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How to Have a Happier Life

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Usually I write about the keys to bringing our best selves to our lives. One of the tools I don’t talk about as much but want to address now is relationships and how they help us to have a happier life. I recently watched this TED talk on the impact our relationships have on our lives. Research shows the highest indicator of our happiness throughout our lives is not whether we achieve fame, wealth, or renown. It is not if we are productive or compete well. In fact the highest indicator of wellness and longevity is the health of our relationships. 

As someone who loves her alone time I want to focus on this point. Because taking care of myself with exercise, creativity, meditation, etc. will enhance my wellbeing but it will not determine the duration or the quality of my life. The research shows that good relationships keep us happier and healthier.

Wow, that’s a lot. As someone who curates her relationships, I want this to sink in not just for you but for me too. Having relationships with people we know we can depend upon actually enables us to live longer, healthier lives. And not only that – it decreases the pain we will feel when we do face health issues. Less physical pain – due simply to having dependable family, friends, and relationships with others! And how do we do that? How do we make friends? What if we live in a new place? Or are not familiar with our community? 

Family

Here’s what I know. We recently relocated to a new home – which I talk more about here. We moved to a location much closer to family. We now live in this town with my family super close and it has been one of the best choices we have made. We wave when we drive by each other. We have guaranteed help whenever we make too much spaghetti or have more desserts than any one family can consume. And more than that, family makes this new place feel like home.

Friends

I have found getting involved in the things that interest you help you find your people. For example, I attended a free writing course at the library and ran into an acquaintance. We’re now attending a writing conference together. I even gave a recommendation for her in a job interview. I don’t know that if I needed a kidney she’d be my girl but I sure know that when there’s a writing program, she’s going to make sure I know about it! These small things make a difference in helping all of us feel supported. 

Community

If you want to get involved in your local community I would recommend joining your community and neighborhood facebook groups, attend the block party, even if you only stop by for a short visit. It really is lovely to see a friend you met briefly on the drive home. Even if you don’t like the pressure of a large event you can always attend your community’s annual parades, fireworks displays, home and garden tours, or street market. These are fun, low pressure, ways you can see and meet the people who live around you out and about. 

The larger community can sometimes feel daunting. And the thing is if this isn’t for you it’s ok to stick with a small group. We don’t need a ton of friends we just need a few real ones.

Building relationships really makes a difference in our quality of life. I hope these ideas enrich your life too – and helps all of us all to live a little longer, a little happier, and with less pain and suffering. Sending you lots of love and my deepest thanks because this little community is one of the places where I feel deep joy to be surrounded by loving and likeminded people. So thank you – M.

I am always after ideas and strategies for how to live a happier life. Drop a note in the comments if you have some tips and ideas for creating community and building deeper relationships. 

Christmas Reflections

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In preparing for Christmas and this New Year – I have been so focused on where I want to be, my goals and aspirations, that I haven’t appreciated that where I am is pretty amazing. This time of year always inspires Christmas reflections and gratitude. Everything I have this year was once a dream, everything from writing this note, to where I am physically. I feel a debt of gratitude and recognition of what we have been able to build in the last twelve months. We have accomplished a lot this year. But before rushing to list those things I want to be present. Being here in whatever this suspended time of the year is for all of us.

The time and space after the build up to Christmas, the lull, and almost comatose vegging out of the week between Christmas and New Years. There is no need to purchase anything, we are dining on left-overs. We are hungover from all of the traditional social interactions and family gossip. Thinking about the year to come or not thinking at all. Watching too many Hallmark movies and just being still. What an absolute gift to ourselves. It is a joy to be able to rest and to feel no obligation to instruct, guide, or lead. We are simply present and maybe only vaguely aware – the days blend together and all of it melds peacefully into one restive blob. 

This year I am grateful for our first year in our new home, I’m grateful for health, and I’m grateful for rest. I’m grateful that my family is here around me. I’m grateful we have each other and that we are able to celebrate the holidays together. Grateful for quiet afternoons, naps, and ease. I am grateful to myself for taking this time and not pressuring myself to be productive. 

