Tag: learning

Practicing Self-Forgiveness

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Today I did this really wonderful meditation about forgiveness. It was all about releasing our anger and letting our energy better serve our growth. The idea of self-forgiveness as a gift. Rather than use our energy to hold ourselves back or punish ourselves, instead we give our energy to fueling and nurturing our own growth. Building the new rather than repairing the old. We cannot fix the past but be can do better in the future.

The Buddha said, “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.” That wisdom just sticks for me. The Buddha reminds us we have a choice. We have the power to decide between carrying anger with us or choosing to let it go. I find this to be a truly liberating perspective. Just realizing that we have this option feels refreshing. So often we carry anger, hurt, or embarrassment with us long after an event has passed. Anyone who suddenly remembers their most vulnerable experiences from childhood and cringes knows what I mean. We punish ourselves unnecessarily when we carry anger with us rather than accepting the emotion and moving on.

It can be frustrating when we fail to learn a lesson sooner or realize we could have done something better. But rather than get angry with ourselves or feel down about it, we do have the option to accept this information and resolve to do better. Maya Angelou tells us, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.” We can all do better and part of that begins with self-forgiveness which enables us to release that negative energy. 

What a profound and teachable moment. Forgiving ourselves today is such a gift. It frees us to nurture our own growth instead of cutting ourselves down. The reminder is to live in joy and practice self-forgiveness. To release anger because it both does not serve us and causes unnecessary harm to us. We get to choose how to live and we can choose to let go of anger so that we might thrive.

Running Forward Toward Fear

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I have been cruising forward toward goals and accomplishments. Pushing myself to complete tasks that have long been on my list but that I have yet to organize and arrange. These are big long term goals and my momentum has been building but I was feeling a bit rushed, even though I’m prepared to step forward I found myself feeling a like if I kept moving at that pace that energy would devolve from momentum into overwhelm. 

I have started reading Brenee Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart, and in it she describes a difference between anticipation and anxiety. There is a distinction between our awareness that we have a lot to accomplish and the belief that we can accomplish all we want or have the necessary bandwidth to give to the project. We devolve into overwhelm when we are presented with a variety of opportunities but we do not feel that we are able to bring the appropriate energy or skills to their accomplishment. On weeks when my agenda is full I get into that overwhelm zone but I’ve never deliberately channeled my energy to get out of it – I didn’t know I could!

Therefore, for the first time today I took notice that I was feeling a little off kilter. I intentionally reigned in that energy so that I could locate my center of gravity, find where I am comfortable and process from a place of strength. This is totally new for me. Usually once I start tottering there needs to be a meltdown or freak-out before I find my way back to calm. But today I recognized that I was flying, feeling fast and loose and not in a good way. I felt those feelings and instead of being paralyzed by them or flinging myself even further into that unwieldy energy I stepped back. I did a meditation on being grounded and centered.

I will still pursue my goals and I remain intimidated by them – I love the quote that if your dreams don’t scare you, you’re not dreaming big enough. And right now the goals I am pursuing are scary for me. I’m hoping to grow this blog and this site – I want to create the community, sites, and works that we all deserve to enjoy. I want this site to be a welcoming home and a place where you can come to sit down with a cup of tea and rest, feel nourished, and centered before you return to whatever amazing things you do in the world. In order to give all of us this gift I am stepping out of my comfort zone – I don’t know a lot about website design, or starting a business, but I do know how to write and so I am writing out my fear. Because it is real fear – fear of failure or of making the wrong choice and wasting time and money. It is fear of doing things incorrectly. It is fear of judgement and letting people down and those are big scary things.

They are also very exciting things because what if it all works out and I am able to create the site we deserve. What if I am able to reach a wider audience of like-minded people. People who need my work as much as I need them to read it. What if we are on the cusp of building something truly transformational together and if I don’t step forward something that could have changed the world could be missing. And so in spite of my fear I am letting it ride shot-gun. I do not forget my fear or my caution but I don’t let them hold me back. I am letting them inspire me to choose wisely and do my best. I am using that fear to help me create an even better site and space than I imagine now. I am using that fear to keep me accountable and hold myself to the highest standard. 

I am also remembering that failures are not losses they are opportunities to recalibrate and realign. Failures are lessons in how to do it better. Failures are gifts that we can choose to learn from and grow with added wisdom and experience. It is humbling and it may be humiliating but it is a step in the right direction and I intend to take it. I intend to try and hopefully I will be able to give us all a space to grow together, learn from one another, and blossom into the fullest and most authentic versions of ourselves that we can possibly be together. I’ve got you. I’m getting to work.

Listening, the Dali Lama, and Learning to be a Better Friend

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Being a better friend often means we give our time and attention but we do not give our guidance. We are not advisors, we are a support group. We listen and let others come to their own natural conclusions. It means listening to someone’s shared dreams without giving directions as to how to get there. This is NOT easy! I am so good at answers and giving direction, I am not good at letting others lead or make their own mistakes.

I was reminded of this during a recent conversation with my neighbor. I offered solutions and strategies when I was only needed to lend a listening ear. Especially since the topic was the challenges of being a Black Indigenous Person of Color (BIPOC) in the professional world. In this conversation I bring nothing to the table other than my ability to listen, learn, and support. Spoiler: I did not do that.

I wanted so badly to help that I offered any intervention I could provide. I suggested solutions when my friend was coming to me to be heard. Expressing a desire for me to understand not for me to fix her problem. I knew this and yet in the moment I promptly forgot.

And I apologized afterward after I had a moment to reflect on our conversation and consider what part I wished to play. I wanted to be of service and help but the value I brought to the conversation was deep and attentive listening to my friend. Not offering what I a white woman would do in her situation – she knows what a white lady would do, and she also knows that solution would not work for her.

I needed to take a step back to remember that my value does not come from offering solutions or fixes to societal problems. I was meant to listen, to learn, and to better understand what these challenges are like for my friends of color. I was not being asked to solve this problem but to more intimately familiarize myself with the experiences that women of color face in the work place. 

Thinking about this conversation from the perspective of a BIPOC woman made me realize how patient and wonderful my friend was to share her story with me. It made me realize how challenging these conversations must be for BIPOC to have with people who are not of color. My attempts to “fix” or “solve,” created even more work for my friend as she had to hold her ground as I attempted to push her forward. 

I am learning more about myself and vulnerability this year. I am learning that I like to cross things off of my list and make them better if at all possible. I am also learning that the “better,” I seek is not always attained through my mental or physical labor. Many times my goal is obtained through my patience, my willingness to listen and be still, my ability to let my BIPOC friends lead the conversation and let me know what they need – before I jump in to assist. 

Obviously, this translates to every relationship, being attentive to ourselves and recognizing that oftentimes the best gift we can give to others is our silence. Digest the wisdom, take it all in, don’t even think about what you will say next. As the Dali Lama once said, “When you talk, you are only repeating what you know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” I plan to take advantage of this learning and listening much more going forward. I’m just grateful I have so many dear friends willing to walk this path beside me and share what they have learned on their own travels.

What are you re-learning or unlearning in order to be a better listener? Any tips you’d like to share on how to take a beat and be more present for each other?