Tag: self-compassion

Looking for Flowers: Staying Out of a Negative Mindset

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Have you ever noticed how when you’re in a bad mood the world seems out to get you? Or the inverse, when you are feeling great the world is also full of joy? Today I am thinking about self-compassion and how important it is that we take care of ourselves first so that we can come to the world with a positive mindset.

An old story comes to mind. 

A weary traveller came to the gates of a new city and asked the gatekeeper, “What kind of city is this? The last city I left was full of thieves and evil people.” 

The gate keeper answered, “We have those kinds of people here too.” 

The traveller moved on not wanting to stay one more minute in such a terrible place. 

Later that day another traveller came to the gates and asked the gatekeeper, “What kind of city is this? The last city I left was full of creative and interesting people, everyone was kind and I left many friends.” 

The gatekeeper answered, “You’ll find people like that here too.” And the traveller entered the city.

The gatekeeper did not lie to either traveller – there were both kinds of people in her city. But the wisdom is in recognizing that that which we look for we will find. The first traveller sought only to find the evil and darkness in others and would likely find it. The second traveller saw only light and would likely find the same. 

Have you ever had a conversation with someone like the first traveller who is hurting so much they seem to have no choice but to fixate on the negative things that have happened to them? A friend once spent an entire day lamenting to me about the hurt her family had caused her, how their cruelty had poisoned their relationships, and how she was an innocent recipient of this pain. On the way out of a family event her father asked her to please wait as he had picked up dinner for her. In that moment it really struck me – was my friend truly being harmed and hurt by her family? Yes. Was it because of their careless disregard or intentional desire to cause her harm? No. She was simply choosing to observe and remember those situations when they had disappointed her. She was looking for their faults and not their kindnesses and like the first traveller, she found it.

My friend’s inability to accept love was causing her pain. We remember pain longer than ease because in our primitive history it has been the avoidance of pain that contributes most greatly to our survival. For example, if we remember caves may be mountain lion dens we will not be eaten. On the opposite end, if we find a field of flowers it may be beautiful but if it does not lead us to find honey or food our primitive brains forget as it is not imminent to our survival. This survival tactic worked well for our primitive selves and we can all be grateful to our ancestors for remembering every danger that kept them alive so that eventually we could exist. However, these are no longer primitive times. If all we remember is danger and pain, looking for mountain lions – we will miss all of the flowers.

We lead lives full of potential and possibility but when we focus intently on the negative we loose sight of the joy and love in our lives. Negativity may initially generate a response from others – attention, pity, or support. If a person continues to come to us with their negative story and we do not share their perspective – we see that person like the first traveller, better to let them move on than waste our time trying to introduce them to good people. The perspective of the traveller, is the travelers responsibility, not the gatekeepers.

It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves and love ourselves first. It may be difficult to shift your attention, to see someone else’s care for you. But with practice even that first traveller can learn to look for the good so that their toxicity does not spread into personal relationships and their life. In my friend’s case – her father was showing love and care to her – it’s her job to see and appreciate it. 

What makes this work most important is that if gone unchecked that negativity will consume you and every relationship we hold dear. We become the mountain lion, the dangerous predator consuming and destroying the love and connection the world offers us. Much like that first traveller, we walk alone and miss so many friendships and opportunities simply because we were not looking for the flowers.

How do you protect yourself form mountain lions? How do you make self-care a priority so that you don’t become a mountain lion yourself? 

Also, no mountain lions were harmed in the writing of this piece. This work is not based on any one mountain lion living or deceased, it is the authors attempt at metaphor. She has no animosity to the mountain lion community – please do not eat me. I just needed an animal that lives in caves and might, in a hypothetical situation consume a prehistoric cave invader.

Being Where We Are

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Today I am thinking with gratitude about where I am in this moment. This feeling is not about where I’m going or about how far I have come. It is about being fully present exactly where I am right now. How, even if I accomplish nothing else today or even in this life, if all I do is continue on the path I am currently walking, that will be enough. I already am enough. You are already enough.

There’s a lot of convoluted and conflicting messaging out there about how having value or being our, “best selves” includes the pursuit of goals or the manifestation of a dream life. And yes, even here I talk about using those tools if you’re interested growing, learning, or striving for something different for yourself. But I’d like to take a minute to reaffirm the message that all of those decisions and opportunities are optional. They are not necessary for you to be whole or happy. They are not necessary to living a deep and rich life full of meaning and connection. All we ever need is to offer ourselves our own unconditional love – not because we accomplished a goal or reach a particular milestone – but simply for existing.

Even if we do nothing else in life but unconditionally love ourselves and treat ourselves kindly, that is enough. It is more than enough and it is all that is necessary. We are often encouraged to look outside of ourselves to locate our value. Marketing is created to lure us to repair some external feature because then we may we worthy. We are marketed to and sold to – buy this cream to fix this blemish or fault that someone else might judge you for having. Instead, today let’s look inside ourselves and locate our own inner compasses. We don’t owe perfection to anyone. We don’t owe modification to anyone. Nor do we ever have to change ourselves to fit some societally imposed or marketing-imposed version of ourselves that is more palatable or desirable to others. We only need to be honest and true to ourselves.

We are perfect as we are, where we are, right here and right now. What a gift to know that our worth is beyond questioning and that our value comes from within not without. And on that theme we are not without anything, everything we need we already have. You are loved, valued, and perfect exactly as you are right now. We all are and isn’t that magnificent? 

Centering: Using the Tools we have to Ground Ourselves

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This weekend in the absence of meditation I have been feeling discombobulated. I have had so many thoughts running through my mind that it’s hard to pick and choose where my natural beginning is to be found. Which task needs to be addressed first – what is my next right thing? Fortunately, when I start to feel overwhelmed I have the tools to bring myself back into the equation and to find my way back to my own center. 

The temptation may be to scroll through my phone or search for wisdom from some outside expert. Sometimes I follow this rabbit hole but the answer is already here inside of me. I know the answer already. There is no sage wisdom that someone else possesses – we possess it inside ourselves already. In short, I got this. 

I recover from this feeling with meditation or writing. I write out all of the half-sentences, and half-baked ideas swirling around in my head like a list. I let them flow out of me and onto the page and eventually they start to make sense. There’s a deeper meaning that is hidden beneath the layers of surface distraction. And whatever it is, that small whisper has room to come through when I get all of that extra background noise out of the way.

Once it is out of the way I focus on my intentions and what I want and need. That means eating well, drinking enough water, and tending to myself as if I am precious. It means investing in myself and giving myself the time and attention I need to feel balanced. Focusing internally allows us to redirect the energy that can be lost quickly when I am looking to someone else to guide me or give directions. I follow my own marching orders and to do that I need to be nourished, healthy, well rested, and to be kind to myself. The little voice inside of me that longs to be heard will not shout – it is my job to silence the external din so that I can listen within myself and find what I am looking for there. 

Each of us has a mission and a purpose in this world. Our role is not to understand or explain it. Our role is to show up and give our best. What’s incredible is that even as I write this I feel the tugs of self-doubt and fear that our society indoctrinates young women to feel. But I also feel the soaring of my heart when I listen to myself, when I reward myself and don’t silence the vision I hold of the future. We all have so much to give the world and we can only share our gifts if we slow down, look within, and share our souls. 

To me this looks like silence, hydration, rest, meditation, good food, and exercise. What does it look like to you?