I am so grateful for relaxing family nights and the joy of sharing a family meal. I am glad for what we have and what we share. Every night this week we have prepared a meal from scratch. Some meals are more ornate and involved than others. But most are simple family recipes that are our own traditions. “Oh Christmas Bahn Mi,” and Grandma’s Chicken Parmesan.

These are delicious and filling meals that not only satisfy our need for dinner but will also make enough to freeze. This is a gift we give ourselves. Before we are in that zone of too much presents, food, and dessert we cook. That way when all we are seeking is a Christmas carrot – there will still be food prepared that requires no effort. We simply warm it up and we are nourished and satisfied. What a gift this time is to rest, relax and deeply nourish ourselves and our families. 

We often spoil each other with gifts and treats. When really, the gift we all want is to watch an old movie, to rest and relax together. We want to be our honest and unguarded selves. Our only goal is to luxuriate in the slower pace and feel no obligation to rush, attend to, or show up for anyone or anything else. Just to simply be peaceful, easy, and home. 

And maybe that’s what I’m writing about after all. These Christmas reflections are about finding home where ever we are and with whomever we choose. The creation of safety, peace, and security. The gift of protection, honesty, new traditions and old melding into the creation of home. We are grateful for building a life and space where everyone is loved and accepted exactly as they are and loved.

We are all so deeply loved and I don’t know what to call it. This may not even have a name but it feels safe, cozy, hygge, health, love, warmth, ease, peace, and tenderness. Whatever the German word for this is, I feel it deep in my soul. I am content and I am happy. This is all I’ve been looking for all my life, and here I have it. More than anything I hope you do too. Here in this virtual living room I hope you feel it. You are all so welcome here, I love you, I’m glad you came, let’s watch another movie.

Serenity this Holiday Season

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In the holiday rush and excitement it seems there is always one more thing to do. Another quick stop at the grocery store, one more gift, and one last batch of cookies. We are in the midst of the season and I am finding myself wanting to slow down. There’s this anticipation for the holidays that I don’t think we ever outgrow, this desire to celebrate, gather, and unite. But even in the midst of carols, cheer, and cards – I am finding myself longing for simplicity. I have high hopes for serenity this holiday season.

It seems every moment of this time of year is allocated to more than one thing. Watching White Christmas while wrapping presents, and sipping a fine scotch is a tradition that one of our couple friends enjoy. It’s lovely and it’s all of the things at one time. I like to make cookies, listen to carols, and let the kiddos help. This increases the challenge of any undertaking. But last night was a low key night – pizza and a roaring fire. We all cuddled up and colored in coloring books.

Each of us had our own design and we shared colored pencils. The tree was aglow, there were carols on in the kitchen, we did not plan this. It was a serendipitous moment in time but we were all present and engaged. I’d be lying if I did not admit there was some bickering over who got the red next. But overwhelmingly it was lovely. 

And that magic is what I’m after. My hopes for serenity are answered in the surprise of a quiet family evening at home. The delight of being together and having one another close. It was a seasonal moment because without the cold there would be no fire or decorated tree without Christmas coming – but they were all there, we were all home. We were not rushing toward some accomplishment, a lesson, duty, or obligation. We are all present and celebrating the season in our own small way. It didn’t cost us anything and the moment was lovely, it was sweet, serene, and holy. And I am going to savor that moment for a long time.

It was so good, I completely forgot to take a picture –  but I’m writing about it here so we don’t forget that when looking for a pause and a break from the carousel that is the holiday season, one brunch and party after another it can be such a gift to sit still on the bench and just watch the show together. What a gift that we are not alone, that we have one another, and that we do not need to perform our joy or show off our happiness. We could just enjoy the company of our family, talk and compliment one another’s creativity, and be together in this moment in time. That is a gift for which I am truly grateful.

Do you have hopes for serenity this season? What makes the holidays special for you? Are there any quiet traditions you love or that you’re hoping to start this year? If you’re looking for ideas there’s a list posted here.

