Tag: Time

Love Letter to You

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I recently sent an encouraging note to an old friend and thought it might serve you as well.

I wanted to send you a little love. What you’re doing is hard but as Tom Hanks told us in A League of Their Own, “The hard is what makes it great!” You are building, growing, and learning, I see a seeking in you that I am feeling too. An urgency is creeping in to do, complete, and prove I haven’t been wasting my time. I forget to appreciate that if our younger selves saw us now, they would be amazed. They would be so proud of us – and that’s what I want to share with you. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of us. And even though it is hard now, it is also pretty great.

Life can be challenging but there is nothing that we cannot face. We will handle this moment with poise, dignity, and strength. Our fears only get smaller once we face them. Let us rise to the occasion.

When we’re feeling fear it’s easy to compare ourselves to our heroes or the examples of success we see on social media. And that fear feels so real and heavy. However, and this is a big however, we are eons ahead of where we were when we began. When you look back at your college self, high school self, middle school self – could they imagine the life you have right now? When you were growing up was the life you have right now guaranteed? Have you accomplished nothing since that time? 

Or perhaps, like me, would your younger self be stunned. Her hair would be blown back at the audacity, the calamity, the sheer will that brought us to this point! She would be delighted. Impressed. Proud! More than anything she would be so full of love. We have succeeded. We have pressed on and pressed through. Rising above to stand in our truth. 

20 year old us could not believe their good luck. As we begin this new year – I am challenging fear head on. Because fear is a liar. We have done some incredible things and will continue to do more. There is so much waiting on the other side of this new year. It does not serve us to play small. We are in the driver’s seat, this is the route we are on. If it’s time to take to the skies or go off-roading we are up for the challenge. I am proud of us and everything we’ve done up to this point. Let us plan to make ourselves even prouder in the year to come!

XXO- M

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Timelessness

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Lately I have been feeling short on time and long on obligations. There’s so much I want to accomplish but never the time to complete a task. I am pulled from work obligations, to personal plans and goals, and before I know it another day, another week, another month is gone. With so much calling for my attention it feels like I am always missing something. When that happens I try to remember that I am showing up for the things that are truly important. I am there for family time, for important events, and for the celebrations that make life more beautiful.

I recently sent a friend a pair of sandals. A long time ago I was a new mother in a new home and she was a new friend. We were not close but she offered to come take photos of the baby and I accepted. Short on both time and support I was grateful she came. This friend was an absolute dream and her visit solidified a budding connection. For the first time I felt fully embraced in my new identity. I was simultaneously a friend, a woman, and a mother. I wasn’t just one or the other, I was all of the above. As I was learning to be all three at once this friend gave me the space and time to be exactly who I was and who I was becoming in the same moment. I felt whole with her.

As she was leaving we found that as we had been staging photos, our dog had devoured her shoes. He had simply destroyed them. She thought nothing of it and left, thanking me for hosting as I profusely apologized. Later, I remembered her kindness and her shoes and so, I sent her a pair.

She was surprised and delighted. This time around she herself has two new little ones and is wading in that uneven territory between a new stage of womanhood, family life and individual autonomy. She had completely forgotten her original pair of shoes and asked if I was a mindreader? I reminded her of her kindness so long ago, and we got to talking about time. 

I shared that when I am attempting to conform or comply with the modern construct of time I feel perpetually late. As if I’m failing to uphold some sort of sacred bargain. Whereas if I follow my own rhythm and natural timing it seems I am always showing up at exactly the right moment. I am not rushed and I am arriving just when needed. 

She shared her own perspective. “You followed your impulses to that moment and, like magic, you made something manifest for me at the precise moment when it was needed in my life. If you ignore time and follow your inner voice instead, you are able to have perfect timing for everything you do in life (minus the boring things like getting to work on time of course).”  I rebel against the modern construct of time as something to conform to or obey. Following my own timing I am perfectly settled. When I attempt to follow the guidelines of time others set, I am often late and discombobulated.

Time becomes something I am guilty of rather than something I use wisely. And maybe that’s the conflict I am feeling around the concept of lateness. It is both a tool of control and something we mutually agree to conform to in a society. I recognize that time and timing are different things but do they need to be? Is it possible that we could exist in a timeless environment where we follow not the regimented hours of production and capitalism but instead trusted ourselves and each other to arrive when the time is right for each of us? For train stations and busses this idea is impractical and maybe it only works for some of us. Still the idea of living free of time is invigorating.

Perhaps the issue isn’t time so much as the value we place upon it. We treat timeliness and tardiness as personal failing. From a young age we learn that it is inconsiderate to be late. And perhaps it is, if you consider time spent waiting or alone wasted. Still, it could also be that we are simply arriving at the exact right time for us. It could be that by honoring our sacred rhythms we connect more deeply to ourselves and our natural interests and inclinations. That our inclinations save us from spending time on those obligations that we instinctively know are not for us. We may arrive a decade late but it is just the right time. Timelines are for strangers and work associates. Time is not the business of creativity, connection, or communing with our deeper longings, innermost knowledge, and truest friends. 

