Tag: wisdom

Release Responsibility + Control

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Spring is in bloom here in Ohio and I am experiencing a creative reawakening. It is a conscious remembering that what we ask for the universe provides. We are showing up in new ways, refreshed and transformed. Making space for those activities that bring me joy and that inspire me. I am no longer available for those activities that drain my energy or leave me feeling unfulfilled. There is a natural resurgence of energy as if spring demands a release of responsibility and control.

To show up authentically we release all of those things we do not need. We are born naked, what can we take off? What do we no longer need to bear the burden of carrying? I have found in life that it is incredibly easy to take on things that are not my own. We collect obligations, tasks, work, and labor. I have held onto many things out of a false sense of responsibility. A desire to fix what is not mine to repair.

I once received a powerful bit of advice from a stranger in passing. She said, “Love is not meant to be held or given, it is meant to flow through us.” In this way all energy and emotion should pass through our lives. The goal is to be porous like sponges, able to absorb only that which is intended for us and release the rest. This allows everything not meant for us to pass quickly without lingering. Another way to think of this message, “those mountains you are carrying, you were only meant to climb.” 

Author Anne Lamott asks, “What is help if not the sunny side of control?” Releasing control is the greatest gift we can offer to ourselves and others. To release control we remember that our value is not tied to our productivity or performance. We all have intrinsic value. When we purge all of the things that are no longer ours we make space for the relationships, experiences, and gifts that we are intended to receive. We trust that that which is meant for us will come to us. We need not be responsible for more than our fair share of work or duty. Our value is not tied to our labor or our misplaced obligations to fix, repair, or care for others. 

We are here to create and give the best of ourselves to the world. As we create our own paths, let use put down the mountains we have carried. Let us climb them instead and leave all of the extra weight that rightfully belongs to other people for them to manage. This spring we are no longer bearing the burden of someone else’s mistakes or issues. Each of us is free to manifest our own destiny, no longer encumbered by the burden of false responsibility or control. We are free. 

Doesn’t the relief feel incredible? 

Practicing Self-Forgiveness

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Today I did this really wonderful meditation about forgiveness. It was all about releasing our anger and letting our energy better serve our growth. The idea of self-forgiveness as a gift. Rather than use our energy to hold ourselves back or punish ourselves, instead we give our energy to fueling and nurturing our own growth. Building the new rather than repairing the old. We cannot fix the past but be can do better in the future.

The Buddha said, “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.” That wisdom just sticks for me. The Buddha reminds us we have a choice. We have the power to decide between carrying anger with us or choosing to let it go. I find this to be a truly liberating perspective. Just realizing that we have this option feels refreshing. So often we carry anger, hurt, or embarrassment with us long after an event has passed. Anyone who suddenly remembers their most vulnerable experiences from childhood and cringes knows what I mean. We punish ourselves unnecessarily when we carry anger with us rather than accepting the emotion and moving on.

It can be frustrating when we fail to learn a lesson sooner or realize we could have done something better. But rather than get angry with ourselves or feel down about it, we do have the option to accept this information and resolve to do better. Maya Angelou tells us, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.” We can all do better and part of that begins with self-forgiveness which enables us to release that negative energy. 

What a profound and teachable moment. Forgiving ourselves today is such a gift. It frees us to nurture our own growth instead of cutting ourselves down. The reminder is to live in joy and practice self-forgiveness. To release anger because it both does not serve us and causes unnecessary harm to us. We get to choose how to live and we can choose to let go of anger so that we might thrive.

Building Mental Strength

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I have been thinking a lot lately about how the muscles we exercise are the muscles that we strengthen. When we focus on our arms or legs we first increase flexibility, endurance, and then begin to see gains. Increases in our ability to lift or move larger objects. The endurance to run longer distances without overexertion. The ability to work harder, longer, faster, etc. All of these capabilities that were not ours at the outset of our exercise become easier for us. This happens too with our mental strength and resilience.  

I’m realizing that as I observe and take in information that is primarily negative that these are the mental muscles I am choosing to exercise. When my perspective is of judgement, suspicion, or worst case scenario that is what will likely appear. As I look for the negative I will find it. Much as if I look for the positive I would find evidence of that. The choice is ours of what perspective we decide to bring to our interactions. Am I looking for help, hope, and optimism? OR am I looking for judgement, hurt, and negativity? 

