Tag: health

Boundaries Refresher

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Boundaries are the ground rules we share with others in healthy and mutually respectful relationships. They are the limits we place around our time, our attention, and our energy. Our boundaries are not negotiable. Lately I’ve been feeling my boundaries are in need of a tune up. I can tell because I am feeling angry and pushed to firmly state or re-state my limits. Anger is a guide that shows us where we need boundaries.

I notice my boundaries can sometimes slip when I choose to ignore my own needs in order to please or gain approval from someone else. It’s what Brenee Brown calls, “Hustling for worthiness.” We ignore our own desires and instead focus on meeting someone else’s needs, hoping to attain validation from that other person or group. It never works. We are left in resentment and anger because we have given what we need most to someone else. We feel resentful of them – whether they knew we were making a sacrifice or not – and angry that we feel used. It is exhausting to live in anger and resentment. It is not a strategy for building healthy relationships.

Therefore not volunteering to contribute to my own destruction is a necessary boundary for me. It is one with myself but there are others too. Some boundaries include how much time I am willing to give to a phone call or conversation topic. How much attention I wish to pay to a certain discussion at a particular time. How far I’m willing to go to meet someone. These limits are what keep me grounded in joy. Giving only what I am willing to share, not giving away that which I need most is key.

In fact, to build healthy relationships is to respect the boundaries of others and have your boundaries respected in turn. It is the highest form of mutual respect and love I can imagine. The reciprocity, for me, is the most important piece. It is the dance of give and take that makes others feel valued and seen. It lets our partners know we respect their limits and are willing to meet them where they are comfortable. Boundaries give us all the space to be free and held. I read recently, “Home is not a place, it is a feeling.” And that struck me as a deep truth. When we come home to our friends, family, lovers, and children we are connecting and creating home. 

A major component to home is safety. We feel safest when we know that we are valued and respected. One of the ways we show others that we love them is by respecting their boundaries. And the way they show us that we are equally valued is by respecting ours. Never settle for less than equity. Never agree to a relationship where the terms of engagement require you to sacrifice your needs or wants for someone else’s. Arriving at a point in life where you can be kind to yourself first, take care of yourself first, is a moment to be celebrated. Because boundaries come from being attentive to our own needs. We have more on how to discover your own needs here.

Pay attention to what your anger is directing you to be attentive to – do you need to set or restate some boundaries? Do you need more space or less? What can you do to feel more at home and at ease in your relationships? What boundaries have you used to center and ground yourself and create a safe home in your relationships with others?

How to Have a Happier Life

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Usually I write about the keys to bringing our best selves to our lives. One of the tools I don’t talk about as much but want to address now is relationships and how they help us to have a happier life. I recently watched this TED talk on the impact our relationships have on our lives. Research shows the highest indicator of our happiness throughout our lives is not whether we achieve fame, wealth, or renown. It is not if we are productive or compete well. In fact the highest indicator of wellness and longevity is the health of our relationships. 

As someone who loves her alone time I want to focus on this point. Because taking care of myself with exercise, creativity, meditation, etc. will enhance my wellbeing but it will not determine the duration or the quality of my life. The research shows that good relationships keep us happier and healthier.

Wow, that’s a lot. As someone who curates her relationships, I want this to sink in not just for you but for me too. Having relationships with people we know we can depend upon actually enables us to live longer, healthier lives. And not only that – it decreases the pain we will feel when we do face health issues. Less physical pain – due simply to having dependable family, friends, and relationships with others! And how do we do that? How do we make friends? What if we live in a new place? Or are not familiar with our community? 

Family

Here’s what I know. We recently relocated to a new home – which I talk more about here. We moved to a location much closer to family. We now live in this town with my family super close and it has been one of the best choices we have made. We wave when we drive by each other. We have guaranteed help whenever we make too much spaghetti or have more desserts than any one family can consume. And more than that, family makes this new place feel like home.

Friends

I have found getting involved in the things that interest you help you find your people. For example, I attended a free writing course at the library and ran into an acquaintance. We’re now attending a writing conference together. I even gave a recommendation for her in a job interview. I don’t know that if I needed a kidney she’d be my girl but I sure know that when there’s a writing program, she’s going to make sure I know about it! These small things make a difference in helping all of us feel supported. 