Choose Your Time Wisely

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Part of what makes life so precious is its fleeting nature. Life is temporary. This moment be it pleasant or dreadful is only a moment and in the blink of an eye it’s gone. We often believe that if we lived forever we would lack urgency. We might never tell others how important they are to us. Or delay challenging ourselves or trying new things because there would always be tomorrow. However time is one resource that is truly limited. Choose your time wisely.

I caught a clip from a film where a waitress charged a guest for their meal in years of their life. “That will be eight and a half weeks,” she scans his arm. “Take a week for yourself as well,” he adds, as a tip. It made me sick. It was a terrifying and cavalier prospect in my mind to trade our time for a lunch or service. And yet despite our current inability to add and subtract years of our life in exchange for goods and services, don’t we do that already? Simply with our choices or by virtue of our lifestyle? We add or subtract years of our life when we eat processed foods, smoke, or lead a sedentary lifestyle. We add them when we exercise or choose connection and mutually supportive relationships over unhealthy ones. 

Each of us has the opportunity to make a difference in our lives with the choices we make. When we think about those people who are important to us, those relationships we wish to nurture and develop, doesn’t it seem worthwhile to make the effort? When we choose to be present in the moment and invested in the people around us we unlock connection. Choosing not to be distracted is an act of rebellion. By engaging fully with those who are important to us we rebel against the the constructs of entertainment. We reject the advertisers and designers who strive to keep our attention locked and our pocketbooks open. 

When we distract ourselves with fruitless entertainments we cheat ourselves out of time. We believe, “it’s just minutes,” which seems to make the time feel expendable. I have a few minutes here to scroll, I’ll check my emails again. Time does not feel significant when it is stolen in scraps and small bits. And yet over a lifetime it adds up, those minutes become days, become weeks, become years. And all of that time is lost if we don’t make a point to invest it more wisely.

If we don’t cavalierly spend it on poor choices or mindless entertainment. We might choose instead to make propeller sounds. Those sounds let us fly with a kiddo to some far off land. We do not not care if the imaginary plane breaks down. Because all we have is right now with each other. We are missing nothing. All we have is this moment. Choose your time wisely. What would you like to do with it?

Limited Time + Attention

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I’m usually one of those people who mulls things over. I hold on until the event has past, the email is outdated, or I have to make a collection of quick decisions. The intention is there to read it all, participate in every event and opportunity. I am all in for kayaking, book clubs, and retreats. Sign me up! Except when I’m not into it, which as someone who is primarily introverted and really likes her alone time and personal space, is much more frequent than my joiner inclinations are willing to accept. When I do join an event it takes me a significant amount of time before I’m ready to dive back into the social scene. And while I don’t attend everything I’m invited to participate in – I still want the right of first refusal. Include me – yes! Depend on my presence – no thank you.

I’m reading a book about the brevity of life. It talks about all of our inclinations and machinations to “Save time.” The, “time savers,” and “quick tricks,” to empty your inbox or create space in your day. It turns out a lot of these ‘solutions,’ fail because when you send an email you increase your likelihood of getting more emails in return. You have not cleared your inbox after all. You’ve just heightened the expectation for the rapidity of your responses.

Typically, when we free up time in our days by using the washing machine, the dryer, etc. we don’t get that time back and use it for our own goals. Instead we pop over to Pinterest or open Architectural Digest and determine that now it’s time to remodel. We heighten the expectation for what cleanliness, order, and tidiness look like. Now, it’s not ok to simply have a spice rack – we must take every item out of its original packaging and place it in our own personalized containers that we label ourselves so as to match the professional organizer’s images on social media. 

We don’t get that time back and that’s the big takeaway for me. If we keep pressing ourselves to be more productive, to hustle, or accomplish we’re never going to be satiated. Because there’s always more stuff to purchase, events to join, or opportunities to get involved. What it comes down to is hard choices. Do we want to travel the hour to family dinner on Sunday or would we like to mow the lawn? Do we do neither, either, all? That’s up to us. The most important detail is to look inward and determine what we really want. What do I need most? Do I crave the connection with family? Do I have guests coming over and part of what makes me feel comfortable is my lawn looking well cared for? These are hard choices and we can make them. Or put them off until the opportunity has passed. Either way, we’ve made a choice.