When we fixate on the negative or worst case scenario those are the thought patterns we encourage to grow. This happens easily when we fixate on negative news, or patterns. However, we can give ourselves grace as the pursuit of any goal takes time. As we work toward any goal – writing a book, painting, or yoga – we give our attention to that goal. The more time and energy we devote the better we get at that activity. As we focus our attention we learn more. Testing theories and learning from our mistakes.

The mental muscles and the patterns that I want to strengthen are those focused on drawing joy, hope, generosity, light and love into my life. I do that by being attentive to those patterns. By shifting my focus from, “What is wrong with this picture,” to “What is going right here?” Or better yet, “How can I improve this picture?” 

With a renewed and optimistic perspective I am striving to make a positive impact not just in my own life but also in the world. This mental strength shift requires intention and attention. It also requires that I do the work of looking for the good in others, in myself, and in the world. It means that my mental strengths need to shift from judgment to support and aid. With time we will start to see the good things first in one another and ourselves.

Let’s try a new mental workout routine to shift our perspectives from disengaged boredom to being the change we wish to see in the world. I hope you will join me.

Giving Yourself a Break

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Do you ever find yourself carried away? By emotions, by life, by the hectic schedule or seemingly endless incoming emails? It’s easy to get so wrapped up in what we, “need,” to do that we completely miss the things that we want to do in life. Today I want to encourage you to give yourself a break. Release the need to be productive and to hold yourself accountable for obligations.

For example, two years ago I joined a writer’s seminar virtually. I have yet to organize my notes. Perhaps this is not the priority I need to give my attention and energy towards. If I haven’t done it in two years, chances are I can let it go. There’s lots of guidance on how to prioritize our time, our tasks, etc. But so often that time gets eaten up by small things that are meaningless. And worse than that we are consumed by tasks that are merely distractions from those moments, people, places, and opportunities that we truly love. 

Today I want only to share a question. What if we paused and allowed ourselves the freedom, the space, and the openness to explore our interests, expand our horizons? Instead of pushing for one more email reply, one more item checked off the list, or one more task completed. What if we considered what fuels us? Thought about what brings us joy? Considered what feels like happiness to you? How does that look, feel, taste, smell, sound? 

In this post there is no wisdom, there is only the questions above and my ardent hope you give yourself a break and the time to explore them.

Cold Hands Warm Heart

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Tips for Making Every Day Routines Sacred

When I was little my aunt used to tell us, “Cold hands warm heart,” whenever we put our icy hands in hers. She would come in from outside, we knew we were getting gentle and cold fingers on our necks and big hugs. It was such a part of our winter routine that now I say the same thing to my kiddos, “cold hands warm heart,” and bury them in my arms. It is a ritual and a memory, a simple way to make common occurrences sacred. 

This winter I am striving to create more meaning in my daily practices. My showers, skin-care routine, the way I go to sleep and the way I wake up. These are daily events that I often rush through. Time lost in the past or in the future – Did I put the clothes in the dryer? I need to pick up milk. The saddest part is that this happens every day. By focusing on our anxieties or worries we loose opportunities to create nourishing rituals.

Tips to make small moments brighter.

  1. I purchased a small box of mindfulness cards that I open each morning to give me a mantra, intention, or reflection that I can use to intentionally begin my day.
  2. Adding sweet smelling soaps and lotions to my showers and skincare routines. They add delight to the experience and remind me to slow down.
  3. Cookies! After my meditations I am savoring chocolate shortbread cookies with strawberry icing. These sweet treats being a little taste of summer into my chilly winter afternoons.

None of these shifts is monumental or expensive. Yet they are excellent tools for making my everyday routines sacred. I am feeling hot water raining down on my skin, smelling coconut and remembering summer, beaches, and fun. The biggest revelation is the practice of staying in the moment. I am not just going through the motions. Beginning my day engaged and delighting shifts my perspective and improves my mood.

The simple act of enhancing my daily practices makes my life richer. It is wonderful to be able to brighten my own day and surprise myself. It is the little things that make life nice and remind us of the many joys of being alive. We don’t always have to remodel the kitchen or take off on vacation to feel special. Sometimes all it takes is a cozy reminder – cold hands warm heart, have a hug, we’re so loved. 

