Tag: self-care

Preemptive Self-care

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Taking care of my full self requires a multi-layered approach. This is not just exercise and rest, rinse and repeat. To take care of ourselves is not an afterthought or side hustle. It’s investing the same energy and attention we might give to a beloved pet or family member. We invest attention, energy, and resources into care and feeding of others. We deserve to do the same things for ourselves.

Oftentimes we run ourselves ragged – traveling for work, meeting the needs of family and friends, investing our time in activities that deplete us. It’s easy to do – our culture offers innumerable opportunities to entertain, distract, or sell us something. Making time to focus on deeply caring for our bodies and ourselves has become an intentional act. 

Caring for myself I like to start with basics. What does my daily routine look like and how could it better serve me? Am I losing time to scrolling and finding myself short on time later in the day? Yes. Completely, yes. Then I need to make a point to get to bed at a reasonable hour. That means a good night’s rest.

The next piece I notice is that I’m eating later in the morning, which gives my metabolism a late start. The best way to shift that is to eat earlier. That means meal planning. Outlining what I’m going to eat the day before, or even the week ahead (particularly when it comes to dinner time), is an investment in my wellbeing. 

We’re only two steps in and you’ll notice we’re talking about planning ahead, not aftercare. This is not recovery after you’ve already run yourself ragged. It’s noticing your patterns and taking the necessary steps to rearrange your day so that it works best for you. It can be incredibly frustrating to find yourself out of groceries or running late. But what if instead of finding fault in a single day you found a new routine that better suits your rhythms? Scheduling breaks when you need to rest keeps you from doom scrolling for half an hour. We all know our devices leave us mentally drained. As opposed to resting which allows us to come back refreshed and rejuvenated. 

The strategies above might not work for every person. But I have found that when I take the urgency out of making a quick decision now, I make better choices. It’s hard to decide what our next right thing is when we’re hungry, tired, or worn out. When I feel better I get make a healthful decision with future me in mind. Being intentional in my choices my days go a lot more smoothly.

When I make the time for myself, I decide when and how I need to be taken care of best. Investing my energy to make that happen I just feel better. I am better equipped to meet my own needs and that leaves me feeling more relaxed, happier, healthier, and pleased with the quality of my life. Small changes really do make a big difference! Let me know what you’ve tried recently that simply made your life better in the comments.

Give Yourself the Gift of More Rest

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I have been feeling somewhat under the weather lately, nothing more than a little fall cold. As my immune system goes into battle it brings to mind the phrase – starve a fever, feed a cold. Has anyone else heard this old saying? For me it always makes me crave wonton soup. Because whenever I am not feeling well the last thing I want to do is cook. So it’s takeout for me so I can give myself the gift of more rest.

That said, as we’re heading into cold and flu season let me first remind you to get your flu shot and any boosters due. Take care of yourself and your health first. Secondly, rest. Typically when I start feeling sick I rush to get a ton of items off of my to do list. My worry over how long I’ll be feeling unwell and not wanting to be without any needed supplies leads to a surge of activity. I’m ordering groceries, preparing large meals so there’s something left to freeze, shooting off emails, and ordering tea. These are all helpful steps but sometimes what we need is not to rush headlong into exhaustion, on top of not feeling our best. 

The most generous gif the can give ourselves when we start feeling a little down is rest. To lay down, put on a movie and cuddle up on the couch. You don’t have to solve every problem or take care of every little detail (your Christmas list will write itself when the time comes). Just cozy yourself, grab a blanket, a good book, and fall asleep reading it. 

Look, I’m not a doctor but I do know that when your body is fighting off illness one of the best things you can do for it is give it the energy it needs. Order Chinese, eat some hot soup, and sleep it off. I don’t know the science to it but it will help you to feel better. I’ll look up the science too if that will make you feel better. After you read it, take a good long nap. Get a little rest tonight, go to be early, have a good sleep. And see if everything doesn’t look just a little bit better in the morning, your Christmas list included. 🙂

Taking Care

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“Treating ourselves like precious objects makes us strong,” according to Julia Cameron. This has been a week of taking care of myself. It’s small things really. Little gifts that enhance the quality of life for the better. Buying myself flowers at the grocery store. I bought dahlia’s and floral cabbages from Canada and put them into an arrangement. I purchased the foods I like to eat – the delicious treats that I don’t often allow myself because I am purchasing something for someone else. Or buying what someone else likes instead of what pleases me. I’ve noticed somethings – first of all, I’m happier. I like my choices and it feels good to be taking care of myself first. The other bit I did not suspect or anticipate – everyone else in my house is happier too. 