Community

If you want to get involved in your local community I would recommend joining your community and neighborhood facebook groups, attend the block party, even if you only stop by for a short visit. It really is lovely to see a friend you met briefly on the drive home. Even if you don’t like the pressure of a large event you can always attend your community’s annual parades, fireworks displays, home and garden tours, or street market. These are fun, low pressure, ways you can see and meet the people who live around you out and about. 

The larger community can sometimes feel daunting. And the thing is if this isn’t for you it’s ok to stick with a small group. We don’t need a ton of friends we just need a few real ones.

Building relationships really makes a difference in our quality of life. I hope these ideas enrich your life too – and helps all of us all to live a little longer, a little happier, and with less pain and suffering. Sending you lots of love and my deepest thanks because this little community is one of the places where I feel deep joy to be surrounded by loving and likeminded people. So thank you – M.

I am always after ideas and strategies for how to live a happier life. Drop a note in the comments if you have some tips and ideas for creating community and building deeper relationships. 

Reclaim a Positive Mindset

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This month I’m noticing a shift in how people are showing up. As we prepare for a blast of snow storms here in the midwest there is an edge of negativity and and frustration. This post pandemic reality has not been easy on any of us. I want to take a minute to remind us all of the power we have to reclaim a positive mindset. 

The negative feedback loop does not just happen on social media, it can happen in our own minds as well. Following simple steps is helpful so that we don’t get pulled down into negativity. That said if you feel like you are depressed or need additional help, please seek out a professional care provider. You are not alone and there are experts available, don’t feel you have to face this challenge on your own. 

If however you’re simply looking to lighten the load and brighten your perspective here are some tools we can use to get out of a negative mindset:

Social Media – Revise your social media follows. Pay attention to the media you consume. If you find yourself dragged down or feeling sad or empty after scrolling, start by taking a break from your social feeds. After a break from screen time clean your virtual house. Clear out any account that makes you feel less joyful than when you first view it. It does not matter if these are accounts that belong to people you know, news sources, or causes you believe in – if the content is leaving you drained or in a negative head space, root it out. You can come back when you’re ready but for now it is time to cleanse and take a break.

News Sources – Being an informed and engaged citizen is important but if you are feeling overwhelmed by the content you are observing give yourself permission to let it go. You are not obligated to carry the weight of the world in order to be informed. Choose a positive news source or limit your consumption to one short block of time a day. In the 24 hour news cycle most information does not serve you. Do not allow yourself to be guilted or held accountable for knowing all. Your peace is more important. 

Connections – Pay attention to how you feel after talking with friends and family. Do you feel refreshed and enlightened? Do you feel bogged down or tired? There are some people in our lives who can suck all of the joy out of the room and others. After an interaction it can take hours, days, or weeks to recover. Pay attention to how you feel when you’re with others and if you notice things are heading south, get out. You can begin with boundaries and remind yourself of them as needed. 

Another idea is to make time to spend with people who lift you up and make your life brighter. Be attentive to who those people are in your life and make a point to spend more time in their company.

Mental Health – And again, if you find yourself feeling down more often than usual, seek out a professional mental healthcare provider. Caring for yourself is your most important job. You are your most important thing. The world is a more radiant and beautiful place because you are in it. We cannot win or finish the race if we do not take breaks to rest and recover.

Give yourself everything you need to thrive, feel nurtured, and grow. Reclaim your positive mindset. Care for yourself as you would a small child, pet, or plant. We need sunlight, water, warmth, and care – these things do not come by accident, they come by intention. Be generous with your self-care. Not only are you worthy and deserving, you are also unique and wonderful. There’s no one else like you in the world, so please take care of you. 

Christmas Reflections

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In preparing for Christmas and this New Year – I have been so focused on where I want to be, my goals and aspirations, that I haven’t appreciated that where I am is pretty amazing. This time of year always inspires Christmas reflections and gratitude. Everything I have this year was once a dream, everything from writing this note, to where I am physically. I feel a debt of gratitude and recognition of what we have been able to build in the last twelve months. We have accomplished a lot this year. But before rushing to list those things I want to be present. Being here in whatever this suspended time of the year is for all of us.

