with obstacles. There are obstinate conflicts and other people in the way. In fact, they are the owners of the situation and my role is to step back and let them. 

It’s a tricky lesson to learn. As many of you already know, letting people manage their own situations is a challenge. It’s easy to get drawn in – but the lesson is that this is not my situation to fix. I am only here to do my work, not anyone else’s. Period.

This realization usually comes after a lot of emotional investment or self-righteous anger – both signals that we want to recognize. This time I noticed my emotional guideposts. What’s even better was when I recognized the situation I knew what to do, I needed to step back and realign. Oprah says she recognizes these situations by saying, “I see you God!” And I think that perspective is so refreshing. That’s the message – these situations and our emotional guideposts are not here for us to stumble. They are here to help us on our path. If we are overly invested and involved in everyone else’s drama, problems, or challenges we are certainly NOT focused on our own journeys. 

There’s a Polish proverb, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” Whenever I feel the temptation to involve myself in a project or situation that is not mine I remind myself to step back. The phrase makes me laugh and helps me to clearly define my role. I’m not here to manage the world. I am only here to manage myself and learn all that I can about myself and what it means to be me.

How do you remind yourself to stay in your own lane? What lessons do you find the universe bringing into your life over and over again? How have you changed your own patterns for the better?

Honest Critique

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In every conversation there is an opportunity for change. Our friends help us transform through their perspectives. People we admire demonstrate how we may polish and improve ourselves through their example. Another great tool of friendship is constructive criticism. It’s part of healthy sharing that fills a mutually respectful bond. However, there are times when the universe, or other people, may use criticism for harm. This can look like offering unsolicited opinions, treating another person as less than yourself, or ignoring your shared humanity. When this happens what is most important is how you choose to respond. Here are some simple steps to help you interpret and evaluate constructive criticism.

Consider the Source

I make a point to never accept criticism from someone I would not go to for advice. If you would not go to them for guidance, do not accept their criticism. It is irrelevant and invalid. Move on.

Consider the Context

If you were asking for critique from someone you respect and they offer constructive criticism you may choose to accept it. However, if the comment is unprompted, uninvited, or unwelcome – Move on.

Consider the Intent

If a critique is from a source you respect and was invited, consider if it is within the context of care. If a comment is given in love you may choose to let it change your perspective and your heart. In this way you may grow and learn to be the best version of yourself possible. If a comment is not offered in love, and let us remember that even those we love may offer criticism from a place of defense or fear, do not accept it. Move on.

Sit with It

If a comment checks the first three boxes and you feel ready to accept and consider the critique sit with it. Let yourself feel your feelings. Consider if you agree or if there’s something you have missed and determine how you want to proceed. Discern if there is a problem you could fix. Is there a strategy you might apply in the future to do things differently?

Apologize if Necessary

If an apology is required, offer it. Bearing in mind that apologies include not only a promise, “not to do it again,” but also a commitment, “this is how I will behave differently in the future.” It is also important to share, “I am taking X steps to improve.” We don’t need to bear the burden of every comment or judgement sent our way. How exhausting and what a waste of time and energy!

It is a lot of responsibility to ask for for conscientious criticism. However, trusting someone to tell us when we need to modify our behavior or feel we may have been in the wrong is a big responsibility. Using the guideposts above should help us to move forward more authentically and with healthy boundaries. We do well by ourselves, and our relationships, to consider the simple points above to help us move forward on our own path, toward our own goals and grounded in our personal truths. 

“What’s the point in having a mind if you never change it?” Allowing ourselves to be molded and shaped by the people we love can help us all become better people. When has someone else’s critique helped you to improve or grow?

5 Steps to Generate Momentum in Your Creativity

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As I clear out space and complete tasks that have long been on my list it sometimes feels like trying to drink from a firehose. There are so many projects that I have long awaited making progress on that I am now feeling as if a dam has burst and it flowing fast and furiously. As I feel myself taking steps toward accomplishing my goals I am also trying not to get ahead of myself or rush. 

It’s a balancing act to both pursue my goals but also to take my time. I remind myself not to expect everything to be finished right away. Lunch and showers and the regular activities of life still need to happen every day. Therefore, instead of feeling disappointed that I have not done, “more,” I am going to stay in the joyful space of gratitude. I am grateful to myself for all I have done over the last several days. Rather than feel disappointed that I did not do more I am going to feel grateful for my patience and will hold myself in gratitude as I continue to move forward. 