Getting Started

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I recently attended a zoom where we chatted about organization. More specifically the feeling of powerlessness and overwhelm that comes from having an abundance of possessions. How having so many things can get in the way of progress. Too many possessions get in the way of living in our homes the way we want to and feeling free from the burdens of the past. It is humbling to consider how many of us have garages, basements, storage units full of things that we have not seen, used, or benefitted from owning in weeks, months, or years. In some cases we are even paying storage fees and the “stuff,” is not only not serving us but costing us. The key to freeing ourselves from this burden is simply getting started.

The freedom to live our lives the way we want to is often obstructed by the burden of too many possessions. That said, we need beauty, whimsy, and delight in our homes and among our possessions. If a variety of shoes delights you – by all means buy them, wear them, enjoy them. However, if an overabundance of shoes leaves you exhausted and drained because you can never find the pair you want then it might be time to let the shoes go. 

We all have those things that we enjoy and delight in owning – and that is completely appropriate. But when we feel obligated to maintain or keep items that do not serve a purpose or bring us joy then it may be time to reassess. I usually feel ready to purge after the winter months or visiting a place that makes me feel overwhelmed with clutter. It can be an enlightening and enlivening experience to donate those items that I no longer want or need. It is also freeing to share the items that no longer serve me with others. 

A friend attends a white elephant party annually where guests bring three items from their homes that they no longer want. The items that no longer serve them are redistributed among the attendees. The pieces that don’t find a forever home are donated. 

It feels incredible to release goods to the universe. And even better to share them with someone who may put them to good use. It is a powerful and freeing exercise. But getting started can be overwhelming. When we look at the clutter of an entire basement or the stacks that take over a garage we freeze.

When we have so many things that they no longer bring us joy but instead feel like a burden, we have an opportunity to make a shift. If looking at the stacks of bins overwhelms you. Or the anxiety inducing prospect of organizing feels like too much. Give yourself a time limit – plan to organize one box or bin a day. Do this organizing for 15 minutes and then stop. Give yourself a reward and don’t skimp out on it. Do this job for 15 minutes then it’s time to call a friend. Also, don’t tell yourself 15 minutes and then work for 30. You’re not foolish and your brain can spot a liar. If you overwork this time it will be even more challenging to try next time. You are simply getting started. 

Beginning a new task is always hard. I remember in high school a coach and I decided to start our training by walking. We wanted to be up and out for a walk early in the mornings. The first day we planned to go walk – we simply got up and went to breakfast. This seems counterintuitive but we rewarded ourselves first. As Julia Cameron tells us, “Treating myself like a precious object will make me strong.” We cannot berate and belittle ourselves and hope that things get better. We are all just big kids. Who among us responds well to being yelled at?

We naturally don’t want to do the difficult task and pressuring ourselves to accomplish it will not work. However, if we simply start the exercise, organize a single box or shelf, it makes it that much easier to move forward. And to come back another day to do a little bit more. Because we didn’t lie to ourselves or work past our breaking point – we simply took the steps necessary to make a little progress. Like a snowball at the top of a hill, we pick up momentum, speed, and weight as we roll downhill.

We can’t begin our progress and finish it in the same day. We simply have to start. Getting started and re-starting over and over until the task is done. And we can do a little bit every day to make our lives sweeter. This stead progress helps us to cherish the things we intentionally choose to keep. It also creates a home that functions well for us and our families. Organization and limiting our possessions gives ourselves the space to blossom and grow healthfully and wholly in the space we have and among the belongings we truly want in our lives and in our homes.

Staying Present: Opossum Invasion

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We’ve been invaded. The double edged sword of living in such close proximity to nature. We love the beautiful trees, the expansive vistas and looking out our windows at nothing but green leaves and sky. But this also means we are right in nature’s lap. The first things our neighbors warned us to watch out for was the wildlife. Our yard is apparently a parade route for foxes, coyotes, and a family of albino opossums – just to name a few. 

