Tag: wants

Mature Relationship Needs

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In relationships it is often easy to lose track of balance. It’s easy to find yourself in the midst of long term relationships that do not reflect your current awareness of your own value and worth. As we grow and change we sometimes find ourselves in the midst of mature relationships with people we did not so much choose as those who exist within our social or professional proximity. When we recognize that the relationships we are in no longer serve us, the good news is, just because a relationship is long standing doesn’t mean you have to stay in it. Below are some common challenges in mature relationships and some suggestions in how to proceed. I hope these strategies serve you!

Take Up Space

You are allowed to take up space. Any relationship that is predicated upon your being supportive to another person while taking no support for yourself is unhealthy. It’s time renegotiate the terms of the relationship. In relationships both parties deserve to have their needs met. Bending over backwards to assist someone else while they absorb your generosity and offer nothing in return is not a reciprocal or healthy relationship. If your relationship is entirely in service to someone else, that is not a relationship, that is a job. You need to quit unless you willingly plan to volunteer your energy, time and expertise for someone else’s gain.

Keep Some For Yourself

If the conversation is never allowed to be about you, it’s time to reconfigure your attention. Pouring into someone who can never get enough of themselves is a loosing proposition. You will continue to give. They will continue to absorb. And you will have nothing left for yourself. Instead, focus your attention on friends who may in fact reciprocate your care, love, and attention. When you realize that you have come in contact with a relationship vampire it is best to let that relationship go. We give in our relationships but we always keep some of ourselves to ourselves. Just ask Dolly Parton.

Accept Healthy Attention

If a person only notices your absence when it is in relation to their wants and desires, chances are they are not in relationship with you. They are in relationship with with a service you once provided. When someone only wants to get together when they have a task to be completed, they are looking for staff not friendship. Expecting you to be prepared to help them, while being disinterested and unavailable for events that are meaningful to you, they are using you. This person only wants to assure that your attention remains focused on them and their needs while refusing to meet your needs at all. 

Avoid Manipulation

Anyone who threatens to abandon you or your relationship because it no longer meets their exact specifications is using fear to manipulate you into complying with their wishes. Do not fall prey to this tactic or you will continue to feed an insatiable hunger. Time spent together should be reciprocal and involves both people giving their time and attention to one another. Sharing connection is a gift that allows your bond to flourish and grow. When you find yourself planning parties, trips, and adventures for another person and are then told that, “you’re so hard to buy for, I didn’t get you anything.” OR, “Thank you for the thoughtful gifts, trips, and parties you threw for me but I am unable to return that favor.” This person has chosen this behavior. Unless you change your willingness to cooperate they will continue to take advantage of your kindness.

Make Healthy Choices

Giving to other people in relationships is a choice we make. We can be confused by the difference between sharing our love with others and giving to others so that they might like us in return. It is possible that we have lost our way. When we consider ourselves unlovable, we are willing to accept any connection, even when it does not meet out needs. Perhaps, our sense of self-worth was the problem all along – believing we are worthy and deserving of love and attention. Below please find a list of mantras to support you as you evaluate your mature relationships.

I am worthy of love, attention, and affection.

I am allowed to be the center of attention.

I am deserving of fun.

I deserve to be loved, cared for, and supported. 

I want people in my life who care for me and not just what I can do for them.

I want friends and family that know and love me exactly as I am.

I get to choose my friends and family and I will chose those who love me for being myself.

I have intrinsic value. I am magic already. I will find friends who can see, appreciate, and celebrate me.

Unlearning

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I’m eating a chocolate shortbread cookie with strawberry icing, it tastes like cold fresh jam. The flavor feels cool and refreshing on my tongue. It just feels so good to be treating myself so well.  Lately it seems as if I am actively unlearning all of the lessons trauma has taught me. I am learning to love myself and let others love me and it feels nurturing on a level I did not know I needed.

For a long time it didn’t matter if the gift was large or big – if I wanted a cookie, or a trip, or new luggage if those expenditures were for me they were too much. I could buy tickets for a flight to visit someone else, or if there was some obligation tied to the travel – then it was justifiable and there were strings of logic related to who was allowed, when it was allowed, and what was ok for me to enjoy if it was related to someone else. I could not afford to go on vacation – but my friend’s mother passed and so a four day trip to Las Vegas was acceptable because it was to comfort her. 

There was nothing too pricey for my children or my extended family but my partner was on the same level as myself – they didn’t really need anything, much like I didn’t really “need,” anything. Lately that has shifted. I am finding that I myself have wants, needs, desires that long to be met. They linger if they go unanswered for too long. My wanting new clothes, or shoes, or a bag that I will have spent hours investigating and pouring over online used to be activities that would consume me and leave me feeling unfulfilled. I felt unworthy of care but I am finding now that investing in myself, investing in the things I want is very satisfying. It gives me the freedom to stop fixating on whatever that item was and move on to living with that gift. It is interesting and sad that so much time was spent denying myself that which I wanted most.

Simple things like a sweet treat at the bakery, mid-range things like a new purse, or luggage set, an adventure or trip to some far off place that might delight or inspire me to create some new art or reimagine my priorities in a new way. These gifts help me along on my journey. They make my path more delightful, richer, and more pleasurable. Feeling that nurtured, supported, and cared for by myself inherently shifts the way I view myself and the world. 

The kindness I am showing myself transforms the way I relate to others and myself. Because I no longer save the best for someone else, or treat myself as if I am not worthy or deserving of life’s joys and pleasures, I am enjoying those delights myself. I am planting seeds in my own soil and coaxing inner growth and development first. I am not giving all of the best I have to offer away. I am nurturing myself. I am giving to me first and that is a powerful shift. It takes a little time and I am not perfect – I still have not purchased the bag or the luggage and I still haven’t booked a vacation just for my partner and me or just for myself but I’m getting there. I’m writing about it and that tells me it is important. It is something I need to do for myself. If I’ve been thinking about it for several months, in the immortal words of the Doors, “the time to hesitate is through.” I am buying the bag and then I will write about how that makes me feel. Not for a holiday or because I did some extra work that proved I am “now,” worthy. I am just buying it because I want it and because having that item will bring me joy. I’m off to purchase a suitcase and already I feel incredibly spoiled. 

What was the last simple pleasure you gave yourself?