Humility + Gratitude

Life has a way of humbling us when we rush too quickly or stay still. Staying in gratitude is one way to counteract the arrogance that can arise when we feel particularly proud of ourselves. Gratitude also prevents us from standing still. When we have so much to be grateful for we want to share that gift.

When I am not in gratitude I freeze – unsure of what to do next. I feel frustrated when I can’t decide where to begin. I “strategize,” which is another way of saying overthinking my every move. It has been incredibly freeing to simply take small steps forward. Lately I have been able to do just that. It is elevating my mood and my disposition. It’s an interesting shift from the obstructive and frozen place I was in before this watershed moment.

Small Steps Create Momentum

As I make gentle progress I am also striving to stay grounded. I know that I can do many things but I cannot do all things. I will move ahead but I will never be, “done.” I may step forward and then need to recalibrate to decide what comes next and that is all ok. Patience is appropriate and necessary to my progress and my growth. 

Affirmations

When I am shifting away from overthinking it helps to state some clear affirmations. These reminders help me to focus and realign. Here are some of the mantras I use to ground myself: I am doing the work I was put upon this planet to complete. I am following my intuition and being attentive to my own desires, wants and needs. I am sitting in the sun rather than watching it trace a  path across the floor. I am showing up for myself and for my own life. I am doing what I was destined and designed to do. I am allowing the Creator to express their creativity through me. I am making myself an instrument for even greater creativity and to allow the energy that inspires me to flow through me and my work so that someone else may feel and experience the sensations I am feeling right now. 

Sharing to Complete the Cycle

It is uplifting and humbling at the same time to know that my showing up and allowing myself to follow my path is only part of my work’s journey. I am creating art, organizing words, and allowing this sacred and universal energy to flow through me. And this energy will move through me and my work to inspire others – like you dear reader. 

This is just the beginning, or perhaps even the middle, as I have been inspired by countless artists and visionaries. It’s hard to say where this creative force began. Perhaps it is more like a circle, it never begins or ends but keeps going. Creativity is a self-fulfilling journey of shared and complicit co-creation throughout the universe and throughout all time. How wonderful to be a tiny piece of this universal journey. It is a gift to be a piece of the ever changing landscape of creativity. It feels so simple and simultaneously transformative. It is an incredible honor to be fulfilling my purpose in this way. 

Have you ever felt so deeply connected to universal energy and to what your true purpose is in life? Isn’t it awesome? I am humbled and deeply touched to be a part of this creative cycle. This cyclone of creation and creativity. Thank you for reading and for sharing this creative journey with me.

Shift Your Perspective on Limitless Resources

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This morning as I wrote my morning pages my world just split open with a new idea. The idea itself isn’t new but the concept is a fresh one and I’d love to share it with you. What if, like undressing at the end of a long day, we took off all of our obligations. What if we simply stepped out of our roles – even the prospect blew my hair back. The thought left me feeling expansive, lighter, free. So let me walk you through the process. 

Imagine what life might be like if you removed all of the responsibilities and obligations you have for caring for others, including yourself. What if you took a break from the roles you hold? How much space and time might that open up for you. What might you do with that expansiveness?

Let’s start with taking off our roles – imagine you had staff to manage your household. Someone to clean, cook, and manage your home. No need to discuss landscaping or grocery shop, no need to tidy or fold or dust. All of these duties are no longer yours. 

Imagine you had a caregiver to manage the needs of your family. Someone who juggled school schedules, uniforms and dress codes, field trip permission forms, pick up and drop off. Someone who shuttled your children to their various engagements, practices and lessons. You still get to be their parent who loves and supports them but the rest is gone. All of their squabbles and the daily management of whereabouts and requirements are all gone. 

Imagine your social schedule is managed by a personal assistant. They handle birthday presents for your parents, RSVP’s and calendar management, scheduling and orchestrating the business of day to day life. This person assures that your schedule brings you optimal joy and success. Never does a birthday go unacknowledged or a thank you note get lost in the mail. You are the first to RSVP to weddings, baptisms, and showers. You are able to be the friend and family member you have always wanted to be because the labor of this work is no longer on your shoulders alone. 

Imagine you are free of responsibilities for employment or financial gain or wellbeing. Wealth is plentiful and you no longer need consider the cost or the investment. You don’t need to analyze health plans or become an overnight expert on finances to complete your taxes. These tasks are managed to your optimal benefit and success. You no longer need take the time to micromanage your finances or your plans in order to create cost savings or produce profit. You are free. 