The time and space after the build up to Christmas, the lull, and almost comatose vegging out of the week between Christmas and New Years. There is no need to purchase anything, we are dining on left-overs. We are hungover from all of the traditional social interactions and family gossip. Thinking about the year to come or not thinking at all. Watching too many Hallmark movies and just being still. What an absolute gift to ourselves. It is a joy to be able to rest and to feel no obligation to instruct, guide, or lead. We are simply present and maybe only vaguely aware – the days blend together and all of it melds peacefully into one restive blob. 

This year I am grateful for our first year in our new home, I’m grateful for health, and I’m grateful for rest. I’m grateful that my family is here around me. I’m grateful we have each other and that we are able to celebrate the holidays together. Grateful for quiet afternoons, naps, and ease. I am grateful to myself for taking this time and not pressuring myself to be productive. 

I am so grateful for relaxing family nights and the joy of sharing a family meal. I am glad for what we have and what we share. Every night this week we have prepared a meal from scratch. Some meals are more ornate and involved than others. But most are simple family recipes that are our own traditions. “Oh Christmas Bahn Mi,” and Grandma’s Chicken Parmesan.

These are delicious and filling meals that not only satisfy our need for dinner but will also make enough to freeze. This is a gift we give ourselves. Before we are in that zone of too much presents, food, and dessert we cook. That way when all we are seeking is a Christmas carrot – there will still be food prepared that requires no effort. We simply warm it up and we are nourished and satisfied. What a gift this time is to rest, relax and deeply nourish ourselves and our families. 

We often spoil each other with gifts and treats. When really, the gift we all want is to watch an old movie, to rest and relax together. We want to be our honest and unguarded selves. Our only goal is to luxuriate in the slower pace and feel no obligation to rush, attend to, or show up for anyone or anything else. Just to simply be peaceful, easy, and home. 

And maybe that’s what I’m writing about after all. These Christmas reflections are about finding home where ever we are and with whomever we choose. The creation of safety, peace, and security. The gift of protection, honesty, new traditions and old melding into the creation of home. We are grateful for building a life and space where everyone is loved and accepted exactly as they are and loved.

We are all so deeply loved and I don’t know what to call it. This may not even have a name but it feels safe, cozy, hygge, health, love, warmth, ease, peace, and tenderness. Whatever the German word for this is, I feel it deep in my soul. I am content and I am happy. This is all I’ve been looking for all my life, and here I have it. More than anything I hope you do too. Here in this virtual living room I hope you feel it. You are all so welcome here, I love you, I’m glad you came, let’s watch another movie.

Cold Hands Warm Heart

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Tips for Making Every Day Routines Sacred

When I was little my aunt used to tell us, “Cold hands warm heart,” whenever we put our icy hands in hers. She would come in from outside, we knew we were getting gentle and cold fingers on our necks and big hugs. It was such a part of our winter routine that now I say the same thing to my kiddos, “cold hands warm heart,” and bury them in my arms. It is a ritual and a memory, a simple way to make common occurrences sacred. 

This winter I am striving to create more meaning in my daily practices. My showers, skin-care routine, the way I go to sleep and the way I wake up. These are daily events that I often rush through. Time lost in the past or in the future – Did I put the clothes in the dryer? I need to pick up milk. The saddest part is that this happens every day. By focusing on our anxieties or worries we loose opportunities to create nourishing rituals.

Tips to make small moments brighter.

  1. I purchased a small box of mindfulness cards that I open each morning to give me a mantra, intention, or reflection that I can use to intentionally begin my day.
  2. Adding sweet smelling soaps and lotions to my showers and skincare routines. They add delight to the experience and remind me to slow down.
  3. Cookies! After my meditations I am savoring chocolate shortbread cookies with strawberry icing. These sweet treats being a little taste of summer into my chilly winter afternoons.

None of these shifts is monumental or expensive. Yet they are excellent tools for making my everyday routines sacred. I am feeling hot water raining down on my skin, smelling coconut and remembering summer, beaches, and fun. The biggest revelation is the practice of staying in the moment. I am not just going through the motions. Beginning my day engaged and delighting shifts my perspective and improves my mood.