This afternoon I took the dog out and walked into the garage when I decided to check on my son’s toys. The door from the house to the garage was not closed tightly and I wondered if he had perhaps left a mess that might inadvertently result in one of his toys being run over or someone tripping. While looking on the far side of the garage I noticed that our blinds had fallen. Then I noticed a face looking back at me. 

A distinctly rodent face that looked too large to be a mouse but was shaped like one. It looked lighter in coloration so either an albino opossum child or a rat. The doleful and kindly eyes lead me to believe it was an opossum but I promptly moved to open the garage to let whatever it was escape – as it was clearly attempting to do through the window.

The garage door is open and I am now reflecting on what items will need to be brought in from the garage – which items I hope and pray have not been nibbled or burrowed in or soiled. Shoes, toys, golf clubs, my hope is that the little invader was only in there for the night and is just hungry and trying to find their way home to their family. Still the idea of some animal in and among my things uninvited makes me squirm. I do not like rodents and least of all rodents in my space and unexpectedly wreaking havoc in my home. Oh, yuck, yuck, yuck. 

I know it is we who are at fault as it must have wandered in while we were outside in the yard. I hope it did not make its own way into the garage as that opens up a whole new crop of items to address. Still if it has, we will deal with it and I am grateful to have learned this lesson so early and in the spring months. I am grateful that it was me who found the intruder and not one of my children who could have been scared or worse yet bitten just because they didn’t know the animal was there and scared it. I’m grateful that we have the ability to send the little beast on its way without harm. I’m grateful that we live in this area and delighted that nature always finds a way. 

I have been searching my lawn night and day these last few weeks hoping to catch a glimpse of a fox, coyote, deer, or opossum and the sweet little darlings brought the show to me. God has a sense of humor. These are the unexpected moments that truly make us feel alive and bring us into the present. There’s nowhere else to be when confronted with a furry faced friend in the dark of a garage. I hope it finds its way home safely. I hope I did not scare it too much with the noise of the garage door and yelling for my partner. I’m grateful for the lesson and will be glad to take it with me as we forge into spring – oh the gifts are many. I’m so glad we’re learning them now. 

What lessons has nature taught you recently? 

15 Simple Pleasures to Make Life Lovely

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I always love a new suggestion on how to make the sweet life sweeter. Especially in winter when the days are long and cold, it’s nice to be reminded of some very good things we don’t always remember to do. I compiled a list of small things I do to make life more lovely and hope you’ll try a few. I hope they bring as much simple joy and wholesome happiness to your days as they do to mine.

  1. Read a good book – A new read or an old favorite always puts me in a good mood.
  2. Take a bath – Not too hot in winter but warm and cozy, I double the delight by putting on a face mask or bringing my Italy towel with to turn bathing into a Korean spa.
  3. Make a hot cup of tea – Harney and Sons Raspberry tea is my absolute favorite. Add a teaspoon of honey for a sweet and lovely moment.
  4. Bake a batch of cookies – Whether you use the break apart type or whip something up from scratch nothing makes a space smell like home like a batch of fresh cookies.
  5. A good stretch – Even if all you know is child’s pose a few yogic stretches can get blood flowing and warm your body up. I love legs up the wall before bed, it helps improve circulation and isn’t too strenuous.
  6. Lotionize – In winter I make a point to keep my feet moisturized and soft by using a thick cream and then layering on cozy socks. Add a little lavender essential oil to your lotion for a heavenly aroma.
  7. Add peppermint or tea tree essential oils to your shampoo – I don’t wash my hair every day but on days I need a pick me up I add peppermint to my shampoo. Another trick my stylist just taught me is to add tea tree oil to get rid of winter dandruff or dry scalp.
  8. Call an old friend or a new one fit to make an old one out of – Science shows connection releases feel good endorphins oxytocin and serotonin. Call a good friend for a quick pick me up, it’s even better if you can share a laugh.
  9. Hug your knees, partner, or pet – A good cuddle and squeeze even as short a six seconds releases endorphins and has an immediate relaxing and calming effect. It benefits our health and even improves our sleep.
  10. Dance – even if it’s alone in your kitchen, pick your favorite jams and twirl yourself around the floor. 
  11. Make Yourself Your Favorite Meal – It doesn’t have to be complicated or fancy. Any meal that reminds you of childhood or a favorite memory can be special. Take your time and enjoy the process or prepare it for a friend and share the story of why this meal is special to you.
  12. Get creative – Even if it’s only for a few minutes, draw, color, or rearrange the furniture, whatever creative endeavor brings you joy give yourself some time to do it!
  13. Take a walk – Get outside into the weather and breathe deeply. A walk around your neighborhood or on a trail will always change your perspective and improve your mood. Shinrin-yoku, or Japanese forrest bathing, is a long practiced tradition for improving quality of life and health.
  14. Simplify Your Space – Research shows clutter can feel like a loss of control, especially for women. You don’t have to scour the baseboards but clearing off your desk or even a small part of your work space can feel freeing and invigorating.
  15. Purge – Even if you only set up a box for donations by your door and make a plan to place items inside of it. Getting rid of those pants that don’t fit or your tights with runs is freeing – you’re making space in your wardrobe and in your life for what comes next and that is powerful.