What little gifts can you give to yourself that would make life more lovely? How do you make your daily routines special? What scents bring joy to your heart or what loving sayings did you grow up with in your home?

Abundance Mindset

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How shifting our focus can change our lives.

I am returning to a reflection on abundance. Lately I feel as if I have been living in fear and fear causes our minds to shrink. That’s not accurate, fear causes our attention to hyper focus and so instead of seeing the multitude of options we see only escape routes. Our instinctual fight, flight, or freeze responses shift us from an abundance mindset to fear. And fear only sees the immediate necessities. Which is what enables us to make snap decisions in fear but not always the best decisions. 

The Opposite of fear

An abundance mindset is almost the opposite of fear. This perspective relaxes us and enables us to see not just the next step but all of our options. Abundance teaches us that we do not need one solution or strategy, there are so many options to choose from. With an abundance mindset we see plentiful resources, a multitude of paths and strategies. We are not trapped and seeking the quickest escape, we are surrounded by bounty and we have the luxury of tasting it all.

Abundance reminds us that we are not in danger, there is time, and there is enough for us all. The abundance of stars, plants, trees, and grains of sand are only physical examples of the bounty within the universe and on our planet. New people are born every day, new ideas and discoveries made, and the opportunities for us forever multiplying. More books are being written than we could ever read and more puppies being born than we could ever pet. There is so much in the world for us to enjoy. There is enough for all of us.

Changing Our Lives

Shifting my mindset to abundance gives me the space to create and breathe with ease. I am not in a rush. That which is meant for me will find me, it will not pass me by. Just as I am seeking my goals, my goals are seeking me. I am doing the exact right thing and I am making the right choices. My only responsibility is to step towards my goals so that they may also step toward me.

The more grateful we are for what we have, the more we invite abundance to help us grow. As our perspectives become more expansive we allow ourselves to become wealthy in opportunities, joy, connection, and health. In abundance we see a plethora of options and we get to select those things that please us most.

For more on abundance and a fabulous scone recipe pop over… Sorry, I couldn’t resist the bakery pun.

Be Careful of Your Actions

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Earlier this month we began breaking down the writings of  Lau Tzu a mystic philosopher of ancient China, best known as the author of the Tao Te Ching (The Way and Its Power), published in the 3rd century. The excerpt is below:

Watch your thoughts, they become your words.

Watch your words, they become your actions.

Watch your actions, they become your habits.

Watch your habits, they become your character.

Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

Last week we unpacked, “Be careful of your words,” which you can read here.

When our thinking and speaking are aligned with who we truly are our actions naturally follow suit. The concept of watching your actions for they become your habits feels familiar and necessary though. To me this speaks to our daily routines, the things we do without even thinking about it. How our actions, when repeated build upon each other and become parts of our regular life. Do we make time for the things we enjoy or are we simply going through the motions. Do we incorporate fun or conversation – do we say good morning or show affection to the people we care about or do we simply presume the know how we feel.

Our actions can be deliberate choices we make to show care for ourselves and others. They can also be rote routines we follow without thinking. Anyone who’s ever gotten into the car to drive to a familiar place and suddenly found themselves at their destination without any memory of the drive has experienced this. In college we called it the transporter. How did I get home? By following muscle memory and autopilot. 

It feels like Lau Tzu is not guiding us to be ever vigilant in our activities but rather to pay attention to our choices so that we make space for simple pleasures and joy in our lives. I watched a reel on Instagram recently where they held up a sign offering $5 to any person who called someone to tell them they loved them. Every person who stopped made the call and refused the five dollars. Each said to give it to the next person, someone who needed it more than they did. I would argue that they felt richer simply by calling the person they loved to tell them. The callers didn’t need money, they had love.

The simple gesture of calling to tell someone they loved them reminded the callers of how much they had – they had people who loved, supported, and missed them. Much like that sign, Lau Tzu is calling upon us to be intentional in our actions – call someone you love, take a different route home and enjoy the view, give yourself the gift of paying attention. When we are attentive to our actions and our choices we realize the freedom we have to change the world and our lives for the better. 