Instead let’s focus on what we want and need most in life. Stop trying to control our time. Simply follow the ebbs and flows. If we have thank you notes to write, sit down and write them rather than staring at emails all afternoon willing them to disappear. Even the concept of using time wisely is a modern invention. Time is not meant to be used. We don’t have a set number of years – some of us may be lucky enough to get more than 100, others might not make it out of their twenties. So please, do what brings you joy. Do the things that set your heart on fire. We can’t possibly attend every event or please every person – we can only please ourselves. Do the stuff that fills your cup, if you sprinkle in something else remember that it is bonus. And be fully present for the good things that you choose to do. If it is mowing the lawn – enjoy the long walk outside. And if you can take in the sunset.

Treating Each Day Like a Vacation Day

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Not every day can be vacation but I’ve noticed when I start the day with a relaxed mind-set – I’m happier. When a day is for work, the guiding principal seems to be, “utilize every moment for impactful activities and choices.” I enjoy the day a lot less. There is more joy in the day when we focus on meeting our own needs first.

When I begin the day focused on work I find myself rushing, begrudging the tasks that I complete. Stressing out because I can only complete so many unpleasant tasks in a day. Doing things simply for the result of getting them done I find myself begrudging every extra step. Since life is primarilymade up of a multitude of mundane moments this can get pretty overwhelming fast.

The day takes on a pleasant energy when I focus on what I like to do instead. On a “vacation day,” I am already only doing what I want. Doing what brings me joy. Some days it is simply letting myself read a book or popping out to a yoga class. It’s a small chocolate or another herbal tea. These are simple pleasures. Rather than making myself feel worse for choosing something I’d like to do I simply do it. I don’t rush myself, I don’t guilt myself and I refuse to pressure myself to do it quickly. Reading a few chapters of a good book is delightful. Allowing myself to rest before I burn out is impactful and powerful. Doing these activities puts me in a growth mindset rather than a stagnant one.

To be clear I am NOT doing these things in order to be more productive. But I do find it easier to complete unpleasant tasks when I am coming from a place of rest, comfort, ease and satisfaction. We feel good when our needs are being met. It is a pleasure to go through the day as if it were a vacation day. It gives a little breathing room and creates opportunities to treat ourselves well.

How to you organize your day? Do you force yourself to stay on task or do you allow your day to unfold more naturally?

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Thursdaying: Holding Space For Ourselves

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I am holding space for myself today. Usually the request to hold space is for someone else. An opportunity to communicate our care or let someone know we are thinking of them. I find it easy to hold space for others but rarely take the time to nurture and focus on myself. Therefore when I sense a feeling of risk or fear as I consider moving toward my goals, or plans, it catches my attention. That awareness reminds me I need to take some time to hold space and look inward. The time I use is what I call, “Thursdaying.”

I grew up in a loud home. Our house was full of siblings, friends, games, television, pets, and events. There was always something happening. In the summers we would visit our friends and sometimes spend weeks at each other’s houses. It was an opportunity for each of us to see how the other half lived. Also, a great opportunity for our parents to spend time together as a couple. Our houses were noticeably cleaner upon our return and our parents well rested.

One of the gifts of these trips was staying with my mother’s best friend and my, “Mom 2.” After several days of Spice Girls music video shoots, movie screenings, and play we were all usually pretty tired. But on this morning I happened to be up early. The other kiddos were still fast asleep, and while Dad 2 stayed home, Mom 2 took me to breakfast.

On the ride over Mom 2 made the rules clear. I was welcome to come, and she loved me very much, but she was going to sit alone. She would read her book and drink her coffee. She would buy breakfast but I would sit at my own table. We were not together. No adult had ever spoken to me like this before. It felt very grown up and direct. I promptly agreed. I was confident I could comport and handle myself at a coffeehouse, “alone.” 

It was a big change for me to be left to my own devices. And so I ordered my hot chocolate and blueberry scone and picked out my table. While my drink was prepared I took my time collecting various magazines and newspapers from the racks and counters. I had not known the rules before I left and therefore needed supplies. I picked a yellow wood table and parked myself, with my back to where Mom 2 sat maybe 10 feet away from me. That morning I ate, I drank, I read – it was heaven. 

It was Thursday and yet no one interrupted me. It was just the resonant noise of an early morning coffee shop. I did not need to rush anywhere or do anything. An independent woman, for the first time in my life. It was glorious. And that memory stuck. It has stayed, nestled in my heart all my life. 

Throughout my life I have enjoyed many more days like this – after all Thursday’s come every week. However, the value and the splendor of that first morning is a gift I savor. I was recently given another free Thursday. There was nowhere I needed to be and nothing that had to be done. I was free. So I popped by a local coffee shop, bought myself a lemonade and a macaroon. I sipped, I read – a book I brought with because I learned early the wisdom of being prepared – and delighted in the experience. I savored and admired the sun through the window, the morning light on the park across the street, the ambient conversations that filled the room around me.

