Tag: self-care

Patterns of Joy

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There are events happening all day in all of our lives. The majority of those moments will be completely forgotten and lost to our memories. The moments we highlight and the patterns we recognize become the story of our day. Depending on our mood, the weather, and a million other small things we can choose to label our day as good one or bad. The day can be either, or some variation in between, depending on our perspective. If we look for the good things and the joy in our days we are more likely to highlight those patterns and consider the day a good one. What we look for is what we will find which is why I want to look for patterns of joy.


Therefore, in order to help us all practice looking for the good in our days I have an idea. This is something new – I haven’t even tried this yet but I’m excited to test it out. Every day this week I am going to  take a picture of the best part of my day. I am going to do that for two reasons. First, because it immediately has my mind on the look out for good things. Secondly, it keeps me wondering, engaged, and present. I am not looking for the day to fall apart. I am looking for more and more goodness and opportunities to create more joy in my daily life. 

The act of looking for joy primes the pump and has me already shifting my focus towards looking for the good. This practice may even turn into a running collection or album of these photos. It may result in a variety of joyful images – laughing with friends, a beautiful scene out the window, the dog cuddled on my lap. Not every day is a vacation photo image but there are beautiful moments that make up our lives. A quick photo reminds us to look for joy first. And on days when we’re feeling down or disheartened it’s a lot easier to scroll through happy photos than it is to try to remember all the good things off the cuff.

The simple act of focusing on and amplifying the joy in our lives helps us appreciate what we have already. To our brains, life is made up of patterns. But we get to choose what patterns to seek. Let’s look for patterns of joy, laughter, friendship, fun, and see how our perspectives and our lives shift. 

Limited Time + Attention

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I’m usually one of those people who mulls things over. I hold on until the event has past, the email is outdated, or I have to make a collection of quick decisions. The intention is there to read it all, participate in every event and opportunity. I am all in for kayaking, book clubs, and retreats. Sign me up! Except when I’m not into it, which as someone who is primarily introverted and really likes her alone time and personal space, is much more frequent than my joiner inclinations are willing to accept. When I do join an event it takes me a significant amount of time before I’m ready to dive back into the social scene. And while I don’t attend everything I’m invited to participate in – I still want the right of first refusal. Include me – yes! Depend on my presence – no thank you.

I’m reading a book about the brevity of life. It talks about all of our inclinations and machinations to “Save time.” The, “time savers,” and “quick tricks,” to empty your inbox or create space in your day. It turns out a lot of these ‘solutions,’ fail because when you send an email you increase your likelihood of getting more emails in return. You have not cleared your inbox after all. You’ve just heightened the expectation for the rapidity of your responses.

Typically, when we free up time in our days by using the washing machine, the dryer, etc. we don’t get that time back and use it for our own goals. Instead we pop over to Pinterest or open Architectural Digest and determine that now it’s time to remodel. We heighten the expectation for what cleanliness, order, and tidiness look like. Now, it’s not ok to simply have a spice rack – we must take every item out of its original packaging and place it in our own personalized containers that we label ourselves so as to match the professional organizer’s images on social media. 

We don’t get that time back and that’s the big takeaway for me. If we keep pressing ourselves to be more productive, to hustle, or accomplish we’re never going to be satiated. Because there’s always more stuff to purchase, events to join, or opportunities to get involved. What it comes down to is hard choices. Do we want to travel the hour to family dinner on Sunday or would we like to mow the lawn? Do we do neither, either, all? That’s up to us. The most important detail is to look inward and determine what we really want. What do I need most? Do I crave the connection with family? Do I have guests coming over and part of what makes me feel comfortable is my lawn looking well cared for? These are hard choices and we can make them. Or put them off until the opportunity has passed. Either way, we’ve made a choice.

