Tag: joy

Prolonging Happiness

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According to positive psychology research Joy is a temporary emotion – something brought about by a singular moment or situation that sparks a momentary lift in emotional satisfaction. Whereas happiness is more sustainable, an emotion we can prolong for a stretch of time. We can feel happiness over minutes rather than just seconds. In order to prolong happiness we must first prime the pump, or get into the habit of feeling happy. 

To feel happiness more regularly we must first familiarize ourselves with the experience. When we get comfortable and aware of what makes us happy we ready ourselves to engage, experience, and eventually prolong happiness. We begin by noticing and paying attention to what makes us happy so that we may attune our attention to it.

Often when we talk about happiness we remember brief moments in time. It could be a night out dancing with friends, a child’s laugh, the euphoria of dating someone special. These are all delightful and serendipitous events that we can’t necessarily plan for – simply because all of these moments are joy. Happiness however, that more sustainable sensation, can be created through deliberate choice making and attentiveness. 

We are attentive to our happiness when we stay in it. We don’t distract ourselves or “forbade joy,” which Brenee Brown describes as staring at a peaceful child sleeping or watching an idyllic scene from a movie and anticipating something horrible happening. To be clear, foreboding joy is a natural inclination and something that we all experience. We do it because our happiness in that moment is so great that we fear loosing it. Therefore, we imagine the end of that happiness. Despite that preparation being of no use to us and costing us the loss of the very real happiness of that moment. To avoid slipping out of happiness and into fear, anger, or any other strong emotion the key is to first stay in gratitude. 

Staying in gratitude when things are good is the first step to sustaining happiness. Gratitude allows us to linger in that blissful sensation of peace and serenity. As we experience prolonged happiness or even just a burst of joy it is important to notice what is happening. Are we talking to a good friend or preparing a homemade meal we enjoy? Being aware of our bodies and selves in those moments helps us notice the signs.

Think back over the last week and write down the moments that brought you the most joy. Maybe you bought a new sweater or made a fresh batch of cookies for dessert. These don’t have to be major accomplishments. Sometimes our favorite song comes on the radio and that’s enough! When that happens write it down. When you have a list of five or ten moments of joy review the list. What, if anything those moments have in common?

Now that you have your list, you have a place to start. How can you create at least one more moment of happiness in the next day, week, month? These are simple opportunities where you can incorporate happiness into your life. If all of your moments are around food, could you make a meal at home and amplify the sensation? If your happiest moments are around friends, could you schedule a gathering monthly so you not only enjoy fun in the moment but also the happiness of looking forward to gathering? Come up with your own ideas and give yourself the gift of happiness. 

Incorporating happiness and prolonging happiness improves the quality of our days and lives. How can you enhance the quality of your own life today? If you need more ideas on recognizing happiness, we have some other creative happiness tips here.

How Does Happiness Feel to You?

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Let’s share a meditation today. Simply copy down the headers and write your own responses. I’ve included my answers for inspiration. I’m excited for you to use this tool to bring you into the present moment and more in touch with yourself. The goal is figure out how happiness feels to you so you can add more of it to your daily life.

Look

To me, happiness looks like a luxuriously appointed room, with panoramic views of trees, wildlife, and gardens. They could be oceans, lakes or mountains but the glory of wide open spaces is mine to enjoy. I have time and freedom to savor it. To me, happiness looks like I have space to myself, peace, and the promise of adventure.

Feel 

Happiness feels soft like throw pillows, cozy fireplaces, and hot tea. It feels serene and gentle, like my dog at my feet. It feels expansive and as if I do not need to strive but I may settle, be at ease and rest.

Taste

It tastes like hot chocolate and delicious meals that feed, fuel, nourish and surprise me. Rich flavors that feed my soul and my heart’s longing for fulfillment and adventure.

Smell

Happiness smells like a new book and typewriter tape. It smells like ink, sea salt, and sunset. The lush abundance of freshly mown grass and ripe summer peaches. It smells wholesome and rich, tender and calm.

Sound

It sounds like a fireplace crackling. Happiness sounds like woodland walks on secluded paths. To me it is symphony music and the effervescent bubbles of champagne. 

That is what happiness feels like for me. And reading it over, most of it includes activities I share with my dog. So maybe, for me, happiness is life with my trusty pup. How lucky are we to live in a world with dogs?