Now, if this imaginative state is not enough to blow your socks off, imagine what would you do with all of the time you have left. If instead of buzzing from one duty or task to the next you could simply, be, exist, experience. Now, what would you do? What might you have time for? Where might your focus be? What would you and your partner talk about over dinner if logistics were no longer on the table? Could you talk about joy? Passion projects? Would you still complain or nitpick? Of course, there will always be challenges but the joy – the very real joy is in the imagining. It is in the wondering – what might you do with yourself, with your time? How might you live? 

Would you go to Wimbledon? Take painting classes? Try out for a play? What adventures would you go on? Would you swim under a waterfall in Fiji? Would you fold your children’s laundry or write love letters to your spouse – not because you “had to,” but as a labor of love? What would your life look like if it wasn’t full of these tasks and to do items that take up so much of our days? 

For instance, I once read a post on Instagram from a cellist who was hired by Richard Branson to play for him. She performed while he played tennis with a former head of state. She was flown to his private island, housed, fed, and compensated for playing music while he played tennis. The idea just blew my mind. He could have played cello music on a sound system but instead he chose this indulgence for his afternoon’s delight and that of his guest. When you think about it, there are heads of state, dignitaries, business owners, and leaders across the globe who have access to staff, personal or professional, to remove these obstacles from their daily lives. It is this assistance that gives them the freedom to focus on passion projects, work, and goals.

This lifestyle exists, it is not impossible. It may be a far reach for many of us – but even the small act of imagining powerful. It allows us to consider what we might do if we had that access, those resources. If we had the ability to focus solely on what we most want to do and everyone around us conspired for our success – I wonder who we might shape the world differently? How would you change the world? And I mean this in a very small way – none of us is responsible to reshape history on our own. But how would you change your world? How would you shift your attention and what would you do with limitless time, energy, and resources?  

Running Forward Toward Fear

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I have been cruising forward toward goals and accomplishments. Pushing myself to complete tasks that have long been on my list but that I have yet to organize and arrange. These are big long term goals and my momentum has been building but I was feeling a bit rushed, even though I’m prepared to step forward I found myself feeling a like if I kept moving at that pace that energy would devolve from momentum into overwhelm. 

I have started reading Brenee Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart, and in it she describes a difference between anticipation and anxiety. There is a distinction between our awareness that we have a lot to accomplish and the belief that we can accomplish all we want or have the necessary bandwidth to give to the project. We devolve into overwhelm when we are presented with a variety of opportunities but we do not feel that we are able to bring the appropriate energy or skills to their accomplishment. On weeks when my agenda is full I get into that overwhelm zone but I’ve never deliberately channeled my energy to get out of it – I didn’t know I could!

Therefore, for the first time today I took notice that I was feeling a little off kilter. I intentionally reigned in that energy so that I could locate my center of gravity, find where I am comfortable and process from a place of strength. This is totally new for me. Usually once I start tottering there needs to be a meltdown or freak-out before I find my way back to calm. But today I recognized that I was flying, feeling fast and loose and not in a good way. I felt those feelings and instead of being paralyzed by them or flinging myself even further into that unwieldy energy I stepped back. I did a meditation on being grounded and centered.

I will still pursue my goals and I remain intimidated by them – I love the quote that if your dreams don’t scare you, you’re not dreaming big enough. And right now the goals I am pursuing are scary for me. I’m hoping to grow this blog and this site – I want to create the community, sites, and works that we all deserve to enjoy. I want this site to be a welcoming home and a place where you can come to sit down with a cup of tea and rest, feel nourished, and centered before you return to whatever amazing things you do in the world. In order to give all of us this gift I am stepping out of my comfort zone – I don’t know a lot about website design, or starting a business, but I do know how to write and so I am writing out my fear. Because it is real fear – fear of failure or of making the wrong choice and wasting time and money. It is fear of doing things incorrectly. It is fear of judgement and letting people down and those are big scary things.

They are also very exciting things because what if it all works out and I am able to create the site we deserve. What if I am able to reach a wider audience of like-minded people. People who need my work as much as I need them to read it. What if we are on the cusp of building something truly transformational together and if I don’t step forward something that could have changed the world could be missing. And so in spite of my fear I am letting it ride shot-gun. I do not forget my fear or my caution but I don’t let them hold me back. I am letting them inspire me to choose wisely and do my best. I am using that fear to help me create an even better site and space than I imagine now. I am using that fear to keep me accountable and hold myself to the highest standard. 

I am also remembering that failures are not losses they are opportunities to recalibrate and realign. Failures are lessons in how to do it better. Failures are gifts that we can choose to learn from and grow with added wisdom and experience. It is humbling and it may be humiliating but it is a step in the right direction and I intend to take it. I intend to try and hopefully I will be able to give us all a space to grow together, learn from one another, and blossom into the fullest and most authentic versions of ourselves that we can possibly be together. I’ve got you. I’m getting to work.