Be Careful of Your Thoughts

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Every day on the drive home from school my family would pass a party center with one of those light up signs where someone would replace the letters every week. I don’t know who their message posting philosopher was but I read their work every day. I memorized the notes from that sign and they have served me well throughout my life. The most impactful posts, for me, were from Lau Tzu a mystic philosopher of ancient China, best known as the author of the Tao Te Ching (The Way and Its Power), which is the original Taoist text published in the 3rd century. I’d like to share them with you: 

Watch your thoughts, they become your words.

Watch your words, they become your actions.

Watch your actions, they become your habits.

Watch your habits, they become your character.

Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

Over the next few posts I’d like to unpack each of these sentences. Starting with our thoughts.

In yoga the experience of having our thoughts randomly jump from one idea to another is called, “monkey mind.” Because, like a monkey, if not properly attended to our minds will bounce all over the place. We are impacted constantly with sensory information and data that triggers our mental synapses to fire – we see a truck, think fire truck, fire, candles, Sylvia’s birthday is on Friday I have to remember to get candles. And the like. 

In meditation we attempt to still the mind – which isn’t so much actual stillness, except observing our thoughts with detachment as if we were watching them happen to someone else. Our thoughts are not for us to manage or dissect in meditation. As we meditate we are simply to stay aware that we are thinking but not engage with the thoughts – it is not easy. That said, it can be incredibly freeing to release ourselves from the constant mental leaps of consciousness and simply be both physically and mentally still. The guidance to, “watch your thoughts,” may be in reference to meditation. To separate yourself from your thoughts and observe them. 

Watching your thoughts could also be instruction to be attentive to the quality of the thoughts you entertain. Are your thoughts primarily negative or positive? Are they judging or shallow? A reminder that what we give our attention to is what we will draw to ourselves. If we’re thinking negatively we will want to talk about and discuss with others who share our perspective and will therefore draw more negativity into our lives. Are we thinking about ideas and concepts or are we thinking about ourselves or other people? This reminds me of the sage advice attributed to American First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt but originally stated by English historian Henry Thomas Buckle, 

“Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” 

If you were to be attentive to your thoughts would you be proud to say them out loud? Or if you find yourself ruminating on insults or past interactions might your time be better spent creating new happy memories? Or investigating ways in which you might make your mind a more pleasant place to visit? After all, our happiness begins from within, shouldn’t we do our best to make our minds and thoughts a pleasant place to be and live?

This week I will be watching my thoughts to see what I learn. I hope you’ll join me and if you feel comfortable, share what you’ve learned or noticed in the comments.

Looking for Flowers: Staying Out of a Negative Mindset

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Have you ever noticed how when you’re in a bad mood the world seems out to get you? Or the inverse, when you are feeling great the world is also full of joy? Today I am thinking about self-compassion and how important it is that we take care of ourselves first so that we can come to the world with a positive mindset.

An old story comes to mind. 

A weary traveller came to the gates of a new city and asked the gatekeeper, “What kind of city is this? The last city I left was full of thieves and evil people.” 

The gate keeper answered, “We have those kinds of people here too.” 

The traveller moved on not wanting to stay one more minute in such a terrible place. 

Later that day another traveller came to the gates and asked the gatekeeper, “What kind of city is this? The last city I left was full of creative and interesting people, everyone was kind and I left many friends.” 

The gatekeeper answered, “You’ll find people like that here too.” And the traveller entered the city.

The gatekeeper did not lie to either traveller – there were both kinds of people in her city. But the wisdom is in recognizing that that which we look for we will find. The first traveller sought only to find the evil and darkness in others and would likely find it. The second traveller saw only light and would likely find the same. 

Have you ever had a conversation with someone like the first traveller who is hurting so much they seem to have no choice but to fixate on the negative things that have happened to them? A friend once spent an entire day lamenting to me about the hurt her family had caused her, how their cruelty had poisoned their relationships, and how she was an innocent recipient of this pain. On the way out of a family event her father asked her to please wait as he had picked up dinner for her. In that moment it really struck me – was my friend truly being harmed and hurt by her family? Yes. Was it because of their careless disregard or intentional desire to cause her harm? No. She was simply choosing to observe and remember those situations when they had disappointed her. She was looking for their faults and not their kindnesses and like the first traveller, she found it.