Let me know which of these you try and if you have any recommendations that I missed! I love learning and remembering new ways to create comfort and coziness at home.

Making a Home

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This week I am honoring my family and our home by investing my time and energy into making this space more sacred and beautiful. I am doing this by taking the time to strategize and plan, I am shopping online and not aimlessly for items we could never afford or might never use. I am searching intentionally for those pieces that will better serve our story and make our home more comfortable and lovely. I am happy with myself and my family for making comfort and connection our priorities.

We are creating space in the children’s playroom for slumber parties and a comfortable seating nook where they may read and relax in their own space. We are hanging artwork where our family gathers, these pieces may be small but they make our home feel more cozy, lived in and loved. These small steps, adding layers of fabrics, textures, and colors to our rooms make this home more hygge and make us all feel more at ease and able to unwind and relax.

Yesterday I felt my tether getting a little short. I felt overwhelmed by a weekend of events and not enough time to be alone and at peace. I was go-go-going and by dinner time on Sunday I could feel my patience slipping. I took a break, I went and meditated and instead of writing, I took my fresh self to my family. I invited my daughter to make dinner together – an idea she had suggested earlier in the day. I collaborated with her and she helped immensely by planning the meal, putting away dishes, and setting the table. She made our little life so lovely and I felt so pleased and proud of her. I also felt gratitude to myself. Instead of pushing through my boundary in order to be a martyr and “please,” others, I took a break. I left to recharge. And we had the most wonderful conversation over dinner. We all ate and were happy and it was so good. It could not have been such a joyful night if I had pushed myself beyond my breaking point. I needed to take care of myself before I could healthfully take care of anyone else. I am so glad I walked away and came back refreshed, rather than pushing myself beyond my limits.

My small and intentional act of choosing comfort is what I hope to create for my family in this house. As I search online and via Pinterest for my, “personal design style,” I am seeking images that feel comfortable and easy. I don’t want my home to look like a museum or a funeral home. I want people to feel at ease and safe. I want this home to hold our family and our guests in a cocoon of health and warmth. I want this space to feel welcoming and happy. I want there to be room for growth and beauty but more than these auspicious grecian ideals, I want a home where people come to feel both held and free. 

I have no interest in acquiring furniture that cannot be sat upon or pieces that may only be observed, never touched. I want to be proud of my home but I also want others to feel welcomed, like they are walking into a hug. I want this space to be where my children and their friends gather to play and rest. I want this to be the home where confidences are shared and everyone is their best selves, including me.

How do you make space for comfort in your home? What pieces in your collection bring you the most joy? How do you create hygge? 