Did you try the exercise? How does happiness feel for you? 

Friendsgiving

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Our friends are packing up and making their ways to our home as I type. We started cooking last night and prepared all of the dishes in advance. I am about to pop downstairs to put out the appetizers. Everything else is warmed, the house is clean, and it’s time to get dressed. I am feeling this urge to wear clothes that are not for going out but for staying cozy at home. I suspect that I feel this way because I am finally spending time with people who feel like true friends. This Friendsgiving I am eager and excited but I am also calm and comfortable. 

Sharing my space with people who I like and admire feels good. We’re setting the tone for days to come – intentionally choosing our company, our relationships, and to honor ourselves before we honor obligations. It can be tricky this time of year!

The day has been wonderful and fulfilling. To be surrounded by those that mean the most to me and to share this time with them is invaluable. And I am grateful. It is a gift to have time for meditation that puts me in the exact right frame of mind and I am grateful for my partner who helps, leads, and loves with the purest and most beautiful heart. Although my children are full of excited and frenetic energy this afternoon they are also full of thoughtful gestures like reading together. If you’re wondering it’s, “The boy, the Mole, the Horse, and the Fox,” it is a perfect day for that book. If you haven’t yet, I hope you’ll read it!

It snowed this morning, my eldest put Christmas music on for the first time this season and we are about to have company over – I cannot wait. What a gift to be here and now, present and imperfect in this moment. I am sending my hugs and hopes that this season lands gently. That you enjoy everything as you wish and you honor yourself first. Celebrating the season however you see fit and in whatever way brings you contentment and joy.

Shift Your Perspective on Limitless Resources

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This morning as I wrote my morning pages my world just split open with a new idea. The idea itself isn’t new but the concept is a fresh one and I’d love to share it with you. What if, like undressing at the end of a long day, we took off all of our obligations. What if we simply stepped out of our roles – even the prospect blew my hair back. The thought left me feeling expansive, lighter, free. So let me walk you through the process. 

Imagine what life might be like if you removed all of the responsibilities and obligations you have for caring for others, including yourself. What if you took a break from the roles you hold? How much space and time might that open up for you. What might you do with that expansiveness?

Let’s start with taking off our roles – imagine you had staff to manage your household. Someone to clean, cook, and manage your home. No need to discuss landscaping or grocery shop, no need to tidy or fold or dust. All of these duties are no longer yours. 

Imagine you had a caregiver to manage the needs of your family. Someone who juggled school schedules, uniforms and dress codes, field trip permission forms, pick up and drop off. Someone who shuttled your children to their various engagements, practices and lessons. You still get to be their parent who loves and supports them but the rest is gone. All of their squabbles and the daily management of whereabouts and requirements are all gone. 

Imagine your social schedule is managed by a personal assistant. They handle birthday presents for your parents, RSVP’s and calendar management, scheduling and orchestrating the business of day to day life. This person assures that your schedule brings you optimal joy and success. Never does a birthday go unacknowledged or a thank you note get lost in the mail. You are the first to RSVP to weddings, baptisms, and showers. You are able to be the friend and family member you have always wanted to be because the labor of this work is no longer on your shoulders alone. 

Imagine you are free of responsibilities for employment or financial gain or wellbeing. Wealth is plentiful and you no longer need consider the cost or the investment. You don’t need to analyze health plans or become an overnight expert on finances to complete your taxes. These tasks are managed to your optimal benefit and success. You no longer need take the time to micromanage your finances or your plans in order to create cost savings or produce profit. You are free. 

Now, if this imaginative state is not enough to blow your socks off, imagine what would you do with all of the time you have left. If instead of buzzing from one duty or task to the next you could simply, be, exist, experience. Now, what would you do? What might you have time for? Where might your focus be? What would you and your partner talk about over dinner if logistics were no longer on the table? Could you talk about joy? Passion projects? Would you still complain or nitpick? Of course, there will always be challenges but the joy – the very real joy is in the imagining. It is in the wondering – what might you do with yourself, with your time? How might you live? 

Would you go to Wimbledon? Take painting classes? Try out for a play? What adventures would you go on? Would you swim under a waterfall in Fiji? Would you fold your children’s laundry or write love letters to your spouse – not because you “had to,” but as a labor of love? What would your life look like if it wasn’t full of these tasks and to do items that take up so much of our days? 