The simple act of enhancing my daily practices makes my life richer. It is wonderful to be able to brighten my own day and surprise myself. It is the little things that make life nice and remind us of the many joys of being alive. We don’t always have to remodel the kitchen or take off on vacation to feel special. Sometimes all it takes is a cozy reminder – cold hands warm heart, have a hug, we’re so loved. 

What little gifts can you give to yourself that would make life more lovely? How do you make your daily routines special? What scents bring joy to your heart or what loving sayings did you grow up with in your home?

Open Heartedness

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Letting energy flow through you.

“If your heart is open it can’t be broken.” This statement was given to me by a stranger in passing. This mantra marks a lovely moment of synchronicity in my life. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. I didn’t know this person and after this moment I have never seen or heard from her again. And yet her gentle teaching has stayed with me for years.

Today I was reminded of this lesson as I did a grounding meditation. The purpose of the meditation is to bring life back into focus so we’re not scrambling after every small offense or ruminating on any particular situation too long. Overthinking be gone!

As I did the breath exercises I remembered that part of this lesson has to do with our desire to hold on to our emotions, anger, frustrations, or even joy. We can’t hold onto these things unless we wish for them to go toxic. Much like grains of sand, the tighter we squeeze the faster they slip through our fingers. Therefore, as I did this exercise I released. I let go of trying to control or understand. This released the desire to manage the outcome and by doing so I am no longer ruminating. I am free to enjoy my day, free to savor the present moment, and write freely.

And that’s the word that stands out – free. When we let love, energy, emotion, etc. pass through us, as welcome visitors, we get to enjoy them in the moment. When we attempt to hold on too long we are left clinging to a shadow of that experience. Letting things flow through our lives frees us to embrace the transitory nature of life. Therefore when we are having fun or experience joy, we savor it. Just as when we suffer it too will not last. Remembering the temporary nature of life is frees us to enjoy the good and endure the bad. With open hearts we accept the love poured into us and remain open when love leaves for whatever comes next. 

Trusting ourselves and the universe begins by listening to our own inner voices. When we trust that more will come, we do not need to hang on for dear life. Our open heart knows there will be more joy, more laughter, more friendship. We do not need to cling to what we have and we do not need to own it. There is nothing that we own in life – least of all our emotional state or those we love. Without ownership there is no responsibility to manage or control.

Therefore it is with an open heart I wish you a beautiful day full of love, ease, comfort, laughter, and faith. My hope is that you try allowing everything to flow through you rather than into you. Ride the waves rather than being worn away slowly like a rock. Even the thought is liberating. Those mountains you are carrying you were only meant to climb. Let’s stop carrying undue burdens and weighing ourselves down with obstacles. Let us instead choose to free ourselves and let the universe take care of the rest. As they say in yoga class – Namaste. 

Pouring from an Empty Cup

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When life feels hectic and as if the momentum to move forward is not surging as we would like. Or if at times it feels as if I am rushing while the world itself seems to be in slow motion. It reminds me that caring for myself is necessary – and warranted. That is why I take the following five simple steps to taking better care of myself.

Five Simple Ways to take better care of yourself. 

  1. Drink water – Dehydration is not only terrible for our skin and mood but it also can lead to ill health and lightheadedness. Taking time to be sure we’re drinking enough water and giving our bodies what they need is important.
  2. Focus internally – this can be done with meditation, yoga, or a few deep breaths. Whatever comes next will come, the only way we can meet challenges is by being and staying grounded in ourselves. 
  3. Get active – take a walk or do some light stretching. Any movement will do but getting into our bodies is the best way to know what we need next.
  4. Rest – It may be a quick nap, a break from calls so you can focus on a single task at a time, or maybe a day off. Recovery is the only way to heal and be fully healthful. Taking a break for rest is necessary and important.
  5. Be gentle – Whether we are dealing with someone else or ourselves, being kind and gentle makes us strong. We want to be the kindest person in the room – not the loudest. Therefore let that kindness begin at home and in your own head and heart.

What steps do you take to take better care of yourself? What gifts of love do you give yourself when you feel as if you’re wearing thin?