I picked up sushi because it delights me. It’s a little pricey so we don’t have it all the time. However, because I got some for myself, I was also able to share some with my family. Everyone was in a better mood. I got to feel like a benevolent goddess for sharing and everyone else was pleased and surprised. Today, I made a caprese salad platter for lunch. I had enough to share and the entire family ended up eating it together. It wasn’t a super fancy indulgence, we had tomatoes, salami, and I picked up bread and a nice mozzarella. I tell you this because it wasn’t like I dropped $400 at the store on expensive treats. I just bought small things to compliment what we already had and it brought us all together.

Not one person these past few days has complained about the meal. No one has decided to “Make a sandwich.” Instead of eating dinner. Everyone is happier when I share some of the delectable delights that I had intended to enjoy on my own. This was not an intentional experiment. It wasn’t some grand idea or strategy. It was simply a desire to meet my own needs. A recognition that so many of us don’t know what we like because we are so focused on pleasing other people. We do this so often and so thoroughly that we don’t even know what we like. And that made me sad. It made we want to know more about myself and what brings me joy. And it turns out that when I take better care of me – I’m actually taking care of everyone else. 

It’s like that parenting adage that if you want to help your children, get yourself to therapy. The answer is not in healing them or fixing some outside issue. The answer to to heal yourself first. Meet your needs so that others don’t have to bear the burden of your lack. Give yourself an abundance of love and empathy so that when others come to you there is an abundance of love, support, and energy already filling you up. Only when you are full are you able to give. So if you need me I’ll be planning my own vacation and making more time to paint. The good of the world rests on my shoulders and I am not one to shirk responsibility. I hope you make some time to do some good and wonderful things for yourself too!

Be Your Own Hero

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What we choose to focus on and give our attention to will be our perspective. If we fixate on what offends us that is all we will see in the world. Much like when watching television you are in control of the channel. If you don’t like what’s on, you have the right and the responsibility to change it. Choose your your viewpoints rather than be pressed or depressed by them. Norah Ephron wrote, “Always be the heroine of your own story, never the victim.”

We often get caught up in the idea of a knight in shining armor. A Robin Hood, that will waltz in at the right moment to save us from our fates. But as President Obama once said, “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” It’s us. We are the ones who are going to have to do the work of saving ourselves and of making our own lives more beautiful.

The first step is looking honestly at your life and deciding if there is something you can change. If you have conflict that is hurting your heart it’s ok to take a break. A quick way to know if this is happening is to check your text messages – if the top five conversations contain negative comments or complaints you have a choice to make. You can choose to continue to feel victimized by the situation or you can choose to get out of it. 

The fist step is to decide you want to do something differently. It is both as easy and as hard as it sounds. I am a firm believer that you can run away from your problems. If a particular group or friend feels as if they are taking more from you than they are giving back it’s ok to walk away. It is also ok to take space and time to heal before you return to that relationship, if you ever do. If you’re unsure I would encourage a cooling off period. This will give you time to assess, reflect, and calm down before you make a decision. The answer is already in you.

Setting boundaries is one excellent way that you can keep someone in your life while also getting your needs met. Boundaries exist to assure that we all feel safe and supported in our relationships. When someone gives you a boundary they are telling you that they want you in their lives and this is one way in which they can see that happening. 

Another great way to shift your perspective is to talk to a therapist or counselor, someone who can give you the tools to process your emotions and work through your feelings. You don’t need to inform others if you choose therapy. Though it has become somewhat a badge of honor these days. The work you do with your therapist or counselor is private and personal. They are able to provide the care that you need to heal or locate the root of your issue. It’s easy to keep having the same fight, it’s a lot harder to determine what situations feel unsafe or undesirable to you. With therapy and boundaries you may be able to heal and find a healthy way to engage with others.