Instead let’s focus on what we want and need most in life. Stop trying to control our time. Simply follow the ebbs and flows. If we have thank you notes to write, sit down and write them rather than staring at emails all afternoon willing them to disappear. Even the concept of using time wisely is a modern invention. Time is not meant to be used. We don’t have a set number of years – some of us may be lucky enough to get more than 100, others might not make it out of their twenties. So please, do what brings you joy. Do the things that set your heart on fire. We can’t possibly attend every event or please every person – we can only please ourselves. Do the stuff that fills your cup, if you sprinkle in something else remember that it is bonus. And be fully present for the good things that you choose to do. If it is mowing the lawn – enjoy the long walk outside. And if you can take in the sunset.

Following Your Yes

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The way we run from joy in life you’d think we hated it. We are constantly convincing ourselves that in order for our experiences to be valid, important, or necessary we must also be miserable. It’s easy to start to think that because we can do hard things that it is necessary to ONLY do what is difficult or challenging. In actuality we need to be doing less of what causes anxiety, makes us uncomfortable, or feels like it is not meant for us. We need to follow our yes.

Following our bliss or following your yes is a simple practice of listening and paying attention to your inner voice. The voice that wants ice cream and not dinner. The voice that says let’s go swinging rather than let’s jump on one more webinar. Listening to the voice is not a rejection of mature adult life. It is rather an acceptance that you know what is best for you. You know what you need better than any agenda or app.

You know that you’ve been sitting too much today. Your body is longing to stretch and fly free on the swing. Or noticing that you haven’t eaten enough today or that you’re hungry for a treat and that’s ok. We learn early to reject our inner voices in order to attend school or listen to adults around us. What if instead of trusting that anyone else knows better what you need, you simply trusted that you’ve got this. And if you’re wrong, you’ll figure it out. 

Isn’t that such a simple and yet, revolutionary thought? You don’t have to do the difficult thing, you can do the fun thing. And chances are the fun thing is the right thing for you. We all know that there are days when bills need to be paid. Days when boring meetings must be attended but that is not every day and you know what else? That is not all day. If you know you have a lot of responsibilities or obligations coming up – take some time to treat yourself. Be kind to you and pick up ice cream or pop by a local cafe for a hot beverage. Do something small to bring yourself joy. Even if you’re sitting in a long meeting you can at least sip your drink and offer yourself a small pleasure while in the midst of an unpleasant situation. 

Take care of yourself and follow your yes, let me know where your inner voice guides you!

Clear the Clutter

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This weekend it snowed – even though we are well into the spring here in the midwest we can see snow into May and so I have come to expect some flurries with my sunshine. With the snowy weather outside my partner and I took the time to clear the clutter and organize our storage space. 

We updated labels, moving things from cardboard boxes into sealed plastic containers. We placed items of the same family together – sports equipment, kitchen and entertaining supplies, holiday decorations, and family heirlooms got their own sections. It was freeing and the speed of the work impressed me. It only took us a couple hours to purge, clean, and organize the space. After that was done we even found time to hang drapes and finally organize some of our catch-all bins. We even donated some items we have been collecting since we moved in.

In the grand scheme of things these are all small steps. They are not particularly transformative to our daily lives or even to our home. How often do we give guests a tour of our storage space? However, the process was cathartic, my partner and I worked together, that made the task fun. Completing the small tasks gave us momentum to do bigger things.

It’s incredible the impact that these small projects can have to releasing our mental blocks and freeing us to move forward. Unfinished tasks can become self-imposed limitations. We convince ourselves that we’re not allowed to move forward on another project until this “work,” is done. Your brain doesn’t care how irrelevant the task is, it only knows that you want to accomplish it. So your brain keeps following the map, directing your train of thought back to that same station – “I need to organize our family photos, I need to clean out that bin.” All of these boring but necessary tasks that we put off just burn our mental energy. However when we complete those boring tasks and take them off of our mental destination list we free ourselves. Our train of thought can now plow full steam ahead toward goals, dreams, and creative ambitions. 

It isn’t glamorous but I cannot recommend the results more highly. Do those small menial tasks and see if the repetitive labor doesn’t give you time to think and imagine. See if the satisfaction that comes from a job well done doesn’t inspire you to tackle another task. The results are not just simply the pleasure of a clean space but also the freedom to think about something else. Clear the clutter and see if it is just the weight that was holding you back from flying!