Thursdaying: Holding Space For Ourselves

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I am holding space for myself today. Usually the request to hold space is for someone else. An opportunity to communicate our care or let someone know we are thinking of them. I find it easy to hold space for others but rarely take the time to nurture and focus on myself. Therefore when I sense a feeling of risk or fear as I consider moving toward my goals, or plans, it catches my attention. That awareness reminds me I need to take some time to hold space and look inward. The time I use is what I call, “Thursdaying.”

I grew up in a loud home. Our house was full of siblings, friends, games, television, pets, and events. There was always something happening. In the summers we would visit our friends and sometimes spend weeks at each other’s houses. It was an opportunity for each of us to see how the other half lived. Also, a great opportunity for our parents to spend time together as a couple. Our houses were noticeably cleaner upon our return and our parents well rested.

One of the gifts of these trips was staying with my mother’s best friend and my, “Mom 2.” After several days of Spice Girls music video shoots, movie screenings, and play we were all usually pretty tired. But on this morning I happened to be up early. The other kiddos were still fast asleep, and while Dad 2 stayed home, Mom 2 took me to breakfast.

On the ride over Mom 2 made the rules clear. I was welcome to come, and she loved me very much, but she was going to sit alone. She would read her book and drink her coffee. She would buy breakfast but I would sit at my own table. We were not together. No adult had ever spoken to me like this before. It felt very grown up and direct. I promptly agreed. I was confident I could comport and handle myself at a coffeehouse, “alone.” 

It was a big change for me to be left to my own devices. And so I ordered my hot chocolate and blueberry scone and picked out my table. While my drink was prepared I took my time collecting various magazines and newspapers from the racks and counters. I had not known the rules before I left and therefore needed supplies. I picked a yellow wood table and parked myself, with my back to where Mom 2 sat maybe 10 feet away from me. That morning I ate, I drank, I read – it was heaven. 

It was Thursday and yet no one interrupted me. It was just the resonant noise of an early morning coffee shop. I did not need to rush anywhere or do anything. An independent woman, for the first time in my life. It was glorious. And that memory stuck. It has stayed, nestled in my heart all my life. 

Throughout my life I have enjoyed many more days like this – after all Thursday’s come every week. However, the value and the splendor of that first morning is a gift I savor. I was recently given another free Thursday. There was nowhere I needed to be and nothing that had to be done. I was free. So I popped by a local coffee shop, bought myself a lemonade and a macaroon. I sipped, I read – a book I brought with because I learned early the wisdom of being prepared – and delighted in the experience. I savored and admired the sun through the window, the morning light on the park across the street, the ambient conversations that filled the room around me.

As I sat in peaceful comfort, I remembered the beauty of my first coffeeshop morning and texted Mom 2 and set a date for a call. I need a refresher course in honoring myself and in keeping my heart whole and my spirit free. The time was a rekindling and a reminder of my priorities. It allowed me to refocus my attention on my own goals and making my own heart sing. To do that requires Thursdaying – making time for my own delight and unexpected treats. It means trusting myself to walk alone and to find a path. Taking the time to savor the sweetness of right now because after all, it is fleeting. 

On the drive home from that first coffeeshop visit I felt elated and free. I felt like the happiest and most authentic version of myself. I felt like me. And it was wonderful. I am forever grateful to Mom 2 for being my bonus mom and for giving me the gift of time to find and honor myself exactly as I am, exactly who I am, and to celebrate regular days. After all, everyone has Thursdays. 

A Simple Practice to Be Present

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When feeling overwhelmed it is easy to look to social media for distraction. Rather than analyze if what I am feeling is anxiety, fear, or nervousness like most of us, I scroll. As I scroll I find several other items that grab my attention. Instead of just worrying about my own small problems, I am also worried about global warming, Ukraine, and if we have ingredients for vegan pasta. These are not solutions they are simply more tasks. Adding tasks to my plate when I am already feeling overwhelmed is not an answer. It is another problem.

It feels easier some days to be distracted. However, you’re not going to be able to hear your own voice when you are taking in so many other ideas. To help you process all of the thoughts rushing through your head, do the smallest thing you know to do first.