My friend’s inability to accept love was causing her pain. We remember pain longer than ease because in our primitive history it has been the avoidance of pain that contributes most greatly to our survival. For example, if we remember caves may be mountain lion dens we will not be eaten. On the opposite end, if we find a field of flowers it may be beautiful but if it does not lead us to find honey or food our primitive brains forget as it is not imminent to our survival. This survival tactic worked well for our primitive selves and we can all be grateful to our ancestors for remembering every danger that kept them alive so that eventually we could exist. However, these are no longer primitive times. If all we remember is danger and pain, looking for mountain lions – we will miss all of the flowers.

We lead lives full of potential and possibility but when we focus intently on the negative we loose sight of the joy and love in our lives. Negativity may initially generate a response from others – attention, pity, or support. If a person continues to come to us with their negative story and we do not share their perspective – we see that person like the first traveller, better to let them move on than waste our time trying to introduce them to good people. The perspective of the traveller, is the travelers responsibility, not the gatekeepers.

It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves and love ourselves first. It may be difficult to shift your attention, to see someone else’s care for you. But with practice even that first traveller can learn to look for the good so that their toxicity does not spread into personal relationships and their life. In my friend’s case – her father was showing love and care to her – it’s her job to see and appreciate it. 

What makes this work most important is that if gone unchecked that negativity will consume you and every relationship we hold dear. We become the mountain lion, the dangerous predator consuming and destroying the love and connection the world offers us. Much like that first traveller, we walk alone and miss so many friendships and opportunities simply because we were not looking for the flowers.

How do you protect yourself form mountain lions? How do you make self-care a priority so that you don’t become a mountain lion yourself? 

Also, no mountain lions were harmed in the writing of this piece. This work is not based on any one mountain lion living or deceased, it is the authors attempt at metaphor. She has no animosity to the mountain lion community – please do not eat me. I just needed an animal that lives in caves and might, in a hypothetical situation consume a prehistoric cave invader.

Noticing Synchronicity

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Do you ever notice when the universe is contriving for your success? At the end of the day yesterday I was scrolling through emails, attempting to clear away the clutter and give myself the gift of a clean inbox. Every so often I purge and unsubscribe, especially from services and sales that seem to perpetually be happening. It consumes a few seconds of every day but add that time up and it’s minutes every week devoted to deleting messages and notes from companies, services, or groups that I am no longer a part of or no longer interested in being as engaged with regularly. 

While in the process of going through these emails I came across one from a financial institution I use for my investments. I had seen the emails but by the time I get to it I felt like I needed one more thing to be productive today – to feel accomplished, to take something off of my list. I decided to follow a link they had been sending for at least half a year. I thought I could spare the time and so I completed the questionnaire and visited the new financial tool provider. It. Was. A. Gift. 

When I say that I don’t mean I came across a financial windfall, so don’t get too excited. However, I competed the questions and the prize was a library of tutorials, videos, and tools that I might use to become more financially aligned and literate. It is one of my goals this year to enhance our financial strategy and take the time to learn more about personal finance so that we might continue to grow healthfully and invest wisely. The universe had provided this tool months ago! I had to put the phone down to laugh and say thank you out loud. The solution was right in my inbox the entire time. But it was only by giving myself the time to see that I found it. Not every email is such a gold mine but this one was a surprise and a delight – a reminder that what we put out into the universe comes back to us. A nod to show me, once again, the universe contrives for our success. 

This one moment of synchronicity drew my attention to other areas where I was getting the help I needed but not in the shape I expected. I had wanted wellness coaching or a personal trainer and in my work inbox this morning was an email about services my employer supported healthcare program offers – both are included. Synchronicity!

My reading before bed was about the butterfly effect – how things that seem only loosely tied together contrive to create larger events. How the flap of a butterfly’s wings in the Amazon can produce a tornado in Texas. That example is extreme but synchronicity in our daily lives happens all the time. You have a song in your head and it comes on the radio; you’re thinking about an old friend and they suddenly call. These moments of serendipity show us when we are on the right path, heading in the right direction or following our proper course. And when we begin to notice them, we start to see them everywhere. 

By learning to recognize the synchronicity in our lives and clearing the clutter that can sometimes fill our inboxes, hands, and heads we make space for those things that are most aligned with our purpose and our path. It is only when our hands and hearts are open that we are free to accept all the wonders the universe has in store for us. 

What moments of synchronicity have you noticed in your own life? How has the universe revealed your path to you? Do you feel like these things are just coincidences or indicative of a higher calling?