Holding Space

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One of the lessons I am learning and re-learning is the imperative nature of self-care. Taking care of ourselves well is our first and primary responsibility. In an active life it is easy to loose track of doing the things that nurture and support ourselves. We fall behind with dental appointments, forget to reschedule a salon visit, and before we realize it we’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and tired by the prospect of tackling all of the responsibilities we have in our lives.

Today instead of writing out strategies to stay ahead or accomplish more – I am holding space for you. Instead of writing a blog for you to read I am giving you back the time you might have used to read this post. I compiled a list that is by no means all encompassing. It is simply a list of suggestions, ideas for self-care that you might not have considered or thought about recently. So, rather than reading something inspirational here – take the time that you typically invest in reading and give yourself the following gifts instead. Do one or maybe three if you’re feeling adventurous. Whatever you choose I hope it serves you, supports you, and makes you feel deeply cared for and appreciated.

  1. Take 5 deep breaths
  2. Call one person who always makes you laugh
  3. Pick up 3 things and put them away
  4. Floss
  5. Take a sip of water
  6. Do 5 circles with your head and then do them in the opposite direction
  7. Turn on your favorite song and have a dance party by yourself
  8. Close your eyes and count to 10
  9. Have a snack
  10. Set a timer and daydream for 5 minutes

These are small practices that serve you. I hope you and enjoy them and know they are here whenever you need a break!

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Social Media Cleanse

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The rain has stopped outside my window and it seems to have dripped green paint onto the weeping willow tree outside. There are suddenly millions of yellow green buds waiting to bloom. Being fully present to witness this moment feels like a gift and one that I have chosen for myself. I like to feel that I am choosing to do whatever activity I am engaged in, particularly social media. This week I wanted to share a little about a social media cleanse I tried. 

Level one is general media hygiene. Regularly clear your follows and determine what accounts are bringing joy and which accounts are simply bringing you down. Anything that leads you to feel inadequate by comparison has to go – we don’t need that negativity in our lives. I’ve written more on general media hygiene practices here.

Level two – back to the cleanse – because just organizing follows is not our only new practice. I’m talking about a full week of conscious and deliberate social media avoidance. The purpose of this exercise is to clear your head and make space for creative ideas to break through. It is an opportunity to reflect and recognize how much time there is in the day when we are not scrolling. 

I scheduled a week to be social media free because as an Artists Way exercise I have found it to be particularly powerful. Cameron calls her abstention a reading cleanse. No reading for pleasure or knowledge beyond what one must do for work or as necessity. That can be different things for different people. The overall purpose is to clear your head of everyone else’s stories so that you can really dig deep into your own creativity. It’s also a quick way to recognize how much time we fill by immersing ourselves in media.

I love the dopamine burst of reels on Instagram, or of finding something beautiful to pin on Pinterest. But when I am loosing too much time or feel like I can’t log off even when it is time to do so, that’s a good cue to spark a cleanse. This time my cleanse was not cold-turkey. I still watched the reels or notes that people sent. I simply logged on, replied to messages and got off. My logic here is that this an opportunity to connect with a real person. It is a moment of relationship building and that is more than simply watching what everyone else is up to and liking or posting a few emojis. 

When we aren’t scrolling or lost in the virtual world of our phones it’s amazing how much we can create. The space gives us room to do something new, unique, and fresh. We want to make space for our true and raw selves to grow and be nurtured. Much like the rain outside painting the weeping willow with spring greens, I want to have room and water to grow and blossom in spring time. We can’t do that if we are constantly being pruned by everyone else’s ideas, endeavors, and news. So even if your break is a day, an hour, or an evening, I hope you are able to create something that’s never been in the world before. I hope you’ll take the time to invest in yourself. 

Let me know how your social media cleanse goes and what new priorities you welcome! And just so you know all was not perfect over here! I was very much tempted to look at my phone more than I care to admit. Instead I cleaned the bathrooms, washed windows, wrote pages in my journal, painted, and spent quality time with my kiddos. Every second of it was worth it because I felt present, engaged, and more alive than I have in a while. I might just take this cleanse for another week’s run and see what happens! 