Life can be hard but it is also a lovely and beautiful experience. If you’re feeling more miserable than joyful it’s a good idea to talk with someone you trust. There may be a medicinal solution that works for you or a therapeutic treatment that enables you to live the life you want that includes the people and experiences you want most in your life. When we choose to take care of ourselves we choose joy. And when we feel joyful, healed, and healthy we start to draw the right people, situations, and events into our lives. I can thinking of nothing more heroic than that.

Honor Your Aura

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I recently had lunch with a friend who happened to notice my aura. He observed that mine is white. Later I looked up what a white aura means. White auras are the rarest hue. They indicate someone who is typically calm and who may be impressionable or at risk of taking on the energies of others. To honor your aura you first have to know what it is! To find what color your aura is you can try this technique.

I experienced a great test of that white aura energy absorption recently. Today we had some work done on our house. The dog was protective and his anxious energy flooded into me. After a few hours I noticed how worn down and exhausted I became just interacting with others.

Some say we get truly tired when we are doing too much of what we don’t want to do and not feeding our passions. Others believe that it depends on our personality type. If we are naturally introverted being among other people can drain us, more than being in solitude. As many of us juggle jobs, schedules, and social engagements it is worth considering what serves us. Evaluating if you require more time alone or at home. Do you feed off of the energy of others or does it exhaust you?

There is no right answer for all of us. And most of us exist on a spectrum. The benefits of taking time to consider and evaluate what feels healthiest to you. Do you feel your best when you are engaged with others or do you thrive when left alone? I notice that I need more time alone to reflect, work, and create independently. Whether my aura is white or not, it takes a lot out of me to be around crowds or groups. Therefore, I try to limit those gatherings to shorter time periods and frequency. I also try to keep my surroundings familiar and comfortable.  

There are always situations we can’t control – the dog freaking out, a traffic delay, or even consuming media that leaves us more drained than filled. Giving ourselves space and time to feel our feelings, discern our comfort levels, and make space for community or solitude will better serve us. To honor your aura and create environments were we can grow in a sustainable way. Paying attention to our energy and what we need most makes all of our environments healthier and more nurturing. 

How do you guard your energy? What strategies do you employ to help yourself thrive and not feel overwhelmed by other people’s energy? 

You Are Enough

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My offering today is not to direct or instruct but to share some hard-won wisdom. You are enough exactly as you are. You have all of the skills, talents, and experiences required to do everything that needs to be done. Even as we strive to grow and improve, never forget that you are completely perfect, exactly as you are right now. You are enough.

It is necessary and important to take care of yourself and to take your time. There is no race. There is no accomplishment that is more valuable or necessary than your own personal wellness and wellbeing. Taking care of your needs first – if that is mental health, doctors appointments, or just taking a break – these are your priorities. There is no power in exhaustion or depletion. And it does not serve you to do too much. Trust that those you are surrounded by may be relied upon. Let others lift you up and support you. Give other people the opportunity to surprise, delight, and share their gifts with you. 

Let yourself do less. So often our culture of consumption guides us to do more, be more productive, purchase more goods, be involved in more projects. But the answers lie in less. Consume less. Do less. Be involved in fewer things. Give yourself space and time to rest, to learn, to gather your thoughts before you push yourself to accomplish or acquire one more thing. Let yourself be done. Let yourself have enough. What you have is ok. You are enough as you are one this moment. And you don’t need to change, develop, learn or grow any more. Be satiated. Be satisfied. And let yourself enjoy the pleasure of arriving exactly as you are, where you are, right now. 

Reciprocity: Capacity vs. Desire

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Today I want to write about capacity. The desire our children or partners, employers or friends may place upon us for more. This could be asking for time, energy, bandwidth, or attention – all of it is their desire. There is our ability to meet their need or potentially find that we lack the capacity to meet that need. It can feel like failure when someone brings us needs that we cannot fulfill – particularly when we want to help. In healthy relationships we may wish to grow ourselves in order to be a better match for our companions.

First, let’s look at this from the perspective of boundaries and what is appropriate. Other people may make requests of us. Namely our children, friends, or partners, with whom we are in healthy and reciprocal relationships may ask us to grow. Relationships built upon trust and healthy boundaries. In these relationships we may occasionally be asked to rise to the occasion – which we may choose or choose not to do. It is important to remember this as a decision. 