Home

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Things that make a home to me. I am reflecting on what makes a home and the first thought that comes to mind is the people in it. Home is family and friends, it is late night conversations held in the dark, it is the tears of joy that come with good news, the laughter of surprise when a child shares their humor in a new way. Home is soft pillows, deep couches – so we all fit – and silly faces. Home is comfortable and simplicity. It is pieces that tell a story and spaces ready for memory making. Home is ease of access, where we are not climbing over obstacles to get what we want and need. Home is organized chaos and at least one junk drawer. Home is the luxurious bath we take alone and family dinners at a table surrounded by friends. It is sunsets and birdwatching, it is feeling comfortable but also feeling proud of the space in which we live.

Home is sharing the stories of ourselves and our relationships. Home is portraits and artifacts, it is ornaments we gather on our travels or art pieces that tell the stories of those we love. Home is a constantly evolving environment that serves the functions of life flawlessly and serves the imagination like a diving board, always ready for inhabitants and visitors to take the plunge. 

Home is where we gather, it is the one place where we share what is most important and valuable to us. Our home welcomes cousins, aunts, uncles, and neighbors. It is a safe haven for our extended family and a space where our children learn to be gracious hosts. It brings me so much joy to share a homemade meal at my table with those I love. It fills me on a deeper primal level to have enough food to share, enough seats at the table, and the joy and laughter to create a truly beautiful memory for myself, my family, and my guests. 

To me home is sacred because it implies security, stability, and whimsy. It suggests, garden walks, and low stone walls, porch sitting, sun tea, and laundry on the line. Home is where traditions are shared and started. It is how we come to be exactly who we are. Home fills us, nurtures, nourishes, and refreshes. It fills and fulfills, refreshes and releases. Home gives us a safe place to house our treasures and our most sacred dreams. It inspires the reading of good books, and the study of information. It gives us tables to plan our adventures and a safe landing place when we return. Home welcomes the stranger and the old friend alike. It tenderly embraces our animals and and our animal hearts. How lucky are we who have a home to return to at the end of the day. A place where we not only reside but live.

Moving Forward

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Right now we are house hunting – and really, who isn’t? So many of us purchased our homes with a certain lifestyle in mind, basically, “we’ll be here on holidays and weekend mornings.” The rush of our lives precluded us from ever settling or coming to rest in our residences. Now that our society is shifting away from activities outside of our homes and closer to our front doors we are all scuttling around like hermit crabs, quick to switch to the larger shell that gives us room to grow. 

We all want spaces to work, live, and play outdoors. A few weeks ago Saturday Night Live did an entire bit equating Zillow searching to pornography – and they’re not wrong. Looking at other people’s properties, even if they are just dream houses, still inspires us. The idea of a different life in another home, a little more elbow room to share each other’s company is all very exciting. Our homes are becoming not only where we live and rest, but also where we work, where our children study, and our animals monitor the comings and goings of the Prime truck.

The hunt for somewhere to belong is not just practical it is leading to some existential questions as well. Where are our people? Where do we belong? Our extended families are located here – but where does our nuclear family fit? These are big questions and it is such a relief to not be the only ones having these difficult conversations. Talking with friends who are going through the same challenges has left me feeling supported and like we are not the only ones searching, not just for a home but for our community and our place in a new world. With an opportunity now to live and work anywhere it begs the question – who are we and where are our people?

As we all come out from our shells and (vaccinated) go back out into the world, where we call home is meaningful. Our homes connect us to those places we value, those people who have helped us get through this year, and we realize not only the value of close friends, family, support networks, but also of supporting our local businesses and those community resources that have sustained us through this pandemic. 

We know much more about the disease now, and we know who we can and cannot depend upon in our lives. The people who stepped up, who reached out, and who helped sustain us will be our friends for life. And finding a home surrounded by a larger community that feels like home, that supports us, grounds us, and gives us room to dream of who we will be next is our good fortune. 

As we continue looking I wonder what have you found most valuable in your home? What fixes have brought you comfort and joy? What updates are you looking to make? Or if you’re looking, what is most important for your next home to have?