Painting + Flow

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There is the patter of rain on the windows and roof, I am settled into my seat, lemon water at my side and my tummy rumbling for a sweet treat – I keep cookies in my desk drawer for these occasions. I am feeling good – processed. I recently missed an opportunity that I thought might be for me. It was disappointing and I allowed myself to wallow yesterday. I needed a day to be angry and frustrated. Today, I needed to get into flow, so I painted.

An easel sits across from me in my office. It typically holds a painting that I am working on or a blank canvas waiting to be filled. Today the paint and my ideas flowed. I am feeling quite satisfied to have created something I know to be beautiful and believe to be good. I also have had the idea to ask the local frame shop if on Friday afternoons I might paint in their front window – possibly to draw customers in and hopefully sell a few of my pieces. It might be fun and it is something that occurred to me as I painted.

That’s the beauty of creative work, it frees the mind to wander. And gives space to let the imagination roam. There’s actually a pile of research on the benefits of somewhat mindless activities like painting. These tasks help us get into slower brain waves that bring us into flow and help us to make connections in our brains more efficiently. When our brains are in the state of flow we’re able to bring together a variety of ideas to create a new and unique solution. To learn more about the research I would encourage you to read The Art of Impossible by Steve Kotler. 

When I create I get to consider imaginary situations, topics that I have thoughts on but haven’t had the time to process. For me painting is meditative. When I am in the midst of my work it is easy to loose track of time. I feel completely absorbed in the best way possible, choosing colors, creating patterns or destroying them. It is powerful and empowering to simply focus on my work and what I want to do next. Painting frees me to finally think clearly. It gives me a fun medium in which I can make mistakes or change my mind and the consequences are minimal. It is freeing and makes my soul sing.

Whatever you do today I hope you give yourself some space to create. I notice that when I don’t make room in my life to act on my inspirations I feel cranky and stifled. Why make ourselves miserable for no reason? With that in mind I am grateful and excited to see what beauty we create in the world next. For now I’m focusing on this canvas and what colors and images come next. It’s a very good day, I hope yours is too!

Spring Cleaning

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Like new school supplies in the fall, a clean start in spring clears the air and makes space for fresh ideas. Whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed I shift my environment and see if that doesn’t shift my mood. A little spring cleaning as self-care.

Rather than forcing myself to complete a task that I am resisting, I pivot. I do something completely different. I vacuum, dust, organize. And that one small activity creates momentum that carries me to the next step. Even if I don’t start my task, I feel productive and am rewarded with the space to begin. I may even have a new perspective on the task and work through some of my hesitation while focusing on something else.

I may be wiping down counters but in the back of my mind I’m laying out a painting or remembering to send that email. Getting outside to weed the garden, or shake out the rug brightens my mood because I’m outside. Clearing physical clutter frees our mental headspace too. 

When we give ourselves time and space, instead of guilt and anger, we feel better. And when we feel better we do better work. As Julia Cameron tells us, “treating ourselves like a precious object makes us stronger.” We learn early that we are spoiling a child if we give in to their demands. But this perspective does not mesh with what we all know of ourselves as human beings. When have you ever done something you didn’t want to do and felt good about it? 

When you don’t want to complete a task chances are you’re not ready to do it. Be patient with yourself and take your time. When we are kind to ourselves we feel loved, accepted, free to be authentic and creative. Performing at our highest level includes operating at our highest ability. We do that when we nourish ourselves, reward our progress, and gently correct our mistakes. 

To get ahead we do not need to punish ourselves. We need only to be more gentle and see what blooms. This spring start small and do what brings you joy first. Maybe you tidy a room or maybe you take a nap. See how being kind to yourself impacts your day and your life. 

Release Responsibility + Control

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Spring is in bloom here in Ohio and I am experiencing a creative reawakening. It is a conscious remembering that what we ask for the universe provides. We are showing up in new ways, refreshed and transformed. Making space for those activities that bring me joy and that inspire me. I am no longer available for those activities that drain my energy or leave me feeling unfulfilled. There is a natural resurgence of energy as if spring demands a release of responsibility and control.