For instance, I once read a post on Instagram from a cellist who was hired by Richard Branson to play for him. She performed while he played tennis with a former head of state. She was flown to his private island, housed, fed, and compensated for playing music while he played tennis. The idea just blew my mind. He could have played cello music on a sound system but instead he chose this indulgence for his afternoon’s delight and that of his guest. When you think about it, there are heads of state, dignitaries, business owners, and leaders across the globe who have access to staff, personal or professional, to remove these obstacles from their daily lives. It is this assistance that gives them the freedom to focus on passion projects, work, and goals.

This lifestyle exists, it is not impossible. It may be a far reach for many of us – but even the small act of imagining powerful. It allows us to consider what we might do if we had that access, those resources. If we had the ability to focus solely on what we most want to do and everyone around us conspired for our success – I wonder who we might shape the world differently? How would you change the world? And I mean this in a very small way – none of us is responsible to reshape history on our own. But how would you change your world? How would you shift your attention and what would you do with limitless time, energy, and resources?  

Abundance Mindset

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How shifting our focus can change our lives.

I am returning to a reflection on abundance. Lately I feel as if I have been living in fear and fear causes our minds to shrink. That’s not accurate, fear causes our attention to hyper focus and so instead of seeing the multitude of options we see only escape routes. Our instinctual fight, flight, or freeze responses shift us from an abundance mindset to fear. And fear only sees the immediate necessities. Which is what enables us to make snap decisions in fear but not always the best decisions. 

The Opposite of fear

An abundance mindset is almost the opposite of fear. This perspective relaxes us and enables us to see not just the next step but all of our options. Abundance teaches us that we do not need one solution or strategy, there are so many options to choose from. With an abundance mindset we see plentiful resources, a multitude of paths and strategies. We are not trapped and seeking the quickest escape, we are surrounded by bounty and we have the luxury of tasting it all.

Abundance reminds us that we are not in danger, there is time, and there is enough for us all. The abundance of stars, plants, trees, and grains of sand are only physical examples of the bounty within the universe and on our planet. New people are born every day, new ideas and discoveries made, and the opportunities for us forever multiplying. More books are being written than we could ever read and more puppies being born than we could ever pet. There is so much in the world for us to enjoy. There is enough for all of us.

Changing Our Lives

Shifting my mindset to abundance gives me the space to create and breathe with ease. I am not in a rush. That which is meant for me will find me, it will not pass me by. Just as I am seeking my goals, my goals are seeking me. I am doing the exact right thing and I am making the right choices. My only responsibility is to step towards my goals so that they may also step toward me.

The more grateful we are for what we have, the more we invite abundance to help us grow. As our perspectives become more expansive we allow ourselves to become wealthy in opportunities, joy, connection, and health. In abundance we see a plethora of options and we get to select those things that please us most.

For more on abundance and a fabulous scone recipe pop over… Sorry, I couldn’t resist the bakery pun.

Surround Yourself with Support

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I am sharing the news of our home purchase with my close and dear friends – it feels so good to share with this news with the people I like and admire. I’m grateful to be living in this place and to be sharing my joy with people I genuinely like. It feels so good to share my happiness and to not feel as if I have to temper it or play it down in order to make someone else feel better. I can rejoice openly with friends who honestly want what is best for me and I am noticing those friends with whom I am second guessing my choices to share this happy news. 

The people who can only offer half-hearted support. The people who are going through their own trials may not be able to give support and that is ok. I am not going to weed these people out of my life but I am paying attention to which friends are going through something themselves and those who perhaps view our relationship as a competition. It is a gift to share this joy and being deliberate in who I share joy with is just as important as the choice to share pain or sorrow.

I am realizing that sharing joy is much like sharing pain – we must be selective with whom we share opportunities and our woes. Not everyone is able to give unquestioning support. Not everyone has enough to give to others. We are all on different journeys in this life. We are all sharing the path for but a short while, we must be as good to one another as we can manage, give what we can and go on. I am not lingering. I am open right now only to those people with whom I can celebrate and share both the highs and lows of life without reservation. I am opening the windows to let in the light and only the light. 

I am becoming selfish. Selfish with my time, my energy, my resources. I am only sharing what limited energies I have that are extra. I simply do not have energy for those people that are not my people. We all know those dementors and vampires that wish to suck the life or joy out of the room or others. The people with deep wells of need that long to absorb whatever light or grace you have to give. I simply do not have room for that sort of person in my life anymore. I am moving on, I am moving forward, I am walking with grace and only taking with me those that share my calling. 