As I sat in peaceful comfort, I remembered the beauty of my first coffeeshop morning and texted Mom 2 and set a date for a call. I need a refresher course in honoring myself and in keeping my heart whole and my spirit free. The time was a rekindling and a reminder of my priorities. It allowed me to refocus my attention on my own goals and making my own heart sing. To do that requires Thursdaying – making time for my own delight and unexpected treats. It means trusting myself to walk alone and to find a path. Taking the time to savor the sweetness of right now because after all, it is fleeting. 

On the drive home from that first coffeeshop visit I felt elated and free. I felt like the happiest and most authentic version of myself. I felt like me. And it was wonderful. I am forever grateful to Mom 2 for being my bonus mom and for giving me the gift of time to find and honor myself exactly as I am, exactly who I am, and to celebrate regular days. After all, everyone has Thursdays. 

Making Meaning in an Empty Day

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I write a lot about what to do when there is too much on your plate. Long weeks and heavy work loads seem to be the name of the game lately but every so often the universe gives us the gift of time and space. The trick is not to fill it up – as we are often so tempted to do when we catch a spare moment. The day will pass, time has a way of marching on even when we feel stuck or busy, but we can choose to use our unscheduled time with intention.

Free time is our opportunity to rest, recover, and reflect but so often the way we spend our free time leaves us just as drained and exhausted as if we had worked a full day. Therefore when we find ourselves facing an empty agenda it helps to take a moment to think and set an intention for the day. 

Setting my intention – Do I want to feel energized? Do I need rest? What does my mind, body, heart, spirit ask of me today? These are some excellent questions I use to figure out what I need for myself in the day. This way I don’t loose myself in social media or in a Netflix binge and wonder where the day has gone and why I am so hungry. For instance, today I have noticed our family is a bit on edge and so we took a trip to the library. New books always put us in better moods and having an adventure that doesn’t cost anything but feeds our minds and souls is one wonderful way I take care of my family and myself. 

Eating well – What foods do I like or need to feel nourished? In our house a diet consisting of primarily meatballs and meatball derivatives would satisfy half of our household at all times. For those of us who prefer more variety than just ground meat this includes indulging my cravings for a hearty salad and vegetables. It means making cookies on cold days or preparing soups that we can warm up later in the week for a satisfying non-meatball based dinner. 

Making space for fun – I already talked about watching mindless television and how that can suck my energy without leaving me feeling particularly satisfied but I do want to offer a caveat to that rule. I feel better when I watch something that I love – if I cuddle up to watch any film in the Norah Ephron or Nancy Myers Library, Sabrina, or recently Good Omens by Neil Gaimen – these creative endeavors leave me feeling inspired and engaged. 

When you watch something fulfilling, or write an extra page in a journal, you indulge yourself and give yourself the space to think differently. Activities that allow us to imagine and play leave us more refreshed and alive than had we just vegged out in front of a stressful news program or show that doesn’t particularly interest us. Don’t waste your own time, give yourself the gift of being attentive to your intention and doing something that brings you joy.

Being productive – If you insist on being productive or completing a task give yourself a time limit. I sometimes find when I have a day where nothing needs to be done I fill it with errands – grocery shopping, deep cleaning the stove, or starting a small home renovation project. Don’t fill your day with obligations but if you do need food in the house give yourself a time limit. Take an hour to run to the shops but be sure to honor yourself and your own time and be home to lay out on the couch with a good book and a hot tea. Show up for what you need not just what everyone else wants. 

Quality Time – Quality time can be by yourself or with a friend, partner, child, whomever you like and admire and want to share your time with on this day of nothing. If you’d like to call a friend and catch up or hide in your bed and read both are acceptable and equally valid uses of your time. I have decided to dig out a recipe for fall cookies that my grandmother used to make and I plan to make them with my children this afternoon. It’s not a huge undertaking or a difficult task. There’s sugar involved so we’ll all have fun making snickerdoodle cookies. It will be nice to share a piece of my childhood with my children and celebrate our shared family history together. And then we’ll have cookies for dessert later, which is always a good way to end the day.

Early to bed – Sometimes when I start having fun painting or reading it’s difficult to stop and the day whips away from me more quickly than I realize. Before I know it, it’s 6pm and I need to eat, the house needs to be tidied, and I’ve lost a day – it’s like a good day hang-over. To avoid getting into that situation where instead of savoring and celebrating the end of a good day I regret or beat myself up about how I chose to spend my time I make sure to set the alarm – just a reminder to have a good dinner, share some cookies for dessert, and stick with my regular bedtime routine. I may even add in a face mask or some luxurious treat for myself before bed. Make it sweet and simple and get some good rest so that I can enjoy reflecting on this day of leisure and rest joyfully for the rest of the week and maybe make more time in my schedule for days like this that really nourish and fill me up.