To show up authentically we release all of those things we do not need. We are born naked, what can we take off? What do we no longer need to bear the burden of carrying? I have found in life that it is incredibly easy to take on things that are not my own. We collect obligations, tasks, work, and labor. I have held onto many things out of a false sense of responsibility. A desire to fix what is not mine to repair.

I once received a powerful bit of advice from a stranger in passing. She said, “Love is not meant to be held or given, it is meant to flow through us.” In this way all energy and emotion should pass through our lives. The goal is to be porous like sponges, able to absorb only that which is intended for us and release the rest. This allows everything not meant for us to pass quickly without lingering. Another way to think of this message, “those mountains you are carrying, you were only meant to climb.” 

Author Anne Lamott asks, “What is help if not the sunny side of control?” Releasing control is the greatest gift we can offer to ourselves and others. To release control we remember that our value is not tied to our productivity or performance. We all have intrinsic value. When we purge all of the things that are no longer ours we make space for the relationships, experiences, and gifts that we are intended to receive. We trust that that which is meant for us will come to us. We need not be responsible for more than our fair share of work or duty. Our value is not tied to our labor or our misplaced obligations to fix, repair, or care for others. 

We are here to create and give the best of ourselves to the world. As we create our own paths, let use put down the mountains we have carried. Let us climb them instead and leave all of the extra weight that rightfully belongs to other people for them to manage. This spring we are no longer bearing the burden of someone else’s mistakes or issues. Each of us is free to manifest our own destiny, no longer encumbered by the burden of false responsibility or control. We are free. 

Doesn’t the relief feel incredible? 

Boundaries Refresher

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Boundaries are the ground rules we share with others in healthy and mutually respectful relationships. They are the limits we place around our time, our attention, and our energy. Our boundaries are not negotiable. Lately I’ve been feeling my boundaries are in need of a tune up. I can tell because I am feeling angry and pushed to firmly state or re-state my limits. Anger is a guide that shows us where we need boundaries.

I notice my boundaries can sometimes slip when I choose to ignore my own needs in order to please or gain approval from someone else. It’s what Brenee Brown calls, “Hustling for worthiness.” We ignore our own desires and instead focus on meeting someone else’s needs, hoping to attain validation from that other person or group. It never works. We are left in resentment and anger because we have given what we need most to someone else. We feel resentful of them – whether they knew we were making a sacrifice or not – and angry that we feel used. It is exhausting to live in anger and resentment. It is not a strategy for building healthy relationships.

Therefore not volunteering to contribute to my own destruction is a necessary boundary for me. It is one with myself but there are others too. Some boundaries include how much time I am willing to give to a phone call or conversation topic. How much attention I wish to pay to a certain discussion at a particular time. How far I’m willing to go to meet someone. These limits are what keep me grounded in joy. Giving only what I am willing to share, not giving away that which I need most is key.

In fact, to build healthy relationships is to respect the boundaries of others and have your boundaries respected in turn. It is the highest form of mutual respect and love I can imagine. The reciprocity, for me, is the most important piece. It is the dance of give and take that makes others feel valued and seen. It lets our partners know we respect their limits and are willing to meet them where they are comfortable. Boundaries give us all the space to be free and held. I read recently, “Home is not a place, it is a feeling.” And that struck me as a deep truth. When we come home to our friends, family, lovers, and children we are connecting and creating home. 

A major component to home is safety. We feel safest when we know that we are valued and respected. One of the ways we show others that we love them is by respecting their boundaries. And the way they show us that we are equally valued is by respecting ours. Never settle for less than equity. Never agree to a relationship where the terms of engagement require you to sacrifice your needs or wants for someone else’s. Arriving at a point in life where you can be kind to yourself first, take care of yourself first, is a moment to be celebrated. Because boundaries come from being attentive to our own needs. We have more on how to discover your own needs here.

Pay attention to what your anger is directing you to be attentive to – do you need to set or restate some boundaries? Do you need more space or less? What can you do to feel more at home and at ease in your relationships? What boundaries have you used to center and ground yourself and create a safe home in your relationships with others?