Instead of distracting myself I find that a yoga class can often help me get grounded again. When I am most chaotic inside, it helps to have a physical practice to focus my attention. There is nothing like a slow flow class where I am intentionally stretching to bring me into the present. I think things like, “I can do this better,” or, “Nope, too deep a stretch on that side.” Whatever the inner monologue is, it is no longer about the world outside. I am not fixing everything I am only focused on one thing. As I do this I am soothed and comforted.

Working backward from chaos and overwhelm into being present with and in myself is an intentional act. Yoga is what does it for me. How do you bring yourself back from chaos to comfort? What steps work best for you?

Rest and Recovery

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Taking a break to rest. This week we booked a vacation. I recently read an article in the Harvard Business Review by Shawn Achor and Michelle Gielan which explains the need to rest to continue our journeys. And it struck a chord in me. We cannot keep pursuing our goals doggedly, or even reach our destinations if we do not stop for water. It’s like expecting a marathoner to make the journey without gel packs or hydration. It simply cannot be done. And so often when we want something very much – a dream, goal, or hope – we believe that the only way to reach that goal or achieve that accomplishment is by sacrificing our wellbeing. Well, I am here to tell you that simply is not true. In fact I am going to tell you the opposite is in fact true. Rest and recovery is the key to success.

To reach any destination or goal we need gas in the tank. We need to take care of ourselves so that we can continue. The strength that separates those that achieve their goals from those that just talk about them is not endurance, instead it is recovery. It is taking the time to rest, to recalibrate, revive and keep going. It is not pushing harder, faster, longer. Even the research shows that we are only capable of pushing through pain and journeying on at greater risk to ourselves and others. I watched an episode of the greatest race recently. The show followed several groups as they collaborated and worked together to reach a goal. It was powerful to watch, and moved me to tears at various points.

There was a group of ex-military and special ops athletes who were working to finish the race. They clearly believed that they were not worthy of rest as they pushed themselves to injury rather than taking a break. To the point where one of their team members was rendered completely unable to stand. Even then he was unable to quit himself. And had to have his team lead both call for medical evacuation and decide that they would not go on. Even the language this team used afterward blamed the man who was injured. Had he stopped to properly tend to his wounds they all likely could have carried on and finished the race. But their shared belief that he must push through pain likely cost them all the joy they were seeking by participating.

On the opposite end of the spectrum there was another team simply there to do something fun as a group. They also did not finish the race but their take aways were totally different. It was a team of friends who just wanted to make memories together. On a particularly difficult stretch of mountain biking one of their members went over the handlebars of his bike – likely traveling at more than 20 or 30 miles per hour. His helmet was cracked but when the call came from the medical team, his first complaint was of some missing fingernails. He was tender and in pain but sustained only topical injuries. His team refused to go on. They were simply grateful that he was not hurt more seriously. Health, rest and recovery were their priorities.

What stood out to me was that the first man faced his challenge alone. How might his story be different if his relationships with his teammates were based on more than shared ambition and intensity? Whereas the second group both made it further and left with an even deeper satisfaction – lifelong mutually supportive friendships. They chose not to go on because it was not in the best interest for the team. Their injured teammate did not suffer alone. Furthermore, they walked away more deeply connected. 

That feeling of being unable to stop for proper care, kept the first contender from accomplishing his goal. His perspective also cost him his health. What is most relevant here is that he may have done irreparable damage to his body by not pausing to rest. That refusal of rest and recovery cost him his dream of finishing the race.

Taking care of ourselves and addressing our needs is not frivolous or wasteful. In fact, it is the difference between being able to recover and continue the journey and burning ourselves out. This week we planned a vacation and even as we planned it I was envisioning photos I could share here on the blog, outfit changes, food posts, and more. But I will use this time to rest and refresh. I will use this time to recharge and unwind. This has not been an easy year. I am grateful for the reprieve and the opportunity to refill my cup and nourish myself before the next leg of my journey. 

As you now know, I highly recommend rest and recovery. Also, I cannot more highly recommend twice annual vacations and intermittent trips in between for your own sanity and recovery. Give yourself the gift of fresh water. Fill the well. Let yourself be supported and nurtured so that you may continue. You may even accomplish those incredible and ambitious goals you have set for yourself.