Listening, the Dali Lama, and Learning to be a Better Friend

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Being a better friend often means we give our time and attention but we do not give our guidance. We are not advisors, we are a support group. We listen and let others come to their own natural conclusions. It means listening to someone’s shared dreams without giving directions as to how to get there. This is NOT easy! I am so good at answers and giving direction, I am not good at letting others lead or make their own mistakes.

I was reminded of this during a recent conversation with my neighbor. I offered solutions and strategies when I was only needed to lend a listening ear. Especially since the topic was the challenges of being a Black Indigenous Person of Color (BIPOC) in the professional world. In this conversation I bring nothing to the table other than my ability to listen, learn, and support. Spoiler: I did not do that.

I wanted so badly to help that I offered any intervention I could provide. I suggested solutions when my friend was coming to me to be heard. Expressing a desire for me to understand not for me to fix her problem. I knew this and yet in the moment I promptly forgot.

And I apologized afterward after I had a moment to reflect on our conversation and consider what part I wished to play. I wanted to be of service and help but the value I brought to the conversation was deep and attentive listening to my friend. Not offering what I a white woman would do in her situation – she knows what a white lady would do, and she also knows that solution would not work for her.

I needed to take a step back to remember that my value does not come from offering solutions or fixes to societal problems. I was meant to listen, to learn, and to better understand what these challenges are like for my friends of color. I was not being asked to solve this problem but to more intimately familiarize myself with the experiences that women of color face in the work place. 

Thinking about this conversation from the perspective of a BIPOC woman made me realize how patient and wonderful my friend was to share her story with me. It made me realize how challenging these conversations must be for BIPOC to have with people who are not of color. My attempts to “fix” or “solve,” created even more work for my friend as she had to hold her ground as I attempted to push her forward. 

I am learning more about myself and vulnerability this year. I am learning that I like to cross things off of my list and make them better if at all possible. I am also learning that the “better,” I seek is not always attained through my mental or physical labor. Many times my goal is obtained through my patience, my willingness to listen and be still, my ability to let my BIPOC friends lead the conversation and let me know what they need – before I jump in to assist. 

Obviously, this translates to every relationship, being attentive to ourselves and recognizing that oftentimes the best gift we can give to others is our silence. Digest the wisdom, take it all in, don’t even think about what you will say next. As the Dali Lama once said, “When you talk, you are only repeating what you know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” I plan to take advantage of this learning and listening much more going forward. I’m just grateful I have so many dear friends willing to walk this path beside me and share what they have learned on their own travels.

What are you re-learning or unlearning in order to be a better listener? Any tips you’d like to share on how to take a beat and be more present for each other?

The Gifts of 2020

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None of us has gone untouched by the challenges of 2020, the daily winnowing away of routines, habits, and traditions seems to have only prepared us for greater losses. The beginning felt like a reprieve as all who could delighted in new work-from-home schedules and mandated vacations from the regular routines we had all grown weary of performing. All of our rituals were altered and perhaps at first, at least for me, it felt like a generous unburdening. A relief from birthday parties, practices, and meetings. Having a reason not to attend was a gift.

Of course the balance to this was the new sensation of impending doom and fear that began to encroach on the periphery of my reality. But these things felt minor, so far away from the material shifts happening in my daily life that they stayed on the edges of my awareness. Yet, as I recreated normalcy and cobbled a routine into the new life that COVID pressed upon us all that fear edged its way ever closer to my camp fire, ever nearer to the heart of my home, family, and personal life. But even as this specter stalked us in our waking nightmares it brought with it gifts and new opportunities that before its arrival none of us could imagine. 

This sounds a bit like a fairy tale, a little scary but etched with hope and golden strands of magic woven into each image. And in a way it is, for me at least. Recently I have taken time to consider what gifts 2020 has brought to me and found my list quite long. And therefore, I have decided to break up these unexpected gifts into several posts. I cannot forge into 2021 without the tools that 2020 gave me, it would be foolish to leave behind the skills we have in order to search for those we desire. And therefore as we enter 2021 it will be with strength and endurance forged in the fire of 2020 – there is no hotter kiln and there are no weak warriors. And just as I am grateful for the education and experience that brought me to where I am in life, I am grateful for all I have learned and gained in 2020. There is much I did not know that I needed but now realize it leaves me prepared to forge ahead into the unknown with confidence and courage.

What gifts of 2020 do you most value? What sacrifices have impacted you most?