Each of us travels a difficult path, I cannot walk my path and yours. I can only walk this journey the best way I know how and that includes being kind to myself first, loving myself first, and in order to do that to the best of my abilities I need to distance myself from that which drains me. When I do this I can give time and space to all the things that fill me up.

For me it is meditation, hot tea, reading good books, painting, writing, and petting my dog. I love walks in the evening and I have rediscovered my love for playing basketball in the driveway. I love friendships that enrich my life and sustain me – I love quality time with the people who love and support me. I am grateful. Truly deeply, grateful that I have learned so much and now know that I do not have to waste my time in relationships I’m not so sure about or people who make me question what I already know. I only have time for friends that feel like cool water, people who refresh and revive me. 

Those dear souls that reawaken my interest in life and guide me to new discoveries. Those sacred and wonderful people who give me life and do not take what they are not willing to give back in return. How lucky am I to have survived the false and feeling friendships of my twenties to come away with some real, true gems that I plan to carry with me for many years to come. 

It takes a lot of work to sift through the sand to find those good people that not only make life bright and beautiful, but to know how to invest in them and in yourself enough to keep those friendships going for the long haul. What a blessing experience is, it teaches us so much that we finally reach a place where we know the lesson. How wonderful it is to be in this place in life – I’m proud to have made it this far. And I’m grateful to overcome all that I have to reach this place. The view is grand and I am grateful to be here to see it – not everyone who starts the journey gets to reach this peak. We are the lucky ones.

What do you do that fills you up best? How do you take care of yourself by nurturing healthy and mutually supportive relationships?

Planning Your Joy: A Roadmap

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I want talk about the wisdom of Michelle Obama. “You have to plan you joy,” these words spoke to my soul and I hope it does to yours too. My time is often eaten up by obligations, duties, and expectations. Weekends falling victim to “to-do” lists and events. And before I can blink the year is done and I have done so many things for other people, groups, and associations but I haven’t spared a second for myself. I have failed to give myself time to nurture, nourish, and grow my own passion projects, interests or even my own self-care.

This year I tried something new, I scheduled monthly meetings with my long-distance friends. Those circles and people that I don’t see often but miss and want in my life. Here we are in December and I have rarely missed or re-scheduled these events simply because in January they were the first things I put onto my calendar. Seeing success with these endeavors I am going to apply this strategy to some other areas of my life. I am going to take this experience and Michelle Obama’s wisdom and use them both to enhance and improve my own life. I’m sharing my roadmap so you can too!


Planning my joy – I’m going to break this down into smaller bites.

Time for myself – These are what Julia Cameron calls “Artist Dates.” Dates that you don’t share with anyone else. You don’t take your kids or partner, you don’t turn it into errand running or a task. It is simply time just for yourself to have fun. The time is designed to spark your creativity and feed your inner artist. Naturally I am going to start by scheduling a couple hours at least once a week to do something that I am excited about and that interests me and this is just for me, a special treat, an experience that feeds my soul and fuels my creativity. I am starting with a class, open studio, something structured otherwise I procrastinate!

Partner Quality Time – Date-night is Thursdays at our house. I’m on the hunt for a babysitter to make these nights more special and meaningful for my partner and myself. We each need a night off dinner duty and a break from the monotony of routine. I have these dates on our calendar and they are refueling our relationship. Making time to get out and try something new together breathes new life into our union.

Kiddos – Once a week dates with each kid. This may be as simple as completing a craft together. But I often find that when I am in the midst of chaos my children will come to me with a fairly large request – “Will you help me make a quilt?” And while I would love to do this if I had the time, I am often in the middle of preparing a family meal or about to hop in the shower when this request comes in. So I’m carving out time for each child where we can read, go on a walk, or have a picnic lunch and go to the park. Now I can enjoy making beautiful memories with my children while they still want to spend time with me. And hopefully we’ll make it a habit that they never out-grow.