We may demonstrate either our willingness to rise or our decisiveness to decline. Assessing this opportunity might lead us to recognize that the stakes for this ask are too high. Or the request may be outside of our willingness to give. It is possible for us to increase our capacity. It is possible to choose to step forward into a new comfort zone. However the decision must be made willingly, not due to pressure from others.

Choices to increase our capacity include seeking counseling, therapy, reading self-help materials or engaging proactively in self-work. The choice to work through our own traumas, emotions, and rebuild or destroy bridges is a heavy one. This is not light lifting or easy work. It is necessary work only if we want to meet those we love where they are and feel ready to do so. Not simply because we want to be able to meet their needs and expectations of us. 

To raise your capacity requires digging in to the difficult work of self-care and self-love. It means taking ownership for your role in the care and nurturing of your personal energy and needs. It also means being willing to be more vulnerable and open to the people we love. 

I cannot stress strongly enough the necessity of only doing this work for and with professional guidance and only in healthy relationships. This work is not meant to support co-dependence. These are not matters that you can resolve by working on yourself alone. But if you want to give more and feel you can’t without help, that is when you may choose to invest time, energy, and resources in working through the deeply impactful challenges you have faced in life. 

We all have the capacity to give. The ability to look deeply at our histories and learn more about our own healing and growth exists. Choosing to do so is an option. You may wish to increase your capacity as a loving devotion to yourself and your loved ones. Do not tear open old wounds in an attempt to demonstrate martyrdom. You will only re-traumatize yourself and this is an act of violence on your own tender heart.

When someone asks you for more than you are comfortable giving that may be an attempt to subvert your boundaries. It is totally appropriate not to make changes to yourself if you don’t want to do this. Hold your boundaries and only give what you are comfortable sharing. Do not go out of your way to meet another person’s needs, simply because they ask, or demand, or will whine or complain. Your work is not to make yourself miserable for the benefit of someone else. Relationships between adults are meant to be reciprocal and it is not your role to sacrifice your personal wellbeing or health to accommodate anyone else. Anyone who attempts to center themselves at a cost to you is not asking for love or support. They are asking you to sacrifice your welling being for theirs. This is not an appropriate or reasonable ask.

Choose to increase your capacity on your own terms. Choose to do so in order to come to the world a more honest, full, and complete version of yourself. Increase capacity so that you have more to give yourself first. Listen and trust yourself. Set and hold your boundaries. It is ok to be willing to grow in order to be a better person, parent, or partner. But let being better for yourself be your first reason. Your heart will know the difference and the gift is that much better when it comes from your heart and not from a place of control.

Guided Meditation

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Stress is a common part of modern life. Perhaps it’s one topic or several but when we’re overwhelmed we’re not our best selves. And that’s ok, one great way to ground ourselves and get calm is through a guided meditation. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to do everything on your own. As Ina Garten reminds us, “Store bought is fine.”

We start by not holding ourselves to an impossible standard. Instead let someone else guide you toward the calm or frame of mind you wish to embody. Relinquish control and the self-imposed responsibility to be perfect. Spoiler – none of us are perfect. So on days when things are feeling particularly chaotic or you’re feeling overwhelmed with emotions or demands let go. Give yourself a break and choose a guided meditation to to not only soothe your nerves but also to remind you of the path you have chosen for yourself. 

One of the really lovely things about paying attention to our bodies and our mental state is that we notice when something is awry. Rather than behaving in ways that are not true to ourselves we’re able to stop and refocus. We are able to prevent ourselves from acting out. Whenever I feel as if I am getting carried away with emotion or stress that is my body’s signal, I need to meditate. And, whenever possible, take the easy route and let someone else guide your focus. When we’re already worked up it’s hard to get into a calm frame of mind. It’s ok to look elsewhere for coaching – it’s how we level up our self-care. Guided meditations are an easy way to get out of a negative mindset and escape the pressure to be perfect.

How do you level up your self-care?