Family time – I’m starting with a once a month family adventure. I find that the memories I enjoy most are when we go somewhere new as a family and try something different. Just a day trip to somewhere nearby is all it takes to inspire us and bring us closer together. We play and learn together and because the experience is new to all of us, no one is bored, and no one is in charge. We are all on this adventure together and that’s the part that is most thrilling. My goal is also to share responsibility for this time – each person gets a month to choose what our activity will be. This will hopefully democratize the process so we don’t end up only going where one person wants and everyone gets an opportunity to pitch in and share a topic, place, or adventure that they want to try. I will let you know how this goes!

Time with Friends – I always love time with friends but I rarely plan it into my schedule. Therefore, I am adding a night out with friends monthly. Perhaps one date a month is a double date night. Or meeting a friend on their back porch for cocktails and we exchange spouses for the evening so each partner gets an adventure. There’s a lot of good that comes of time with friends. 

I’m also planning a dinner party a month. In the midst of COVID I have forgotten how to host. I have missed leisurely all day brunches, sporting event parties, and potlucks. I’m excited to stretch my hosting muscles again and get back into the kitchen and eating appetizers with friends while dinner cooks. I’m excited to make dining an adventure that we undertake together. I’m excited to get back to living.

What are you most excited about? What other tips do you have for making fun a part of your regularly scheduled activities and daily life? How do you make time for yourself and the relationships that really matter?

Finding Peace in Stillness

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I am not accomplishing anything, I am not planning my next steps I am simply here. There is sunlight pouring in through the open window. A cool fall breeze blows through the trees and all I see is open sky and leaves. Life is so beautiful in the fall. We had an exterminator come this morning. A few little mice attempted to join us as roommates this season and we are not here for that – we are not a hotel. How glorious it was to be outside in the fresh air. We walked around the house, chatted with someone new, and just absorbed the light and loveliness of a fall day. 

For lunch we grilled steaks outside and sliced them for baguette sandwiches with cartelized onions and a cream sauce of my own invention. It was a lovely meal. The perfect day to cook outdoors and share some good food. So often in the week we get moving and sucked into the hustle and bustle of agendas and tasks, the current of activities sweeping away the precious moments we have to share and enjoy as a family. It is so nourishing and deeply satisfying to take this time to meditate. To absorb and process all of the emotions we are feeling, the sensations rushing through our senses, and to really pause and reflect on all that we are and hand in this moment. 

Planning for the future is wonderful, adding to our list of duties is bound to happen. But sitting still and just absorbing the loveliness of this moment, this place, and nowhere else. That is a glorious gift. This sweet little time in which I am doing nothing but chewing the salty sweet goodness of a chocolate shortbread cookie, gazing over at the space in the sun where light is beaming through the window and onto the carpet. I think I will transition over there and bask in the sunlight as a cat might. Simply stretching and absorbing the bounty and beauty of this moment. That’s what I am going to do and nothing more, nothing less, than everything I want. 

How do you find stillness in your daily life? Does it feel like an obligation or a reward for you?

Happy New Year, Diwali Squirrels

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On Saturday mornings I go to the woods… well actually it’s a cemetery, but there are woods surrounding it. This counts, in my book. Today the woods are quiet, the past few weeks the wind and trees were raining leaves and sounds through the world. Today only a few hardy leaves drift down to the tree floor carpeted in natural debris. Tree trunks rise up like skeletons, bones deprived of beauty and ornamentation… one cemetery reference and this is where the imagery takes you!

The sun is shining and today I am just overwhelmed with sticky gratitude. Joy for the seasons change, the thrill of sighting of wild animal in their habitat.

Last week I watched a squirrel skitter up the side of a tree and dive down into a pile of leaves repeatedly. Each time recklessly flinging itself into the rustling leaves then flashing to the tree bark to make sure I had not used its distraction as an opportunity to close the distance between us. The exercise was repeated for several minutes until it determined I was not a bloodthirsty predator hungry for squirrels and felt bold enough to cuss me out. I got the point and walked on leaving it to enjoy the fall without having to keep looking over its shoulder.

Today is Diwali and after last night’s celebrations, fireworks, chai, samosas, and good friends, it truly feels like New Year’s Day. I’m sleepy, reflective, and hungover but in a satisfying way that is the essence of mid-30’s life. In this new year I hope to live more wildly and wholeheartedly. To follow the example of a foul mouthed squirrel and dare to have fun, even in the face of unknown danger. I want to live for the moment and if a negative force looms tell it to move on in no uncertain terms. There is fun to be had here and I am going to live it!

Isn’t that what visiting cemeteries is all about anyway?