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Patterns of Joy

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There are events happening all day in all of our lives. The majority of those moments will be completely forgotten and lost to our memories. The moments we highlight and the patterns we recognize become the story of our day. Depending on our mood, the weather, and a million other small things we can choose to label our day as good one or bad. The day can be either, or some variation in between, depending on our perspective. If we look for the good things and the joy in our days we are more likely to highlight those patterns and consider the day a good one. What we look for is what we will find which is why I want to look for patterns of joy.


Therefore, in order to help us all practice looking for the good in our days I have an idea. This is something new – I haven’t even tried this yet but I’m excited to test it out. Every day this week I am going to  take a picture of the best part of my day. I am going to do that for two reasons. First, because it immediately has my mind on the look out for good things. Secondly, it keeps me wondering, engaged, and present. I am not looking for the day to fall apart. I am looking for more and more goodness and opportunities to create more joy in my daily life. 

The act of looking for joy primes the pump and has me already shifting my focus towards looking for the good. This practice may even turn into a running collection or album of these photos. It may result in a variety of joyful images – laughing with friends, a beautiful scene out the window, the dog cuddled on my lap. Not every day is a vacation photo image but there are beautiful moments that make up our lives. A quick photo reminds us to look for joy first. And on days when we’re feeling down or disheartened it’s a lot easier to scroll through happy photos than it is to try to remember all the good things off the cuff.

The simple act of focusing on and amplifying the joy in our lives helps us appreciate what we have already. To our brains, life is made up of patterns. But we get to choose what patterns to seek. Let’s look for patterns of joy, laughter, friendship, fun, and see how our perspectives and our lives shift. 

Limited Time + Attention

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I’m usually one of those people who mulls things over. I hold on until the event has past, the email is outdated, or I have to make a collection of quick decisions. The intention is there to read it all, participate in every event and opportunity. I am all in for kayaking, book clubs, and retreats. Sign me up! Except when I’m not into it, which as someone who is primarily introverted and really likes her alone time and personal space, is much more frequent than my joiner inclinations are willing to accept. When I do join an event it takes me a significant amount of time before I’m ready to dive back into the social scene. And while I don’t attend everything I’m invited to participate in – I still want the right of first refusal. Include me – yes! Depend on my presence – no thank you.

I’m reading a book about the brevity of life. It talks about all of our inclinations and machinations to “Save time.” The, “time savers,” and “quick tricks,” to empty your inbox or create space in your day. It turns out a lot of these ‘solutions,’ fail because when you send an email you increase your likelihood of getting more emails in return. You have not cleared your inbox after all. You’ve just heightened the expectation for the rapidity of your responses.

Typically, when we free up time in our days by using the washing machine, the dryer, etc. we don’t get that time back and use it for our own goals. Instead we pop over to Pinterest or open Architectural Digest and determine that now it’s time to remodel. We heighten the expectation for what cleanliness, order, and tidiness look like. Now, it’s not ok to simply have a spice rack – we must take every item out of its original packaging and place it in our own personalized containers that we label ourselves so as to match the professional organizer’s images on social media. 

We don’t get that time back and that’s the big takeaway for me. If we keep pressing ourselves to be more productive, to hustle, or accomplish we’re never going to be satiated. Because there’s always more stuff to purchase, events to join, or opportunities to get involved. What it comes down to is hard choices. Do we want to travel the hour to family dinner on Sunday or would we like to mow the lawn? Do we do neither, either, all? That’s up to us. The most important detail is to look inward and determine what we really want. What do I need most? Do I crave the connection with family? Do I have guests coming over and part of what makes me feel comfortable is my lawn looking well cared for? These are hard choices and we can make them. Or put them off until the opportunity has passed. Either way, we’ve made a choice.

Instead let’s focus on what we want and need most in life. Stop trying to control our time. Simply follow the ebbs and flows. If we have thank you notes to write, sit down and write them rather than staring at emails all afternoon willing them to disappear. Even the concept of using time wisely is a modern invention. Time is not meant to be used. We don’t have a set number of years – some of us may be lucky enough to get more than 100, others might not make it out of their twenties. So please, do what brings you joy. Do the things that set your heart on fire. We can’t possibly attend every event or please every person – we can only please ourselves. Do the stuff that fills your cup, if you sprinkle in something else remember that it is bonus. And be fully present for the good things that you choose to do. If it is mowing the lawn – enjoy the long walk outside. And if you can take in the sunset.